IMMORTAL HOWDEN ENDER

Scottish Cup Away Days were always my favourites. Apart from going ballistic I would place equal - beating the Jam Tarts 3-1 at Tynie and the Barry Wilson winner when beating Motherwell 1-0. The latter was one of the best away supports ever. Always enjoyed the more diverse away days and the trip to Stranraer was a great laff. And from a performance level beating Gretna 5-0 was superb. But as above NOTHING could surpass that glorious day (and night) in Ayr.

But is he Naelifts in disguise ?

Good mate but lost touch - RIP

There are no spondoolicks and no feckin chance of any transfer business this window.

It was a clinical drug trial that I was a wiling participant in. However it was also a "behavioural" trial. I can assure all that it was conducted only after it had received health authority/ethics committee approval - (Public Health England). Public Health England (PHE) Behavioural Insights (PHEBI) is a team of behavioural scientists, including experts in behavioural economics, health psychology and evaluation, who work across PHE with local authorities and other relevant stakeholders to advise on policy and practice and apply and evaluate the evidence of behavioural science in public health. Work by PHEBI focuses on: applying behavioural science frameworks and evidence to policy and practice conducting research and evaluation projects building the behavioural science capability of the public health system No money was exchanged for the work carried out on this trial but, of course, there was expenditure put aside for sundry items such as beverages. ?

AND THE MORAL OF THIS CHRISTMAS FAIRY TALE IS – WE ARE ALL FROM DIFFERENT BACKGROUNDS – WE ALL HAVE DIFFERENT PERSONALITIES – WE ALL HAVE OUR DIFFERENT VIEWS – WE ALL HAVE A RIGHT TO AGREE OR DISAGREE BUT IT SHOULD BE DONE IN “THE BEST POSSIBLE TASTE” – BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY – WE ARE ALL INVERNESS CALEDONIAN THISTLE SUPPORTERS – TILL WE FECKIN DIE – AND WE SHOULD ALL RESPECT EACH OTHER FOR PURELY BEING THAT.

