Jump to content

Jokes thread


Guest birdog

Recommended Posts

Thought I would start off a jokes thread, the only one I found searching was over a year old and asking for a specific thing.

Post your jokes in here.

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night.

The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friends.

None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night.

The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.

The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 81
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

How do you know a dog is a man's best friend?

Well, lock your wife and your dog in the boot of your car for 3 hours, then let them out, and see which one is happier to see you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1. Losing all your friends

Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.

He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says 'If you behave like this,

you will lose ALL your friends.'

2. Brother wanted

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus, 'Send me a brother'....

Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....

3. Meaning of WIFE

Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without

Information Fighting Everytime'!'

Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'

4. Importance of a period

Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'

Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad

got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'

5. Confident vs. confidential

A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and

confidential?' Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your

friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! '

6. Anger management?

Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control

your anger?'

Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'

Husband: 'How does that help?'

Wife: 'I use your toothbrush .'

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office one day & said, 'Alastair , I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England '.

'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' said Darling.

'Well' said Brown 'we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick & a flat cap, oh & a Labrador . Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Halifax, & we'll show we really enjoy the countryside, ....... oh & remember not to mention the hunting with dogs Act'

'Right PM' said Darling. So a few days later, all kitted out & with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London .

Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for & found a lovely country pub called the Causeway Foot &, with the dog, went in & up to the bar.

'Good evening Landlord, two pints of you best ale, from the wood please'

said Brown

'Good evening, Prime Minister' said the landlord, 'two pints of best it is, coming up'

Brown & Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes, nodding now & again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay quietly at their feet. As they drank their beer they chatted about how heart-rending it was that pensioners were being imprisoned for not paying the council tax.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened & in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador lifted its tail & looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders & walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who followed the same procedure.

To the bewilderment of Brown & Darling people of all ages & gender followed suit over the next hour.

Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord over.

'Tell me' said Darling, 'Why did all those people come in & look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old country custom?

'Good Lord no,' said the landlord. 'It's just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two 'arseholes'

Edited by caleyjags
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Obese black woman goes to the doctors complaining of a sore throat.

"Take off your clothes and squat in the corner Please" says the doctor.

She Does.

"Now squat in the other corner" he says.

She Does.

Woman, very bemused asks, "Will this help my sore throat?"

Doc Says, "No I will give you antibiotics for that. I just wanted to see how the black leather chairs I've ordered will look".

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to

make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some

advice.

Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy

swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer

They're years outta style.

You 're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos -

about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em.

I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight

Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.

Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their

faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick!

So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong

now?"

JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard,

"Maaaaate.

*

*

*

*

*

The potato goes in front!"

Cheers Jock Watt!

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman..'

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.

As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'

Edited by The Mantis
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple

bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his

throat. Naturally the doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at

a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture."

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I

noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a

golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of

the cow's butt.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey,

this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that..."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A nun is sitting on a train opposite a man who is eating a bag of prawns.

Every time he eats one he spits the head at her and she throws it out the window.

Eventually she gets annoyed and pulls the emergency cord, the guy looks at her and says "You'll get fined ?50 for that you stupid b*tch" and laughs.

She laughs back and says "When I cry rape and they smell your fingers you'll get 10 years you stupid c*nt!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking

it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.

After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again

and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven

times before the bartender asks him, 'Why do you keep

looking in your pocket?' The man replies, 'I have a

picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough to

screw, I'll go home.

Edited by birdog
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A little old man totters into a chemist to buy viagra.Can i

have 6 tablets and i need them cut into quarters.I could cut

them for you said the chemist but a quarter tablet will not

give you a full erection.I am 96 years old said the old man

i dont have much use for an erection i just want it sticking

out far enough so i dont **** on my slippers

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A husband and wife are getting ready for a fancy dress party

The Wife starts moaning that she cant find anything to wear

The Husband replies "Why don't you pull your **** flaps over your head and go as a sugar puff?"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were

touring around the market-place looking at the goods and

such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican

accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my

humble shop.' So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, 'I ave some special sandals

I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at

sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals

after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really

didn't need them, being the Sex Machine that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you

a sex freak?' The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem

on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife,

finally gave in and tried them on.. As soon as he slipped

them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes,

something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican,

bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down

his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's

thighs. The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de

wrong feet!'

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were

touring around the market-place looking at the goods and

such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican

accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my

humble shop.' So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, 'I ave some special sandals

I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at

sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals

after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really

didn't need them, being the Sex Machine that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you

a sex freak?' The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem

on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife,

finally gave in and tried them on.. As soon as he slipped

them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes,

something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican,

bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down

his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's

thighs. The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de

wrong feet!'

;) :rotflmao: :thumb04: :018:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

An Irish Ghost Story

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true!!!!!

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by.

The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The car started moving slowly.

John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching.

Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night.

They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.... ..........

-

-

-

-

-

-

- 'Look Paddy.....there's that f*cking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in

progress. A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The

salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage,

was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an

old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out

a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty

swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was

carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and

saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't

Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. He couldn't believe the old guy was

still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket.

Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were

placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then

suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three

swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after

the show.

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know

something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to

coconuts? ''Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit

they used tae be.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name of Paracetamol. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky Boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

--------------------------------------------------

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.

Mick says "how ya doin?"

Paddy says "do us a favour, nip upstairs and get mey slippers, mey feet are freezin"

Mick goes upstairs and see's Paddy's two gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed.

He says "ye dad's sent me up 're to shag both of ya"

They say "get away with ya.. prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs "Paddy, both of 'em?"

Paddy shouts back "of course both of 'em, what's the point of f****n one?"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just got a phone call from Michael, a mate of mine from Kerry, bit of bad news it seems...

Michael had been to the Dr's this morning, and was told he'd 6 weeks to live !!!

Michael asked if there was anything he could so.

The Dr says "well you could try taking a mud bath every day".

Michael asked "will it cure me" ?

Dr says, "No, but it'll get you used to the clay"...

Edited by Canada Bob
Link to comment
Share on other sites

People always say never work with animals or children as it always leads to trouble, this is especially true in porn.

What's black white and red all over?

Penguin rape.

Rich Man & Poor Man discuss Christmas presents,

Poor Man, asked Rich Man,what did you give your for christmas, Rich man I gave her a Mercedes and a diamond ring, if she doesnt like the ring , she can drive her new Mercedes to the jewellers and swap it

what did you give your wife he asked the Poor man, I gave her a pair of slippers and a *****, if she doesnt like the slippers , she can go *uck herself!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ?That?s the ugliest baby that I?ve ever seen. Ugh!? The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ?The driver just insulted me!? The man says: ?You go right up there and tell him off ? go ahead, I?ll hold your monkey for you.?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The SPOON:

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the waiter brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of th e waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our 'you-know-what', we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now



×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. : Terms of Use : Guidelines : Privacy Policy