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broomie boy

Crap Jokes

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Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want".
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini".
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. "No Sister, he laughs, this says 'Sahara Pipeline, laid by 500 men in 7 days'!"          

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A Yorkshireman's wife dies.
He arranges the funeral, purchases a headstone and goes to see the engraver.
"All I want on it" He says "is MY DARLING WIFE, SHE WERE THINE".
The engraver tells him no problem, come back tomorrow. The following morning he returns and is shown the headstone.
MY DARLING WIFE, SHE WERE THIN.
"You've forgotten the E" The Yorkshire man sobs. The engraver apologises and tells him to come back in an hour.

 


An hour later he returns and is shown the headstone.

 

 


MY DARLING WIFE, EEEEEEE SHE WERE THIN

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There was a prison break and I saw a dwarf climbing up the fence.
As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that's a little condescending.           

 

Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen

 

My neighbours named their newly born baby "saturn".
Not my idea of a child's name but it does have a ring to it.

 

After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he is looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn't find him, he's going to use both eyes          

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A Young Scot Attends English University

Donald MacDonald from the Scottish Highlands went to study Law at a renowned and austere English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.

After he had been there a month, his elderly mother came to visit him.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people...

...The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop...

...The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?" She asked her son.

Donald replied enthusiastically:

"Mother, I keep calm, I do nothing. I simply ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

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A rather posh bar and restaurant was advertising for a new piano player,several applicants turn up for interviews but when asked to play a piece on the piano they were deemed not good enough.
The following day a Glaswegian called Davy came in for an interview. After having a short talk with the manager he's asked to play a piece on the piano, he proceeds to play a beautiful piece of music. Impressed,the manager asks him what the piece of music was called. "It's a piece of music I made maself called 'I ****** my wife on top of a washing machine' ".
"Oh really?" The manager replied a little embarrassed, "Do you know anything else?"

"Ach aye" Davy replied "This one is called 'Shagging a Nun in the back of a van' " and he proceeds to play an equally beautiful piece of music.

The manager is of course completely perplexed but can't deny Davy's ability on the piano and giving that there are no words to the songs,he sees no harm in hiring him providing he doesn't talk to any of the customers.

On his first night,Davy is a hit and the customers are all delighted with his music. Later in the evening Davy takes a break and decides to nip to the toilet for a quick ham shank.
45 minutes later he isn't back and so the manager tells the barman to go into the toilet and tell Davy to get back on the piano or he's fired.

The barman goes into the toilet and knocks on the cubicle door.

"Davy?"

"What?"

"You better get back out there or the boss is going to fire you"

"Aw ****, all right I'm on my way"

A few seconds later, Davy is back on the piano.
The barman looks over and notices something.

He discreetly wanders over and whispers in Davy's ear, "Davy, do you know your dick is hanging out and there's cum dripping all over your shoes"

To which Davy replies "Dae a ken it? Ah ******* wrote it"

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Woman goes to the doctor.
"Doc, I don't feel to well"
The doctor examines her and say's
"You have VD"
The woman say's
" I must have caught it from the toilet seat"
The doctor say's
" You must've been chewing it, as you've got it in the mouth"

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A hereditary peer was giving his opinion when a newby left-winger accused him of never having used a bus. The peer said he'd rectify that at the end of proceedings that very day.

"Sure enough, he was seen to leave the House and go to the nearest bus stop. He got on the first bus that arrived and said to the driver, '24 Russell Square, please'."

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It is competition day on Forth Radio and the prize on offer is a 10-day all-expenses paid holliday for two in Bali.

The winner needs to name a word commonly used in Scotland but that is not in any dictionary.

The first caller comes on the line:

"OK, caller, what is your first name and where are you from?"

"It's Jason, from Lochend."

"OK, Jason from Lochend, what is your word and spell it"

"Goan, G-O-A-N."

"OK, that is not in the dictionary, can you give me a sentence it could be used in?"

"Goan **** yourself."

The presenter ends the call in disgust.

A few minutes later there is a new caller.

"OK, caller, what is your first name and where are you from?"

"It's Grant, from Leith."
"OK, Grant from Leith, what is your word and spell it"
"Smee, S-M-E-E."
"OK, that is not in the dictionary, can you give me a sentence it could be used in?"
"Smee again, goan **** yourself"... 
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My mate suffers from depression so I gave him an Army Colouring Book for his birthday. When he feels sad now at least he'll have a soldier to crayon

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Two auld dears were hurtling doon the Royal Mile on a tandem. Jeannie turns round to Maggie and says, " Ye ken Maggie, I've never come this way before." And Maggie says, "Aye, same wi' me Jeannie – it must be they cobblestones."

 

A scotch pie costs 1.50 in Trinidad and Tobago, it costs 1.70 in the domican republic and 2.15 in Jamaica.
That's the pie rates of the Caribbean.          

 

 

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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this.   You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes.   I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

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I was going to a fancy dress party as a sweetie shop owner, and tried on my outfit. I walked into the livingroom and my wife said `give me a twirl'. Christ, I thought, this outfit must be really convincing

 

Older guy is talking to the family doctor tells him he is concerned his wife is going deaf.

the doctor suggests he tests her by speaking normally to her and keeps reducing the distance until he gets heard by her.

returning home he is at the kitchen door and asks what's for tea dear? silence so moves closer and asks again,silence

Standing right behind her he asks again what's for tea dear.

For the third time Chicken.

 

I found my first grey pubic hair today.

I'll not be eating my granny's soup again.

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