GRANVILLE, TOICH AND WILLIAM BELL PRODUCTIONS PROUDLY PRESENT FROM THE CULLICUDDEN COLLISEUM THE CTO FESTIVE FIVES 2019 (THE DOUGAL APPRECIATION CUP) THE GRAND FINAL LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE v THE YOUNG ONES Both teams are wearing special tops for the final – Last of the Summer Wine are sponsored by Tulloch Homes and the Young Ones by the Orion Group. A special request has been made by GTWB Productions and the “Young Ones” have kindly conceded to allow both teams to play their full squads from the onset. This means that Last of the Summer Line will line up as: IBM, Caley Mad in Berks, Old Caley Girl, Lizi, Mantis and Naelifts. The Young Ones will line up as: IHE, Buster, Jack Waddington, Satan and Alan Simpson. As they do in Love Island it is rumoured that a special guest is flying in to play for the Young Ones in the first half. The good news is that both Naelifts and Alan Simpson have both passed their soft bustard tests. Another Wyness Shuffle Podcast earlier today revealed that all the Young Ones have aspirations to follow in the footsteps of their “Winers” opponents. Buster wants to be a Paramedic musician like Naelifts; Jack Waddington wants to be a teacher like Mantis; Satan wants to be a District Nurse like OCG; Alan Simpson wants to be as positive as Lizi and learn how to bake buns instead of puns; IHE wants to be an Old Git like IBM and CMIB. And what pre-final entertainment we have enjoyed. TM4TJ has brought along his band – ZZ Top – and the Black Isle is booming to “Gimme all your Lovin”. And the stadium has erupted as David Raven and the 2015 squad have performed “We are the Champions”. And would you believe it – the kick off has been delayed – there is a female streaker on the pitch. We are informed that it is a Forum “lurker” called Rosemary Webb. She seems to have the word PORT scrawled on her buttocks. No hang on – she has turned round fully and it now appears to read PORTMAHOMACK. And Stirling Observer blows the whistle and the final commences. It is 100 mph from the start which is probably twice as fast as IBM has ever driven. This is beginning to look as if it will be a midfield battle. We have the Satan/Waddington combination and the Mantis/Old Caley Girl combination trying to feed their respective dangermen – Simpson and Naelifts. And it is Last of the Summer Wine who take initial control. OCG and Mantis combine to put Naelifts in on goal but he is thwarted by an agile and effervescent IHE. And the controversy reigns again as Lizi clashes with Alan Simpson. There has been bad blood between these two for some time. This time Lizi escapes the award of a red dot but gets a yellow instead. But after a VER check Alan is also given a yellow for intimidation. And the first goal of the final comes along. Mantis fires in a corner and the ball is headed into the net. The identity of the scorer in the melee is unclear. VER shows that it is a napper with receding grey hair. Well that doesn’t feckin narrow it down much. But there is only one true Grecian on the pitch and the goal is awarded to CALEY MAD IN BERKS. David Sutherland gesticulates to Alan Savage. Alas just on the whistle IHE has collapsed and is stretchered off. HALF TIME – LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE 1 THE YOUNG ONES 0 There is a hive of activity during the break. RIG is advertising and heralding “half season tickets”. Robbo is pleading for buyers and Caley Tennis advises him to be positive. And the stadium erupts as the dancing girls explode on to the pitch. OMG it’s the infamous “Keg Kickers”. Well the whole stadium needs to cool down after that performance. The best I have witnessed since the “Rolly Pollies”. Julie Wilson takes a selfie with all 20,000 fans – individually. Deep breaths and back to the final. IHE sprints out. Naelifts has inserted an IV line and mixed the saline drip with Smirnoff and “Hey Presto” or “Vindecat” as they say in Bucharest. And as the teams enter the pitch the Young Ones have an extra player. WTF – How does Donview qualify as a Young One ? Aah it is becos he is yet another role model – OK. The second half begins as the last words of “One Step Beyond” fades away. But from the kick off Buster goes beserk. He picks up the ball, goes on an amazing solo run and smacks a 30 yard bender into the back of the net. So if you come off the street, and you are beginning to feel the heat, well listen Buster, you’d better start to use your feet”and BUSTER did. Unfortunately it appears that the tiring “Winers” have decided to park the “bathtub” and soak up the pressure. And it appears to be working as the clock runs down to the final minute. BUT there is an old adage. And yet again the prophecy comes true. IHE collapses again and the final whistle goes. Penalties to decide? No that is not going to happen. WTF. Both teams have gone into a group huddle in the centre circle. Lizi has passed around some buns. And they emerge to announce that they have decided to share the trophy. The crowd stand up to a person and applaud the decision. So the Dougal Appreciation Cup will be kept by both teams for six months each. But the valuable “trophy” is dropped and breaks in half. The Last of the Summer Wine agree to take the rear remains as their memories are of Dougal talking out of that end anyway. FULL TIME – LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE 1 THE YOUNG ONES 1

GRANVILLE, TOICH AND WILLIAM BELL PRODUCTIONS PROUDLY PRESENT FROM THE CULLICUDDEN COLLISEUM THE CTO FESTIVE FIVES 2019 (THE DOUGAL APPRECIATION CUP) THE GRAND FINAL LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE v THE YOUNG ONES BE THERE OR BE SQUARE ??

