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IMMORTAL HOWDEN ENDER

FESTIVE FIVES - IT HAS GOT TO BE DONE !!

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Charlie Bannerman introduces the waiting millions to Chorley FM Radio - "I am confident that this event will become as big a fairy tales as "Against All Odds" - Dougal nods and claps. "And congratulation to you Jurgen." - Jurgen nods and smiles.

Dougal adds "That front three remind me of Penman, Urquhart and Neild". - Jurgen looks bemused.

Dougal continues "Are the rumours of a potential Liverpool and Everton merger correct ?" - Jurgen looks bemused.

Jurgen suggests that the draw commences as he wants to begin celebrating the victory in honour of the famous composer born in Salzburg. "Do you mean that you are getting Brahms and Liszt" asks Dougal. Jurgen pulls out the first ball.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

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GRANVILLE, TOICH AND WILLIAM BELL PRODUCTIONS PROUDLY PRESENT

FROM THE CULLICUDDEN COLLISEUM

 

                        COLLISEUM.jpg

 

THE CALEY THISTLE ONLINE FESTIVE FIVES 2019

 

LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE V DRONERS

WYNESS SHUFFLE V TRAVEL CLUB HOTSPURS

MODERATOR MASSIVE V PIE AND BOVRIL

THE YOUNG ONES V HAPPY CLAPPERS

CHORLEY FM.jpg

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I am afraid I must report to the physio with a sprained pancreas. Hoping to be fit on time. Apparently it is as a result of staying up late too often indulging in my hobby of making decorative macrame walruses entirely out of the cranial nerve ends of Dutch surrealist painters. I am in therapy for this and my counsellor reckons i should last the tournament. Tell everyone I will supply the half time oranges......its the least I can do

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On 12/8/2019 at 9:04 AM, IMMORTAL HOWDEN ENDER said:

It wouldn't be CTO without the forever faithful ?!!

 

happy clappers.jpg

Fame at last. Thanks IHE but which one is me??

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On 12/11/2019 at 7:28 PM, Huisdean said:

Fame at last. Thanks IHE but which one is me??

And as I’m also now a Minion apparently, which one am I?!

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48 minutes ago, Scarlet Pimple said:

O.K. IHE --back to hibernation then?:tongue:

I hope it's not age discrimination Scarlet :slapme:

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13 hours ago, Scarlet Pimple said:

O.K. IHE --back to hibernation then?:tongue:

Sorry but I have been out on the lash with Boris.

12 hours ago, Robert said:

And as I’m also now a Minion apparently, which one am I?!

The one who looks like he only wants to see his team do well.

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9 hours ago, IMMORTAL HOWDEN ENDER said:

 

The one who looks like he only wants to see his team do well.

Very true!!

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IHE  . It's just  a case of …"from wit to wisdom"....eh?       I hope you mean that the coverage of my advice(s) is....just that.

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GRANVILLE, TOICH AND WILLIAM BELL PRODUCTIONS PROUDLY PRESENT

FROM THE CULLICUDDEN COLLISEUM

THE CTO FESTIVE FIVES 2019 (THE DOUGAL APPRECIATION CUP)

 

LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE V DRONERS

 

festive 1.jpgfestive 2.jpg

 

 

And it is time to kick off the Festive Fives and hopefully provide more entertainment than was on offer in the dreich depths of Maryhill at the weekend. Teams have been asked to turn up in appropriate transport this year. The Winos have arrived in a Vintage Austin driven by the equally ancient IBM. Caley Mad in Berks would have preferred Easy Jet but they don’t do bargain flights any more. The Droners arrive in the Coovan driven by the svelte Caley D. Scarlet Pimple is in the Coovan but he would have preferred to be in his first car – which can be seen in any episode of the Flinstones. Stirling Observer blows the whistle and the competition begins. The 20,000 strong crowd go ballistic.

Polo Chick makes the first impression as he/she (??) drives into the Winos box but sclaffs her final touch. Robbo pens her in to play up front with White against Dungdee. The winos appear content to sit back and soak up the pressure. Or is it a case that most of them struggle walking far less running. (apart from Old Caley Girl of course – xx). But it is not long before the opening goal is scored. Caley Canary goes down the wing like a flying Pukki and his cross is nodded in by FRAZ who celebrates with the watching wife and wee girls and dreams of the whisky and beer celebration later. But in true Morelos style he is awarded a yellow card by MoogThurso. But just on the half-time whistle the original Summer Winers combine and it is a joy to watch the Mantis and NAELIFTS combination grace the competition again. So at the break the teams go in level. Lizi gets her buns out as she regularly does on the Supporter bus.

