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School fitba matches


Heilandee

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Sure they we're the same up here....

Primary School Football Rules:

Does this ring any bells??

Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and lunchtime. Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods, play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the "bottle" of the participants. There is a sliding scale from those who hasten to stand in line as soon as the bell rings, known as "poofs", through those who will hang on until the time they estimate it takes the teachers to down the last of their G & T's and journey from the staff room, known as "chancers", and finally to those who will hang on until a teacher actually has to physically retrieve them, known as "nutters". It is important, in picking the sides, to achieve a fair balance of poofs, chancers and nutters in order that the scoreline achieved over a sustained period of play is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught of five nutters against one. The scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the match is in the trust of the last nutters to leave the field of play.

PARAMETERS

The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of jackets, in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink throughout the match, depending on the number of participants and the prevailing weather. It is important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out cross the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went "over the post" and is thus disallowed. In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is observed as being slightly above head height, regardless of the height of the keeper. The width of the pitch is variable. In the absence of roads, water hazards etc, the width is determined by how far out the attacking winger has to go before the pursuing defender gives up. At free kicks, the scale of the pitch justifies placing a wall of players eighteen inches from the ball. It is the formal response to "yards", which the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places the ball.

TACTICS

Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team formation. Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to circumstance - from e.g. 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2, the playground side is usually more rigid in sticking to the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation.

STOPPAGES

Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players requiring treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows more freely, with play continuing around or even on top of a participant who has fallen - or more likely been pushed - over.

Other stoppages:

Ball on school roof or over school wall. The retrieval time itself is negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the argument to decide which player must risk life, limb or four of the belt to scale the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return to play. Disputes usually arise between the player who actually struck ball and any others he claims it may have struck before disappearing into forbidden territory.

Bigger boys steal the ball. The intruders will seldom actually steal the ball, but will improvise their own kick about amongst themselves, occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt to tackle them. Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results in a quick restart.

Menopausal old bag confiscates ball. More of a threat in the street or local green kickabout than within the school walls. Sad, blue-rinsed, ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner transfers her anger about the array of failures that has been her life to nine-year-olds who have committed the heinous crime of letting their ball cross her privet Line of Death. Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last "until you learn how to play with it properly".

CELEBRATION

Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with their hands in the air. But making it 34-12 does not entitle the player to drop to his knees and make the sign of the cross. A fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25-yard rocket (actually eight yards, but calculated as relative distance because "it's not a full-size pitch") will elicit applause and back-pats from the entire team and the more magnanimous of the opponents. However, a tap-in in the midst of a chaotic scramble will be heralded with the epithet "****ing poacher" from the opposing defence. "****ing goal-hanger" is the preferred alternative. Applying an unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into the goal will elicit a burst nose from the original striker. Kneeling down to head the ball over the line when defence and keeper are already beaten will elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking.

PENALTIES

At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who will defer to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his requiring one more for a hat trick. In the playground the best player usually takes the penalties but he may defer to the 'best fighter' or if the side is comfortably in front, the ball-owner may be invited to take a penalty. Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions at penalties.

CLOSE SEASON

This is known also as the Summer Holidays, when the players dabble briefly in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon is on the telly; pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open; and cricket for about an hour and a half until they reckon it really is as boring playing as it is to watch.

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Brilliant Heilandee. Reminds me of my days in the Merkie School 60 years ago. I was always the last one chosen for a team, regardless of whether it was made up of 5 or 50 players. My record is being on the pitch for thirty minutes withough kicking the ball - but running about ten miles in an effort to get close to it.

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Stuff the running Charles. After a few years of fruitless running after a ball  I turned to chasing women in the Meeting Rooms and the Caley. The women were even more difficult to catch but it was more fun than chasing a bit of leather.

    Back to the point however. Heilandee's summary of the scramble in playing football where we had out own rules brought back great memories.

    Up until three summers ago I kicked a ball with my ten year old grandson on a large playing field (it has two football pitches) just outside my front door. There were several other kids with parents/ grandparents kicking a ball around.  On Sundays there are competitive amateur games played between local teams to a fairly high standard - rather like the Inverness Welfare League.

    Only on reading this thread has it dawned on me that in the 18 years I have lived here I have never seen a group of kids get together for a kick around - either on the park or in the street - in the way we used to. I am curious - do the kids in Inverness continue to organise themselves into "mass" football matches? Or is this something else that is part of history.

    Again out of curiousity. Does Clach Rangers, Hill Rovers and Hilton Athletic still exist?

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David Dowling probably wishes Clach Rangers still existed! I'm also not sure if Hill Rovers or Hilton Athletic are still there either.

I think "mass" football matches are a good deal less common these days, as are any physical activities on the part of kids.  However I do see some lads playing in Drummond school from time to time. Unfortunately Rangers and Celtic strips are most commonly observed though.

I can't imagine in your day that there would have been organised football in public parks in Inverness on Sundays though. I think it was the mid 70s before the District Council started to give lets of their facilities on Sundays.

On that subject but to digress, can anyone give me a logical explanation why you can't buy a few cans of beer in a supermarket in Inverness on a Sunday morning... a time when most folks' supplies have reached a low?

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Dinnae get me started on that ane Charles,we were doon sooth at the weekend and driving back up Sunday stopped in at the Baxters place at Blackford.On spying ornate Whisky decanters shaped as golf clubs and the like ,decided this would be just the job for my whisky loving /golfing brother in la's birthday pressie....."Right we'll tak ane of them please" ...."sorry sir, we cant sell you it till 12.30 coz its got alchohol in it".....the law, as they say, truely is an a®ss  :008:

glad you liked the footy memories Sandy but i cant take credit ,it wis robbed of another site but obviusly touches many folks memories

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There's always the suspicion that this interdict on selling alcohol on a Sunday morning is at the insitgation of Church interests. But that surely seems a bit strange, given that their people are all safely out of temptation's way on a Sunday morning. And of course they wouldn't be wanting to impose their own values and rules on other people or anything like that.... would they?!

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