GRANVILLE, TOICH AND WILLIAM BELL PRODUCTIONS PROUDLY PRESENT FROM THE CULLICUDDEN COLLISEUM THE CTO FESTIVE FIVES 2019 (THE DOUGAL APPRECIATION CUP) SEMI FINAL STAGE WYNESS SHUFFLE v THE YOUNG ONES Wyness Shuffle meet IHE for a pre-match podcast whilst the Young Ones have been challenging Mary Hill on Celebrity Eggheads Well the first semi-final appears to have had an effect on the second match – which has also been delayed. Wyness Shuffle have organized another Podcast Special in the Culbokie Inn. They have invited IHE who has felt obliged due to the promise of a double voddie. The Shuffle and IHE are in fine form as you can see. Caley Stan is in the nearby playground with his kids. The sooner that Boris sorts out Child Care the better. Meanwhile Alan Simpson is doing some late night shopping at the Jemimaville Designer Village. Buster is reviewing the management and service at the Resolis Rangers Supporters Club. Satan and Jack Waddington are patiently twiddling their thumbs in the dressing room. And it finally kicks off, 30 minutes late. All the players and fans appear to be full of Christmas sprits. It feels just like an Away Day. And it is the Shuffle who draw first blood. IHE appears to stumble and MARY HILL nips in, as quick as an Eggheads buzzer, and opens the scoring. One also suspects that IHE’s Irn Bru may have been laced !! In the sober light of day Satan and Jack Waddington are having a field day and are running the show like aspiring Carsons and Triffids. All the other players appear to be having difficulty maintaining their footing and balance – and there is no sign of any lingering dog ****. And that Satan/Waddington combination change the course of the tie, Stan shoots from distance. The shot appears to be going slightly wide but it hits ALAN SIMPSON on the side of his head and is deflected into the net. Alan looks groggy but carries on. Next is the Jack Waddington show. His attempted chip is parried by the keeper but the rebound hits ALAN SIMPSON full in the face and into the back of the net. Alan is down and the Paramedics rush to his aid. They find it difficult to deduce whether he is suffering from concussion or delirium or it is just his usual presentation. The whistle blows for the break and the hero stumbles off. The second half has barely started and we face another injury concern. Red Card has gone down and he looks as if he is in agony. But closer scrutiny reveals that he is hopping mad. It appears that a streak of dog **** has attached itself to his brand new, shiny, multi coloured Nike Airs. He is inconsolable and he seeks the asylum of the dressing room. The Shuffle have been reduced to four players but then again IHE is asleep on the sidelines. And suddenly Buster comes to life. It would appear that his Supporters Club Review has been heeded and he has a new lease of life. He outpaces RIG and unleashes a cannonball. But the effort strikes the crossbar but ricochets into the net off the back of ALAN SIMPSON’s head. The final whistle blows and brings an end to one of the most eventful days ever in the Festive Fives. Alan Simpson is the unlikely hat-trick hero and the tournaments’ leading scorer. Punters are likening him to Jordan White which does not go down too well. “Pair of fannies” announces Caley100. WYNESS SHUFFLE 1 THE YOUNG ONES 3

Caley Mad in Berks has just ended his post match interview.

When will the controversy end ? We have exclusive pictures of members of both the second semi-final teams CELEBRATING the Winers 1-0 victory.

Kingmills & Co - Even further controversy ?

GRANVILLE, TOICH AND WILLIAM BELL PRODUCTIONS PROUDLY PRESENT FROM THE CULLICUDDEN COLLISEUM THE CTO FESTIVE FIVES 2019 (THE DOUGAL APPRECIATION CUP) SEMI FINAL STAGE MASSIVE MODERATORS v LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE Team photos taken pre-match. Lizi is in the kitchen cooking her buns This fixture was initially thought to be a friendly encounter and the lesser of the two semi-final ties. The kick-off has been brought forward due to the media attention and 20,000 fake tickets heading to the streets of Inversneckie. Media hype, rumours and counter rumours have brought this world-wide attention. Highland Capital has even started a thread on Pie and Bovril. Paul Chalk has utilized the back two pages of the Highland News whilst he has also invited Gringo and Naelifts to star in his Friday night radio programme. Charlie Bannerman is planning to write a new fairy tale. Tommy Cummings is outraged that a reference has been made comparing the playing surface to a “coos field”. Mantis sprints on to the pitch, attired in a festive mankini. It appears that this may be a statement to counter rumours about his long term groin “problems”. He certainly looks resplendid and is attracting the attention of team-mates Lizi and Old Caley Girl. However Naelifts does not look happy. Is he a Ronaldo in the making ? Remember the old adage – “There is NO I in team”. IBM looks relaxed but he is still in the car park checking out the models and registration numbers. Caley Mad in Berks has slept through most of it and may not have his views known until after the game. Meanwhlie the Moderators massive capitano (Scotty) is enraged that Gringo reads the Scottish Sun, far less advertises the rag. The Cowshed End unravels a banner – “**** Off Gringo – Tory Voter”. Has the ex train driver resorted to dredging the depths ? The game has been further delayed by even more controversy. The "Winers" are furious that the Moderators have listed TM4TJ as TM4TJobbie on their team list. In retaliation Lizi has cancelled their half-time bun order. Even Dougal has offered an opinion. He points out that such a fracas would never have occurred pre-merger and points out that the majority of the transgressors are non-Invernessian. Downinthe dumps and dougiedanger nod in agreement. The game finally kicks off. Unfortunately all the pre-match hype appears to have affected both teams. A drab goal less first half brings an Arsenal type response from the expectant crowd. Gringo looks comfortable and is probably used to a Coventry0 type score board. BUT things are changing in the second half. It has become a bloodbath. It is too much to bear for some of the officials. MoogThurso and Caley Tennis have retired to the relative comfort of Caithness. It has become impossible to keep a check on the yellow card awards. This game is heading to a 0-0 and penalties. Wait a minute. Naelifts breaks away and finds himself in a 1-1 situation with the usually reliable custodian (Yngwie). Naelift swivels his dodgy hips and neatly rounds the flailing keeper and it is going to be a tap in. BUT he appears to have slipped and lost his footing. The camera clearly shows that his boot is covered in ………………… dog **** !!! Naelifts is carried off on a Paramedic stretcher. Lizi and Old Caley Girl attempt to apply First Aid but are again distracted by Mantis’ mankini. WHAT – Stirling Observer has pointed to the penalty spot. Caley 100 agrees so that must mean that Stirling Observer is not a fanny. A late Doofers Dad tackle has been noted. There has been contact with Naelifts and there is a clear streak of dogshit on his socks of DoofersDad. The VER camera is run back and it clearly shows TM4TJ dropping "items" in the box. We have a penalty and the clock has run out. CALEY MAD IN BERKS steps up and sends the goalkeeper the wrong way. There may be questions about the keeper as Yngwie threw himself well before the kick was taken and has, of course, previously shared a bath tub with some of the Winers. He also has a few buns in his pockets !! Gringo and Doofers Dad are awarded red cards. They have clashed on leaving the field. Gringo has noted that Doofers Dad predicted a 1-0 Winers win and a goal to be scored by Caley Mad in Berks. MASSIVE MODERATORS 0 LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE 1 Have we heard the last of Poogate ? Will the moderation of CTO be affected ? Will Kingsmills come back ? Will Naelifts be fit for the final ? How can the second semi-final live up to this ? HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP. ?