Caley Tennis introduces himself to the crowd at half-time but fortunately 19,999 have headed to the Hastie Pastie Shack. Caley Hedgehog parades her Xmas goodies in the aisles and we are back into action for the second 15 minutes.

And it isn’t long before the first controversial VER (Viewing Erseholes Ruling) incident occurs. Hawkeye the Gnu and Wyness101 play two delightful 1-2’s and the cross is headed home by Caley D. HOWEVER Caley Tennis calls for VER and many may feel that it is a payback situation. BUT Caley100 and Snorbencaleyman declare that Caley D’s shirt was 1cm offside. Perhaps he should not have worn his old XXXXXL top ? It is also noted that Mantis and Naelifts have both planted a note in the pocket of Ymip. And just as it looks like we are going to penalties the game is won. Scarlet Pimple is robbed of possession by Old Caley Girl. She probably feels guilty as she could be a carer to the old moose. But she surges into the box, trips over her Nora Batty stockings but there is IBM racing in like a feckin Ferrari to blast the ball into the back of the hairnet, also dropped by Old Caley Girl. Polo Chick and Wyness101 protest as they usually do at the end of a game, VER team do not respond, dougiedanger and downinthedumps break into a Showaddywaddy favourite and Stirling Observer blows the final whistle. Lizi gets her buns out again. What a feckin start.

 

FT - LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE 2 DRONERS 1

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GRANVILLE, TOICH AND WILLIAM BELL PRODUCTIONS PROUDLY PRESENT

FROM THE CULLICUDDEN COLLISEUM

THE CTO FESTIVE FIVES 2019 (THE DOUGAL APPRECIATION CUP)

 

WYNESS SHUFFLE V TRAVEL CLUB HOTSPURS

festive 3.jpgfestive 4.jpg

 

Well the transport theme has taken on a new angle. Wyness Shuffle have been carrying out a pre-tournament podcast in the Culbokie Inn and have arrived in a tractor 2 minutes before the kick off. Nothing feckin new there then. But the Travel Club bring back the memories and turn up in a bedecked Double Decker. Not sure as to who is “Brains” and who is “Doughnut”.

And it is on to the game and this is definitely a clash of styles. The staggering and noisy enthusiasm of youth (apart from Red Card) and the debonair, sedate and mature travelers. And the noise in the stadium goes up a notch as the opening goal comes in the very first minute. CaleyStan is still campaigning and trying to enlist new voters from the crowd as Moray Jaggie arrives like the Flying Scotsman and crosses the ball in for HEARACH to outjump Little Miss Moffat and the net bulges. As expected the Shuffle turn to the VER team but are summarily ignored. Tempers fray after that. The usually composed Mary Hill clashes with the tempestuous Lady Kath and they have to be separated by MoogThurso. Striling Observer show yellows to both participants. But it is not long for the equalizer to come. RedCard is on a high and aided by a Mike Ashley umbrella flies down the wing like a modern day Mary Poppins and his delightful though ball is met by RIG who cooly slots home. This continues to be a feisty affair. Weekend Hacker demonstrates the origin of his pseudonym as he hacks down Little Miss Moffat who retaliates and two further yellow cards are shown. Izzy takes both teams aside and rollocks them and suggests that any further bad behavior will lead to an ejection and a ban.

This has clearly fired up the transport crew. johnh makes his first contribution to the game with a Ronaldoesque run and fires in a 30 yarder past a laboring CaleyStan. Mary Hill shows his frustration and CaleyStan has 100 lines to complete during the half time break as the Hotspurs retire 2-1 up.

Half time entertainment is provided by two original shufflers – Tony Blackburn and Alan Freeman. The younger version decide that the opening track on the next podcast will be “You aint seen nothing yet”. Lets face it this could be Red Card (plus wig) and RIG in a few years time.

festive 5.jpg

The second half begins and HislopsOffside again looks shattered. But so do to the aging bus crew who now look more like a late night service to Hilton. But the Shuffle appear to have regrouped and have spent half-time quaffing in the bar and a tactical team talk from that famous manager – Moff !!

