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**** Happens


Scotty

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OK - a couple of "**** Happens" jokes .......

Firstly .... one about the actual 'product'  :015: ... obviously you need to be able to talk about the exact type when talking ****  :001:

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Sometimes when ****, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a sh1t. Here are some definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...

Ghost ****

You know you've ****. There's **** on the toilet paper, but no **** in the bowl.

Teflon Coated ****

Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of **** on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!

Gooey ****

This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your *** 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This **** leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

Second Thought ****

You're all done wiping your *** and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead ****

This kind is the kind of **** that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly ****

You **** so much you lose 5 kilos.

Right Now ****

You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.

King Kong or Commode Choker ****

This **** is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of **** usually happens at someone else's house.

Wet Cheeks ****

This **** hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your *** wet.

Wish ****

You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no ****!

Cement Block or Oh God ****

You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you ****.

Snake ****

This **** is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.

Cork **** (Also Known as Floater ****)

Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This **** usually happens at someone else's house.

Indian/Mexican Food **** (also called Screamers and usually accompanied by the theme tune from 'Bonanza')

You'll know it's alright to eat again when your **** stops burning.

Beer Drunk ****

This happens the day after the night before. Normally your **** doesn't smell too bad, but this **** is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of **** also usually happens at someone else's house.

The Frightened Turtle

The kind of **** that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in

The Bungee ****

The kind of **** that just hangs off your *** before it falls into the water.

The Ring of Fire ****

The kind of **** where you eat really spicy food and your **** feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

The Crippler

The kind of **** where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Big Bobber

The kind of **** that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.

The ****** ****** Bang Bang

The kind of **** that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Incredible Hulk ****

The king of **** that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.

The Jack the Ripper ****

The kind of **** that yanks out the hair of your *** as it pushes its way out.

The Party Pooper

The giant **** you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

The Toxic Gas ****

The kind of **** that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.

Dirty Bowl ****

The kind of **** that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

The Windy City ****

When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a ****.

Oh ****! ****

You **** so much and wipe your *** so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH ****!

The Never Ending ****

It's the **** that keeps running out of your *** like pee, and just when you start wiping your *** your stomach gargles and splash, more **** runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Ouch That Hurt ****

The type of **** that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.

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**** HAPPENS

The complete Ideology and Religion **** List

    * Taoism: **** happens.

    * Confucianism: Confucius say, "**** happens."

    * Buddhism: If **** happens, it isn't really ****.

    * Zen Buddhism: **** is, and is not.

    * Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of **** happening?

    * Hinduism: This **** has happened before.

    * Islam: If **** happens, it is the will of Allah.

    * Islam #2: If **** happens, kill the person responsible.

    * Islam #3: If **** happens, blame Israel.

    * Catholicism: If **** happens, you deserve it.

    * Protestantism: Let **** happen to someone else.

    * Presbyterian: This **** was bound to happen.

    * Episcopalian: It's not so bad if **** happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.

    * Methodist: It's not so bad if **** happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.

    * Congregationalist: **** that happens to one person is just as good as **** that happens to another.

    * Unitarian: **** that happens to one person is just as bad as **** that happens to another.

    * Lutheran: If **** happens, don't talk about it.

    * Fundamentalism: If **** happens, you will go to ****, unless you are born again. (Amen!)

    * Fundamentalism #2: If **** happens to a televangelist, it's okay.

    * Fundamentalism #3: **** must be born again.

    * Judaism: Why does this **** always happen to us?

    * Calvinism: **** happens because you don't work.

    * Seventh Day Adventism: No **** shall happen on Saturday.

    * Creationism: God made all ****.

    * Secular Humanism: **** evolves.

    * Christian Science: When **** happens, don't call a doctor - pray!

    * Christian Science #2: **** happening is all in your mind.

    * Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this ****.

    * Quakers: Let us not fight over this ****.

    * Utopianism: This **** does not stink.

    * Darwinism: This **** was once food.

    * Capitalism: That's MY ****.

    * Communism: It's everybody's ****.

    * Feminism: Men are ****.

    * Chauvinism: We may be ****, but you can't live without us...

    * Commercialism: Let's package this ****.

    * Impressionism: From a distance, **** looks like a garden.

    * Idolism: Let's bronze this ****.

    * Existentialism: **** doesn't happen; **** IS.

    * Existentialism #2: What is ****, anyway?

    * Stoicism: This **** is good for me.

    * Hedonism: There is nothing like a good **** happening!

    * Mormonism: God sent us this ****.

    * Mormonism #2: This **** is going to happen again.

    * Wiccan: An it harm none, let **** happen.

    * Scientology: If **** happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.

    * Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock< **** happens.

    * Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our ****?

    * Jehovah's Witnesses #3: **** has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.

    * Moonies: Only really happy **** happens.

    * Hare Krishna: **** happens, rama rama.

    * Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this ****!

    * Zoroastrianism: **** happens half on the time.

    * Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.

    * Practical: Deal with **** one day at a time.

    * Agnostic: **** might have happened; then again, maybe not.

    * Agnostic #2: Did someone ****?

    * Agnostic #3: What is this ****?

    * Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.

    * Atheism: What ****?

    * Atheism #2: I can't believe this ****!

    * Nihilism: No ****.

    * And of course we must add...Alcoholics Anonymous:  **** happens-one day at a time!

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