GRANVILLE, TOICH AND WILLIAM BELL PRODUCTIONS PROUDLY PRESENT FROM THE CULLICUDDEN COLLISEUM THE CTO FESTIVE FIVES 2019 (THE DOUGAL APPRECIATION CUP) – THE SEMI-FINAL DRAW MASSIVE MODERATORS v LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE WYNESS SHUFFLE v THE YOUNG ONES

GRANVILLE, TOICH AND WILLIAM BELL PRODUCTIONS PROUDLY PRESENT FROM THE CULLICUDDEN COLLISEUM THE CTO FESTIVE FIVES 2019 (THE DOUGAL APPRECIATION CUP) THE YOUNG ONES V HAPPY CLAPPERS Now if you thought that the previous encounter was a grudge match then you may prepare yourself for more of the same. Or perhaps, judging by the chosen modes of transport will it be “A Love-In?”. The teams line up with the match officials and the VER Team – a clear advertisement for “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly”. As agreed prior to the match both sides are attired in festive fancy dress. The Clappers are attired in angel costumes and sparkling Xmas Trees. The young ones are attired as naughty elves and demons, led out by Santa IHE. Gregor offers seasonal felicitations and wishes the Young Ones the best. Alan Simpson responds “You are going down, ya feckers”. And it is the Clappers who are rejoicing first. Huisdean runs down the West Coast and his sublime centre finds roarer who fires it home. A few handshakes ensue, polite pats on the backs and apology to the Young Ones is proferred. Satan’s face turns as red as his outfit. But Satan uses this energy to good use and is running around like a man possessed. His mazy run ends with a neat flick and JACK WADDINGTON equalises (like The Equaliser ?). The Yong Ones and the Young Team support go ballistic. The Clappers applaud politely. Half time comes along and the teams retire to the sanctuary of their respective dressing rooms. Mulled Wine and mince pies are ushered into the Clappers and the singing of “If you are happy and you know it clap your hands” resound. Across the corridor Buckfast and herbal scones (not made by Lizi) are served and the sound of “Youre going to get yer feckin heads kicks in” resounds. And there is more pandemonium at the restart. Wynthank15 crosses and caleyboy heads in from close range. BUT the VER team jump into action. The well known semi happy clappers (!!) downinthedumps and dougiedanger take the decision to disallow the goal. Buster throws a fake hand in to the terraces. Again it looks like a stalemate but again we have a last minute clincher. Robert is dispossessed by Satn (or should it be possessed ?). The ball moves on to IHE and, as prophecied, the pass is converted by BUSTER. More overt the top celebrations ensue. And as the teams troop off – Alan Simpson concludes that it was “too feckin easy”. Robert feels that a draw was the fairer result but he was only too happy that his team had played well. So both teams go home happy. But did they all live happily ever after ?