Lady Fraser looks the worse for wear and admits that she has missed Lizi’s buns at half time. Hearach is still thinking about his goal as he is dispossessed by Mary Hill. He shimmers daintly down the wing and chips delightfully over the advancing Izzy and the final touch is applied by LITTLE MISS MOFFAT who gesticulates to the massed Cullicudden Cowshed.

So it is all to play for and the Shufflers are putting on all the pressure and it looks like there is no return ticket for the Hotspurs. But have we talked too soon. In the dying moments MorayJaggie runs like an express out of his goalmouth and his hoof finds johnh clear in a deserted opposition half. His glorious chip hits the underside of the crossbar and appears to have bounced just over the goal line. Everything and everybody stops. It is like watching in slow motion. And then CALEY STAN takes a swipe at the ball as if it was Boris Johnson’s napper and the ball flies all the way down the pitch and into an empty Travel Club net. Now everything and everybody is focused on the VER team. And one can’t help at thinking that there is some funny family business goes on as Caley 100 shouts “It was never over the line ya fanny”. His compatriots agree and the goal is awarded and the final whistle is blown. Izzy and Lady Kath are red carded for bad language. The Wyness Shuffle invite CaleyTennis to be the celebrity on their next podcast. Hislopsoffsideagain has collapsed. And this is merely the end of Day One.

FT - WYNESS SHUFFLE 3 TRAVEL CLUB HOTSPURS 2

 

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GRANVILLE, TOICH AND WILLIAM BELL PRODUCTIONS PROUDLY PRESENT

FROM THE CULLICUDDEN COLLISEUM

THE CTO FESTIVE FIVES 2019 (THE DOUGAL APPRECIATION CUP)

MODERATOR MASSIVE V PIE AND BOVRIL

                                                                                 sheriff.jpg Pie and Bovril.jpg

 

And it is a very warm Black Isle welcome back to the Cullicudden Colliseum and the two remaining Quarter Final clashes to acquire the much sought after Dougal Appreciation Cup. Hislopsoffsideagain has recovered following emergency counselling. Caley Hedgehog has sold out of Dougal memorabilia and Lizi’s buns. Scarlet Pimple, IBM, Snorbenscaleyman and Caley mad in Berks have spent the night under the stars and have gone through every thread in Olde Inverness.

But controversy reigns before a ball has been kicked. Highland Capital feels that he cannot spend any time in the vicinity of certain Moderator team members and has announced his withdrawal. He is reminded that a Renegade is “a person who deserts and betrays an organization”. And whoosh it goes in one ear and out of the other. Already a P&B replacement has taken to the field and bdu98196 takes to the fray. The Scarf voices concerns that his team may be facing a 2-0 defeat.

TM4TJ looks angry and exhausted. He has been up all night looking for somebody to write a review and a report. Kingsmills has returned following an enforced absence and no vultures can be seen overhead. And at last the game gets under way. The shellshocked P&B outfit are put to the sword. Scarf’s prediction goes out the window as the Moderators thump in three first half goals. GRINGO heads in the opener and opens the floodgates. DOOFERS DAD a second and YNGWIE manages to slide in a third. He is then chased off the pitch by a hysterical Fife woman (again).

It has been a quiet night for the officials and VER team. It is so nice to see Caley100 bonding with CaleyTennis and he has only referred to him as a fanny on three occasions.

The second half heralds the possibility of a P&B revival. Sophie dribbles her way through and her cutting pass is netted in by SANDY CROMARTY. Sandy is yellow carded for baring his erse to Scotty in a message of sweet revenge. And the comeback is definitely on as bdu98196 delights in providing TARMO KINK with a tap in. Tarmo Kink immediately takes charge of a Best and Worst Goalscorer thread.

But the comeback is halted by good old SCOTTY. He nutmegs Sandy Cromarty, flicks the ball over the head of Sophia and back heels it past a lanquishing Tarmo Kink. A fitting ending to the grudge match of the tournament. The Mods have hammered the rockers again – although Gringo disagrees. A despondent P&B outfit depart and will deride CTO in the safety of their own back yards – but will log in to see what the reaction is !!

