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Fugitives Butchered


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In a surprise attack yesterday, special forces commanded by military chief Sir Terence Butcher were finally successful in their mission to assassinate Grant Munro and Russell Duncan.

It is thought that Munro and Duncan had been hiding out in a remote and mountainous part of Scotland for the last 10 years. Much of that time was thought to have been spent at a training camp east of Inverness, where the football fundamentalists attempted to radicalise other recruits into believing passionately in their cause. In addition to reading sacred texts from the Kerrang, the pair were known to pray 4 times a day in the direction of Mosstodloch in honour of their mastermind, known simply as “Pele”.

Pele is understood to be the spiritual leader of the group of known as Al Qaholica, for whom the Highland region has long been a fertile recruiting ground. In a bizarre ritual, sympathisers and followers are understood to congregate regularly in known meeting spots, chanting “Qhali” repeatedly after consuming vast quantities of intoxicating liquor.

Another of Pele’s henchmen, known as Ross Tokely, is understood to have escaped.

“I’ve been after Tokely for years” sighed a disappointed Butcher. “We located him and sent in the helicopters to take him down, but he swatted them away like flies. I then implemented plan B, which was to call in air strikes. At first we thought they were having an effect, but then it became apparent that Tokely’s reaction was simply laughter because the missiles were a bit tickly. He’s got away for now, but believe me, I’ll be doing everything I can to get him as soon as I can, and the same goes for any other Pele sympathisers I come across. Roy? Golly? Nobody is a better manager than me, is that clear?”

Butcher himself had a long and distinguished military career, seeing active service in warzones such as Govan. He notably received a commendation for bravery after losing all his limbs in the midst of a battle but insisting that a simple bandage would enable him to carry on.

Commenting further on yesterday’s successful operation, Butcher added “This mission to get Munro and Duncan was a long time in the making, and Tulloch Caledonian Stadium will be a better place without them. Munro thought he was getting a new contract but it was a simple misunderstanding after I said was I was taking out a contract on him. He was the one I really wanted because he was leader of this cell and I’ve tried to take him down before, but Duncan had been protecting him for years, thwarting numerous attacks. I’d also seen horrific videos on the web of these guys in action. Some of the ones featuring Duncan portray absolutely shocking scenes of heading.”

Another detail of the operation to emerge is that the initial plan was for it to be carried out by a crack Israeli unit. “But sadly, he got injured.....again“ said Butcher. “In fact even when he’s not injured, he’s actually pretty ineffective, but we’ll see, I might give him another few years just cos I hired him and he’s not one of Pele’s followers.”

The whereabouts of the remains of Munro and Duncan was the subject of much speculation, but Butcher confirms that they were taken out into the Moray Firth at night and pushed out of the back of a dolphin cruise boat, in accordance with strict local custom. But this hasn’t stopped conspiracy theorists speculating that the two will somehow “come back to haunt” Butcher.

When asked if his next mission would be to tackle a group of Irish Republicans believed to be a potent attacking threat operating in the Inverness area, Butcher quickly gets up to leave the press conference and makes for the door with fear evident in his eyes. “’Kinell, I ain’t messing with the likes of Ritchie Foran! Fundamendalists, no bother. Mentalists like that, no chance!”

Edited by Yngwie
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In a further development, Sir Terence "The Butcher" last night celebrate victory after launching a serious of audacious attacks on the much feared Parkhid tribe, a fierce but primitive faction who live in caves in the west. "I sent in an elite squad of special forces and they didn't let me down" said the commander proudly.

But media attention quickly focused on whether or not it would be appropriate to release a photo of vanquished tribal leader, Lennon.

"I've seen the photo of his face" said Butcher. "And it's a truly gruesome sight, all hideous and contorted. To release that picture into the public domain would be distasteful and disturbing. And you've got to consider the impact an image like that would have on children who might see it. There could be lasting damage."

"Followers of Lennon are also making the point that releasing the photo would be seen as parading a trophy. But I would suggest it's the only trophy they'd be seeing any time soon" he quipped.

:getmecoat:

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I emailed your first post to my bro, who showed it to two Pope's O'Rangers fans, who sit together in his work, but in different seats at Ibrox Chapel. One of them said how he thinks Caley Thistle fans are easily the best, and then the two huns both started going on about the time an ICT fan, reacting to taunting from the Rangers fans taunts, and got both his moobs out, in all their glory. They loved it. There doesn't happen to be someone, maybe in England, that could lay claim to those monsters, using this forum?

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In a further development, Sir Terence "The Butcher" last night celebrate victory after launching a serious of audacious attacks on the much feared Parkhid tribe, a fierce but primitive faction who live in caves in the west. "I sent in an elite squad of special forces and they didn't let me down" said the commander proudly.

But media attention quickly focused on whether or not it would be appropriate to release a photo of vanquished tribal leader, Lennon.

"I've seen the photo of his face" said Butcher. "And it's a truly gruesome sight, all hideous and contorted. To release that picture into the public domain would be distasteful and disturbing. And you've got to consider the impact an image like that would have on children who might see it. There could be lasting damage."

"Followers of Lennon are also making the point that releasing the photo would be seen as parading a trophy. But I would suggest it's the only trophy they'd be seeing any time soon" he quipped.

:getmecoat:

Followers of Lennon are hoping for revenge attacks against Kilmarnock,Hearts and Motherwell but after locating Cellic with the aid of satellite technology at the Tulloch Caledonian Stadium a crack team took them out during an assault which lasted 90 minutes, reprisals now seem doubtful.

The assault,also viewed in the Whitehouse by Obama and his aides felt that justice had been done, one aide commented "The face, that horrible face, the close up shot of Lennon was too much I had to cover my face"

Edited by 12th Man
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