GRANVILLE, TOICH AND WILLIAM BELL PRODUCTIONS PROUDLY PRESENT FROM THE CULLICUDDEN COLLISEUM THE CTO FESTIVE FIVES 2019 (THE DOUGAL APPRECIATION CUP) MODERATOR MASSIVE V PIE AND BOVRIL And it is a very warm Black Isle welcome back to the Cullicudden Colliseum and the two remaining Quarter Final clashes to acquire the much sought after Dougal Appreciation Cup. Hislopsoffsideagain has recovered following emergency counselling. Caley Hedgehog has sold out of Dougal memorabilia and Lizi’s buns. Scarlet Pimple, IBM, Snorbenscaleyman and Caley mad in Berks have spent the night under the stars and have gone through every thread in Olde Inverness. But controversy reigns before a ball has been kicked. Highland Capital feels that he cannot spend any time in the vicinity of certain Moderator team members and has announced his withdrawal. He is reminded that a Renegade is “a person who deserts and betrays an organization”. And whoosh it goes in one ear and out of the other. Already a P&B replacement has taken to the field and bdu98196 takes to the fray. The Scarf voices concerns that his team may be facing a 2-0 defeat. TM4TJ looks angry and exhausted. He has been up all night looking for somebody to write a review and a report. Kingsmills has returned following an enforced absence and no vultures can be seen overhead. And at last the game gets under way. The shellshocked P&B outfit are put to the sword. Scarf’s prediction goes out the window as the Moderators thump in three first half goals. GRINGO heads in the opener and opens the floodgates. DOOFERS DAD a second and YNGWIE manages to slide in a third. He is then chased off the pitch by a hysterical Fife woman (again). It has been a quiet night for the officials and VER team. It is so nice to see Caley100 bonding with CaleyTennis and he has only referred to him as a fanny on three occasions. The second half heralds the possibility of a P&B revival. Sophie dribbles her way through and her cutting pass is netted in by SANDY CROMARTY. Sandy is yellow carded for baring his erse to Scotty in a message of sweet revenge. And the comeback is definitely on as bdu98196 delights in providing TARMO KINK with a tap in. Tarmo Kink immediately takes charge of a Best and Worst Goalscorer thread. But the comeback is halted by good old SCOTTY. He nutmegs Sandy Cromarty, flicks the ball over the head of Sophia and back heels it past a lanquishing Tarmo Kink. A fitting ending to the grudge match of the tournament. The Mods have hammered the rockers again – although Gringo disagrees. A despondent P&B outfit depart and will deride CTO in the safety of their own back yards – but will log in to see what the reaction is !! MODERATOR MASSIVE 4 PIE AND BOVRIL 2

It may well have been a stutter. McCall outthought us and Robbo did not play to the conditions. Have we learnt from it ? As for not having a strong squad and constant bemoaning of certain individuals why don't we play McGregor, Harper and Todorov. We also have to decide how to get the best out of Keatings. As I said earlier he cant be a playmaker and a number 10.

