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...poor joke thread...


Drochit Blue

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Final question at a quiz night in a rough Glasgow pub,

" ans the final question to win the prize of ?50 is... Take Thats first album consisted of four words, the first two were Take That, so what were the last two words?"

There was a 20 second pause, then a wee glasga man shouts out....

" YA C**T "

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A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: ?Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.?

The man then replies: ?Yeah, well we were married 35 years.?

__________________________________________________________________

_______________________________

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

__________________________________________________________________

_______________________________

Edited by dan_ict
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Woman goes to hairdressers in Geordieland

"What can ah dee f'yee pet?" asks the hairdresser.

"I'd like a perm, please."

"Whey aye", the scissor monkey says. "Ahh wanderd lernley as a clood..."

'Scissor monkey'mocking.gif Brilliant!

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On my way to work this morning I saw an RAC van parked up.

The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked as miserable as sin.

I thought to myself.....that guys heading for a breakdown.

:D

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

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I think Pele-is-God's one about the wasp came from the late great, Chic Murray...

Some of Chic's stuff here.... There's a ton more of it on Google.

Visiting London, Chic was asked by a stranger, "Do you know the Battersea dog's home?". He replied, "I didn't even know it was away."

We've got stained glass windows in our house. It's those damned pigeons.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you".

I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.

I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea as I was a stranger there myself.

My wife went to a beauty parlour and got a mud pack. For two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off. She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

My next door neighbour said "Is it O.K. if I use your lawnmower?" I replied, "Certainly, just don't take it out of my garden!"

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On my way to work this morning I saw an RAC van parked up.

The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked as miserable as sin.

I thought to myself.....that guys heading for a breakdown.

:blink:

Lol that is just sooooooooo you !!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

We man likes this one ..... Did you hear about the fight at the fish shop ??

The cod got battered !!

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Some more gems from the Master. Pele_is_God please note....

Chic wanders into a pet shop and asks the assistant for a pet wasp. The assistant replies that they don't stock them and they don't make good pets. Chic replies "But you've got two in the window!"

A concerned onlooker approaches Chic after he slips on an icy pavement and falls on his rear. "Did you slip?" he replies "No - I'm trying to break a bar of toffee in my back pocket."

"I walked into the bedroom. The curtains were drawn, but the bed was real."

"I walked into a bar. Ouch."

I was at the Olympic Games, in the Olympic Village and I saw a man walking towards me with a big stick on his shoulder. I said "are you a pole vaulter?" and he said "No, I'm a German and how did you know my name was Valter?"

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Here's a Hector Nicol joke

How do you spot a blind man in a nudist colony?

It's no hard.

i like that one

I got sent this one by a mate from my old work

Question: If we can sue McDonalds for making us & Cigarette companies for cancer. Why can't we sue Smirnoff for all the ugly barstewards that we've shagged?

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