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Guest birdog

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Due to the tough economic times a barber decided he'd give free haircuts all week...

One the first day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut, after the cut he puts his hand in his pocket to pay, and the barbers says...

"Haircuts are free this week, it's my way of helping folks out in my community during these tough times"...

The florist was impressed and taken aback as he left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a bus driver comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies,

"Haircuts are free this week, it's my way of helping folks out in my community during these tough times"...

The bus driver is impressed and taken aback as he left the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen bus passes waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies,

"Haircuts are free this week, it's my way of helping folks out in my community during these tough times"...

The professor is impressed and taken aback as he left the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'

Then, a politician comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies,

"Haircuts are free this week, it's my way of helping folks out in my community during these tough times"...

The politician is impressed and taken aback as he leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.

In a light hearted way this just about describes the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Government.

Edited by Canada Bob
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a young English boy was walking home from school one day and finds a kilt and he tried it on

he hurries in the house and shouted to his mammy look at me i'm scottish she said i can't believe you just said that and slapped his face now go and tell granny what you just told me, so he went to his granny and said look at me granny i'm scottish she kicked his arse and said i can't believe you just said that now go and tell your father what you just said to me, so he went to his father and shouted hi daddy look at me i'm scottish his dad shouted i cant believe you just said that and punched him in the face, well how do you feel now? the young boy said i've only been scottish for five minutes but i hate yous english bassas already

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The only cow in a small town in Aberdeenshire stopped giving milk.

The people did some research and found they could buy a cow down in

Forfar, for ?200.00.

They bought the cow from Forfar and the cow was wonderful. It produced

lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very

happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more

cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply

again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move

away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away

from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very

wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening.

"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he

approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her

from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks

away to the other side."

The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked,

"Did you buy this cow in Forfar?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they

bought the cow.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow in Forfar?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,

"My wife is from Forfar."

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Babies first visit to the Doctor

Doctor examines him and is a bit concerned at weight or lack of

Asks if bottle or breast fed - confirmed breast fed

Strip to waist please

Breasts are massaged, kneaded, stroked and the nipples flicked, in a professional manner

Clothes on please

Problem is you have no milk

I know, I'm the child's grandmother

BUT, I'm pleased I came!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Two gay blokes having a chat, one says to the other...

What's the difference between a rabbit and a hare ?

The other gay blokes says...

Well, I've pulled a hair out of your ass,

but I wouldn't like to try pulling a rabbit out...

Edited by Canada Bob
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A long one, but it's well worth the read!!! :rotflmao:

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately y on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best....?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

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This threads a great idea, well done Mr B!

And your first joke reminded me of one.

A survey was carried out amongst 100 men, asking them the reasons why they get up in the night.

12% said to go down to the fridge for a drink, 13% said to let the cat in and the remaining 75% said to go home!

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This threads a great idea, well done Mr B!

And your first joke reminded me of one.

A survey was carried out amongst 100 men, asking them the reasons why they get up in the night.

12% said to go down to the fridge for a drink, 13% said to let the cat in and the remaining 75% said to go home!

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During a visit to the Hospital, I asked the Director, "How do you

determine whether or not a patient should be sectioned?"

"Well," said the Doctor, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer

a teaspoon,

a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the

bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A sane person would use the

bucket because

it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Doctor, "A sane person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed next to Johndo?"

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a young English boy was walking home from school one day and finds a kilt and he tried it on

he hurries in the house and shouted to his mammy look at me i'm scottish she said i can't believe you just said that and slapped his face now go and tell granny what you just told me, so he went to his granny and said look at me granny i'm scottish she kicked his arse and said i can't believe you just said that now go and tell your father what you just said to me, so he went to his father and shouted hi daddy look at me i'm scottish his dad shouted i cant believe you just said that and punched him in the face, well how do you feel now? the young boy said i've only been scottish for five minutes but i hate yous english bassas already

Jesus mate! You need to work on your grammar there! I hope you tell them better in person :rotflmao:

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This joke was sed to me when we were 12th in the league

How do you know if your reading the newspaper upside down?

Because caley are top of the league! :rotflmao:

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Guest Muir-Jaggie

This threads a great idea, well done Mr B!

And your first joke reminded me of one.

A survey was carried out amongst 100 men, asking them the reasons why they get up in the night.

12% said to go down to the fridge for a drink, 13% said to let the cat in and the remaining 75% said to go home!

:rotflmao: :thumb04: :015: :018: ;) :lol:

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A Glesga wummin goes into a sex shop and asks to see their vibrators.

The assistant says 'that's our whole range over there on the wall'.

She says 'I'll take that big red yin then'

He says 'that's a fire extinguisher.......'

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Good one Mr M

Sorry for my duplicated joke CMINB, I was having technical difficulties with my computer.....

and whilst I'm here.......

Paddy and Mick flying along in an old open top bi- plane

Paddy says to Mick, " Here Mick, do you think if we fly upside down we'll fall out?

"No way Paddy, you'll always by my friend"

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Guest birdog

Good one Mr M

Sorry for my duplicated joke CMINB, I was having technical difficulties with my computer.....

and whilst I'm here.......

Paddy and Mick flying along in an old open top bi- plane

Paddy says to Mick, " Here Mick, do you think if we fly upside down we'll fall out?

"No way Paddy, you'll always by my friend"

Excellent, but lets hope there are not too many over sensitive Celtic fans registered on here or you'll get accused of racism :rotflmao:

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Some weegie jokes.............

A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:

'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken'

'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where

are you ringing from?

'Fae my knickers tae ma feet. '

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.

'Comfy?'asks the dentist.

'Govan,' she replies.

What did the male Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?

Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'

Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter' 'That's affa dear,' says the guy.

'Aye yer right!' replies the bloke

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?

He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.

'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.

'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq? Coo eight.

Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a Musketeer?

The dark tan yin.

'What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?

The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.'

And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.

Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?

It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:

'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'

'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says. 'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?'

'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering

with the engine of his car.

'What's up Jimmy?' he asks. 'Piston broke,' he replies.

'Aye, same as masel...

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Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his ***** in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?

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One for Reef here...

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'

He replies, 'Yes - caffeine.'

'Have you ever been in the military service?' Yes,' he says. 'I was

in Iraq for two years.' The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5

extra points toward employment.'

Then he asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?'

The guy says, 'Yes...an IED exploded near me and I lost both of My

testicles.' The interviewer grimaces and then says, 'OK. You've got

enough points for me to hire you right now.

Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 PM You can start

tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 AM everyday.'

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the work hours are from 8:00 AM

to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me to be here until 10:00 AM?'

This is a government job,' the interviewer says, 'For the first two

hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.

No point in you coming in for that.

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