GRANVILLE, TOICH AND WILLIAM BELL PRODUCTIONS PROUDLY PRESENT FROM THE CULLICUDDEN COLLISEUM THE CTO FESTIVE FIVES 2019 (THE DOUGAL APPRECIATION CUP) WYNESS SHUFFLE V TRAVEL CLUB HOTSPURS Well the transport theme has taken on a new angle. Wyness Shuffle have been carrying out a pre-tournament podcast in the Culbokie Inn and have arrived in a tractor 2 minutes before the kick off. Nothing feckin new there then. But the Travel Club bring back the memories and turn up in a bedecked Double Decker. Not sure as to who is “Brains” and who is “Doughnut”. And it is on to the game and this is definitely a clash of styles. The staggering and noisy enthusiasm of youth (apart from Red Card) and the debonair, sedate and mature travelers. And the noise in the stadium goes up a notch as the opening goal comes in the very first minute. CaleyStan is still campaigning and trying to enlist new voters from the crowd as Moray Jaggie arrives like the Flying Scotsman and crosses the ball in for HEARACH to outjump Little Miss Moffat and the net bulges. As expected the Shuffle turn to the VER team but are summarily ignored. Tempers fray after that. The usually composed Mary Hill clashes with the tempestuous Lady Kath and they have to be separated by MoogThurso. Striling Observer show yellows to both participants. But it is not long for the equalizer to come. RedCard is on a high and aided by a Mike Ashley umbrella flies down the wing like a modern day Mary Poppins and his delightful though ball is met by RIG who cooly slots home. This continues to be a feisty affair. Weekend Hacker demonstrates the origin of his pseudonym as he hacks down Little Miss Moffat who retaliates and two further yellow cards are shown. Izzy takes both teams aside and rollocks them and suggests that any further bad behavior will lead to an ejection and a ban. This has clearly fired up the transport crew. johnh makes his first contribution to the game with a Ronaldoesque run and fires in a 30 yarder past a laboring CaleyStan. Mary Hill shows his frustration and CaleyStan has 100 lines to complete during the half time break as the Hotspurs retire 2-1 up. Half time entertainment is provided by two original shufflers – Tony Blackburn and Alan Freeman. The younger version decide that the opening track on the next podcast will be “You aint seen nothing yet”. Lets face it this could be Red Card (plus wig) and RIG in a few years time. The second half begins and HislopsOffside again looks shattered. But so do to the aging bus crew who now look more like a late night service to Hilton. But the Shuffle appear to have regrouped and have spent half-time quaffing in the bar and a tactical team talk from that famous manager – Moff !! Lady Fraser looks the worse for wear and admits that she has missed Lizi’s buns at half time. Hearach is still thinking about his goal as he is dispossessed by Mary Hill. He shimmers daintly down the wing and chips delightfully over the advancing Izzy and the final touch is applied by LITTLE MISS MOFFAT who gesticulates to the massed Cullicudden Cowshed. So it is all to play for and the Shufflers are putting on all the pressure and it looks like there is no return ticket for the Hotspurs. But have we talked too soon. In the dying moments MorayJaggie runs like an express out of his goalmouth and his hoof finds johnh clear in a deserted opposition half. His glorious chip hits the underside of the crossbar and appears to have bounced just over the goal line. Everything and everybody stops. It is like watching in slow motion. And then CALEY STAN takes a swipe at the ball as if it was Boris Johnson’s napper and the ball flies all the way down the pitch and into an empty Travel Club net. Now everything and everybody is focused on the VER team. And one can’t help at thinking that there is some funny family business goes on as Caley 100 shouts “It was never over the line ya fanny”. His compatriots agree and the goal is awarded and the final whistle is blown. Izzy and Lady Kath are red carded for bad language. The Wyness Shuffle invite CaleyTennis to be the celebrity on their next podcast. Hislopsoffsideagain has collapsed. And this is merely the end of Day One. FT - WYNESS SHUFFLE 3 TRAVEL CLUB HOTSPURS 2

