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Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled -
'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.''
( Bournemouth Evening Echo)

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The rain was pouring down. And there standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick with a piece of string dangling in the water.

A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"

"Fishing, replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent said, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."

In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskys, the gentleman cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?"

"You're the eighth" said the old man. 

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An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.

Surprised, she looks at the old man and asks him old he is?

"I'm 90 years old,' he says "90!" Replies the woman. "Don't you realise you've had it?"

 'Oh, sorry' says the old man, 'how much do I owe you?

 

 

Sign in pet shop window.............'Clitoris licking frog'
Woman walks into shop.............man behind counter says..........'Bonjour madam'

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My grandad went down in history...

and on one occasion fingered a girl in geography.

 

Paddy was on his death bed and knew the end was near. 
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. 

When all is ready he begins to speak: 
"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra." 
"My daughter Geraldine , you take the apartments over in Malone Road." 
"My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre." 
"Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ." 

The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, "Mrs. O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property".. 

"Property?”, his wife replies. “The git had a window cleaning round." 

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An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite pan fried drop scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.  Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom with even greater effort.  Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.  With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven?  Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon.

 

 

She said................  " ****  off"  ... they're for your funeral."

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"A friend was recently invited for a game of golf at an upmarket club

in the north of England.

He was told that previously a member had three-putted the 18th and

launched into a string of expletives.

Some lady members on the veranda overlooking the last green were

not impressed and duly wrote a letter of complaint to the committee.

Having considered the matter, the committee announced their decision –

henceforth no lady members to be allowed on the veranda."

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A guy took his wife to the disco for their 25th anniversary. There was a guy on the dance floor giving it laldy, break dancing, moon walking and lots of back flips.

The wife says "See that guy there, he proposed to me just before you did, obviously I turned him down".

Husband says "looks like he's still celebrating".

 

My wife wanted me to put my referees kit on and have sex with her. She screamed and moaned to the biggest climax I have ever known her have in 20 years... So I gave her a yellow card for simulation

 

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