Jokes thread

[CaleyMad]

Scientist have found the root of Swine Flu and where it begun.

But we have been not to worry, due to the fact that we have plenty medicine to cure the whole of Scotland.

[Soma]

Did you hear about the man who opened a yacht showroom?

Sales went through the roof.

[The Mantis]

Dear St Josephs School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon.

I am 84 years old and live at Grove Park , Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away.

I am all alone and I want to thank you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one,

She would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in

tears..

She asked if she could listen to mine, and naturally I told her to f**k off.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Edna

[Heilandee]

Old boy fed up with years of his wifes constant nagging decides to arrange a contract to have her bumped off.He heads down to local dodgy pub and is introduced to "Karl"

"how much will it cost" he asks,

5 grand is the reply.

"and how will you do it?"

A single shot through the left nipple answers Karl.

"ach",he says "thats nae use, i want her killed no knee capped"

[cal234ey]

Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?

So they can see the fight as they run away.

[Johnboy]

Why men shouldn't be agony aunts.

Somebody sent me this the other day. I don't get it... Terry's answer makes perfect sense to me.

Dear Terry,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my

husband in the house watching the TV. I hadn't driven more than a mile

down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a

halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I

couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's

daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 19.

We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down

and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six

months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant

six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed

and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the

ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling

and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila

______________________________________

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a

variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no

debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and

hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none

of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump

itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

Terry

[buffy]

"A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:

'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken'

'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where

are you ringing from?

'Fae my knickers tae ma feet. '"

LOL!!! :)