Sign in to follow this  
IBM

Jokes

Recommended Posts

Phone rings, woman answers...

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says: "I bet you have a tight **** with no hair?"

Woman replies: "Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodaiki a bright foreign

exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he

said.

'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall

not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Hodaiki: 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!' said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more

difficult...'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for

your country?'

Once again, Hodaiki's was the only hand in the air and he said:

'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of

yourselves, Little Hodaiki isn't from this country and he knows more about

our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F . . k the Japs,'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Hodaiki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Hodaiki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,

1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Hodaiki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the

teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little ****. If you say

anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Hodaiki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson

to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,

'that`s it, we're fecked!'

Little Hodaiki said quietly, ‘Ally McCoist, 2012.

  • Agree 8

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them **** in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird ****."

"It was my first day with the hook."

  • Agree 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Christmas presents:

For brother - iPad

For son - iPhone

For wife - iRon

  • Funny 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University ..

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,

after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and

walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs

and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same f.....g elephant.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having ****tails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,

"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The electronic equipment being tried out for goal-line technology will not be used at Rangers games next season," a Celtic fan phones to tell us.

When we asked why, he replied: "Apparently it doesn't work with goalposts made from jumpers."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The Australian Government and the NSW Forestry Service were presenting an alternative to NSW sheep farmers for controlling the dingo population.

It seems that after years of the sheep farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the Labour Government

(Peter Garrett - Environmental Minister), the NSW Forestry Service and the Greens tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again.

Therefore the population would be controlled.

This was ACTUALLY proposed to the NSW Sheep Farmers Association.

All of the sheep farmers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Mr Garrett, son, I don't think you understand

Our problem, 'those dingo's ain't f***ing our sheep, they're eatin' 'em.'

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Jim, because he snored so badly.

They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Jim and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Jim snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Jim shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast

bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Jim into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.

Jim sat up and watched me all night."

With age comes wisdom.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

"You're the worst train driver ever," said my boss.

"How many trains have you derailed to date?"

"It's hard to keep track," I said.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Just been on the news... A crowd of dyslexic parents have beaten up Jimmy Somerville.

Edited by caley100
  • Funny 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Big Chief Sitting Bull has all the young Indians around the camp fire, captivated, as he is telling them stories from the tribes history and culture. One small Indian interupts Sitting Bull when he starts telling about Scratching Bear and the pale face man.

' Big chief, Big chief ' he shouts ' How do we get our names? '

Sitting Bull stops telling his story and looks at the young boy. It puts him deep in thought, and he then looks around the bright eyed children awaiting his response.

' Well that is easy to explain my young brave. On the morning of which the child is born to the world, when we come out of the tee-pee in the morning, we see something and hence the name comes from this. Beside you is your sister, Bubbling stream, and your brother Lightning Storm, both born after rain in the fall. Your cousin Running Bear was after we see a bear run to its cubs. All of you are named after events we see in the morning after you were first born!. But please tell me why you are asking 'Two dogs Focking'

Edited by bauhaus
  • Agree 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

> Sean was the pastor of a Church of England parish on the Northern

> Ireland / Southern Ireland border and Patrick was the priest in the

> Roman Catholic Church across the road.

> One day they were seen together, erecting a sign into the ground,

> which said:

>

> TA END IS NEAR!

> TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW AFOR IT IS TOO LATE!

>

> As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled,

> "Leave people alone, you Oirish religious nutters! We don't need your

> lectures."

> From the next curve they heard screeching tyres and a big splash.

> Shaking his head, Rev. Patrick said "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

> "Yaa," Pastor Sean agreed, then asks, "Do yatink maybe da sign should

> just say, 'Bridge Out?'"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

McSimon McGarfunkel enter from side right and play ..."Bridge overTroubled Waters."

Och, sorry, guys, Now I remember, that should be yon blues number by Muddy Waters..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Breaking news ... George Clooney has just signed up for a biopic on Jimmy Saville's life, to be called "Oh, she's eleven".

There might be a couple of sequels, but he wouldn't want to go beyond 13...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A couple were Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers.

Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.

She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phoned then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice replied: "Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you...?"

His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered:  "Yes, I remember that jewellery shop..."




"Well," he said, "I'm in the pub next door!"  .......

  • Agree 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's  to spending the rest
of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
Corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the othernight
at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he's only been in there twice in the last four years.

"Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time
he fell asleep".

  • Agree 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

And the mob sung ''believe it if you like."

 

Come all ye faithful... joyfully triumphant.

Especially, Darling,  if you are built like  a tank but look like an elephant.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin and orders three pints of Guinness

and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three

more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it;

it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in

America , the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin . When we all

left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we

all drank together."

The bar tender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way.

He orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from

each of them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the

other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent....

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,

"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my

condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye

and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine".

 

"It's me ......... I've quit drinking!"

  • Agree 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Mary took her 6 year old son to the doctor, she explained to the doctor that wee Johnny was well but she was concerned about his very small *****.

 

After examining Johnny the doctor confidently declared 'just feed him lots of pancakes'

 

The next day Johnny came home from school to see a huge plate of freshly made pancakes on the kitchen table, are they for me he asked

 

You can have one Johnny, the rest are for your father! 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

  • FB_caley_thisle_online_970x90.jpg

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.