MODERATOR MASSIVE 4 PIE AND BOVRIL 2

 

 

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GRANVILLE, TOICH AND WILLIAM BELL PRODUCTIONS PROUDLY PRESENT

FROM THE CULLICUDDEN COLLISEUM

THE CTO FESTIVE FIVES 2019 (THE DOUGAL APPRECIATION CUP)

THE YOUNG ONES V HAPPY CLAPPERS

                                                                                                  hippie bus.png   security.jpg

Now if you thought that the previous encounter was a grudge match then you may prepare yourself for more of the same. Or perhaps, judging by the chosen modes of transport will it be “A Love-In?”. The teams line up with the match officials and the VER Team – a clear advertisement for “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly”. As agreed prior to the match both sides are attired in festive fancy dress. The Clappers are attired in angel costumes and sparkling Xmas Trees. The young ones are attired as naughty elves and demons, led out by Santa IHE. Gregor offers seasonal felicitations and wishes the Young Ones the best. Alan Simpson responds “You are going down, ya feckers”.

And it is the Clappers who are rejoicing first. Huisdean runs down the West Coast and his sublime centre finds roarer who fires it home. A few handshakes ensue, polite pats on the backs and apology to the Young Ones is proferred. Satan’s face turns as red as his outfit. But Satan uses this energy to good use and is running around like a man possessed. His mazy run ends with a neat flick and JACK WADDINGTON equalises (like The Equaliser ?). The Yong Ones and the Young Team support go ballistic. The Clappers applaud politely.

Half time comes along and the teams retire to the sanctuary of their respective dressing rooms. Mulled Wine and mince pies are ushered into the Clappers and the singing of “If you are happy and you know it clap your hands” resound. Across the corridor Buckfast and herbal scones (not made by Lizi) are served and the sound of “Youre going to get yer feckin heads kicks in” resounds.

And there is more pandemonium at the restart. Wynthank15 crosses and caleyboy heads in from close range. BUT the VER team jump into action. The well known semi happy clappers (!!) downinthedumps and dougiedanger take the decision to disallow the goal. Buster throws a fake hand in to the terraces.

Again it looks like a stalemate but again we have a last minute clincher. Robert is dispossessed by Satn (or should it be possessed ?). The ball moves on to IHE and, as prophecied, the pass is converted by BUSTER. More overt the top celebrations ensue. And as the teams troop off – Alan Simpson concludes that it was “too feckin easy”. Robert feels that a draw was the fairer result but he was only too happy that his team had played well. So both teams go home happy. But did they all live happily ever after ?

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GRANVILLE, TOICH AND WILLIAM BELL PRODUCTIONS PROUDLY PRESENT

FROM THE CULLICUDDEN COLLISEUM

THE CTO FESTIVE FIVES 2019 (THE DOUGAL APPRECIATION CUP) – THE SEMI-FINAL DRAW

MASSIVE MODERATORS v LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE

WYNESS SHUFFLE v THE YOUNG ONES

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The Courier carries a late interview with Summer Wine boss B. Athtub " We will be ready to go again. It doesnt matter who we get. If we want to win this damn thing then we have to beat them all. I hate cliches but its the result that counts. I thought we could have played better against the Droners......the coos field of a  pitch didnt help; and some of the decisions!! They are all in there just now; Mantis has a groin problem but this comes as no surprise to any of us. Lizi and Old caley Girl are desperate for a rub down. Tournament joint top scorer Naelifts is looking magnificent and says he has more to give. IBM is off to the bookies...........we're 3/1! Cant go wrong. Its fair to say that our youth policy hasnt paid many dividends of late but you cannae beat experience and we have that in buckets. We are worried about the VER team because Lizi always likes to be on someones shoulder and IBM goes down easily . We may shuffle things about and play Mantis at the back..............hes not got much up top, and despite what folk say.........hes no predator. Naelifts is already shaping to be man of the tourney so , yes.........we are confident"

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The Scottish Sun have had information from a reliable source that the Mods player, TM4tJ is training his dug to do a jobbie on the pitch prior to the semi final with Last of the Summer Wine. The Mods strenuously deny these reports stating that the allegation has come about through a misunderstanding when TM4TJ was heard shouting Shit,Shit,Shit whilst watching ICT recently. A club spokesman said TM4JB always picks up his dugs poo, puts it a bag and gift wraps it before sending it to Dingwall. The paper also reports that Gringo and Doofers Dad may be too interested in the NPL and may lose concentration during the match. Again these allegations has been denied. Meanwhile, concerns have been raised in the Last of the Summer Wine camp over glamour boy Naelifts seeking the affections of the two ladies in team. They’re hoping he will be able to concentrate on the game instead of posing.  

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