GRANVILLE, TOICH AND WILLIAM BELL PRODUCTIONS PROUDLY PRESENT FROM THE CULLICUDDEN COLLISEUM THE CTO FESTIVE FIVES 2019 (THE DOUGAL APPRECIATION CUP) LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE V DRONERS And it is time to kick off the Festive Fives and hopefully provide more entertainment than was on offer in the dreich depths of Maryhill at the weekend. Teams have been asked to turn up in appropriate transport this year. The Winos have arrived in a Vintage Austin driven by the equally ancient IBM. Caley Mad in Berks would have preferred Easy Jet but they don’t do bargain flights any more. The Droners arrive in the Coovan driven by the svelte Caley D. Scarlet Pimple is in the Coovan but he would have preferred to be in his first car – which can be seen in any episode of the Flinstones. Stirling Observer blows the whistle and the competition begins. The 20,000 strong crowd go ballistic. Polo Chick makes the first impression as he/she (??) drives into the Winos box but sclaffs her final touch. Robbo pens her in to play up front with White against Dungdee. The winos appear content to sit back and soak up the pressure. Or is it a case that most of them struggle walking far less running. (apart from Old Caley Girl of course – xx). But it is not long before the opening goal is scored. Caley Canary goes down the wing like a flying Pukki and his cross is nodded in by FRAZ who celebrates with the watching wife and wee girls and dreams of the whisky and beer celebration later. But in true Morelos style he is awarded a yellow card by MoogThurso. But just on the half-time whistle the original Summer Winers combine and it is a joy to watch the Mantis and NAELIFTS combination grace the competition again. So at the break the teams go in level. Lizi gets her buns out as she regularly does on the Supporter bus. Caley Tennis introduces himself to the crowd at half-time but fortunately 19,999 have headed to the Hastie Pastie Shack. Caley Hedgehog parades her Xmas goodies in the aisles and we are back into action for the second 15 minutes. And it isn’t long before the first controversial VER (Viewing Erseholes Ruling) incident occurs. Hawkeye the Gnu and Wyness101 play two delightful 1-2’s and the cross is headed home by Caley D. HOWEVER Caley Tennis calls for VER and many may feel that it is a payback situation. BUT Caley100 and Snorbencaleyman declare that Caley D’s shirt was 1cm offside. Perhaps he should not have worn his old XXXXXL top ? It is also noted that Mantis and Naelifts have both planted a note in the pocket of Ymip. And just as it looks like we are going to penalties the game is won. Scarlet Pimple is robbed of possession by Old Caley Girl. She probably feels guilty as she could be a carer to the old moose. But she surges into the box, trips over her Nora Batty stockings but there is IBM racing in like a feckin Ferrari to blast the ball into the back of the hairnet, also dropped by Old Caley Girl. Polo Chick and Wyness101 protest as they usually do at the end of a game, VER team do not respond, dougiedanger and downinthedumps break into a Showaddywaddy favourite and Stirling Observer blows the final whistle. Lizi gets her buns out again. What a feckin start. FT - LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE 2 DRONERS 1

Hello Stattos. I would love to know if it was recorded how many times Donaldson and McCart passed and percentage of successful passes.

As I think Manny is unavailable I will post the report here: Ok I have slept on it and my “report” will be more considered, less emotive but still very critical. I suspect that after savouring the win and performance at Alloa and the positivity following the Dundee game I may well have underestimated Plastic Whistle and I feel that the team did as well. We have been crying out for a Plan B and that has been recently been delivered and in some style. There may be a load of armchair managers on this forum but there were a few things tactically that Robbo was blinded to yesterday. You can play the tippy tappy football on 4G or well cared for surfaces in cold and frosty conditions. Robbo has introduced that recently but – when you are faced with a boggy pitch, it Is feckin freezing cold, added to by a strong, swirling wind and driving rain (especially in the second half) then the “hoof” is a more sought tactic. McCall sussed us yet again. He played two lines of four playing deep in defence. They only pressed when we were in the final third. They were only too happy to sit back and let us play meaningless passes across the pitch and often played backwards as well. And did we do just that !! And then we did not use the width. When we did go wide we looked more threatening. How many times did Storey run forwards but then stop and play the ball backwards or sideways. Doran simply does not have the stamina and pace in such conditions and defensive set up. But then again we do not have a holding forward or a striker with the “poacher” penalty box instinct. I would also criticize Doran and Storey for not channeling back and that increased the workload on Carson and Trafford. Plastic Whistle had the old head in Kenny Miller (playing in central midfield) and pace up front which made them always dangerous on the counter. BUT we did not revert to the hoof and Robbo stuck by the starting X1 until it was too late. Our following was bellowing for the changes eventually made since the hour mark and then it was too late. We were always “chasing” the game which again wholly suited Partick. Alex Jones, who had been wholly ineffective, popped up early in the second half to put the Whistle ahead. KEATINGS pulled one back and , at that stage, you felt that we would take over. Well we did possession and territory wise but always looked susceptible to the counter. Saunders put those thoughts to bed and Zanatta scored a third with the last kick from an incredible angle. Lets just sum things up as “so disappointing” and three valuable points chucked away. For once I can see the comments made by both managers afterwards. McCall said – “I was really pleased, I thought it was terrific entertainment. "It could have been 5-3 to us but yes a big three points and takes us above Morton. You are only four or five points off fifth place now so we've another big game next week." It was terrific entertainment for the home fans !! Our three would have come from goalmouth scrambles and/or from dead ball situations. Robbo replied - "It was a good game, both teams obviously had chances. I thought we were the better team in the first half, a couple of great saves from Scott Fox, a couple of great chances from set plays. And you need to take those chances." We had at least double the “chances” but they took theirs. We were the better of two bad teams at half time. I would have at least doubled our chances from set plays. And Ridgers kept us in the game in both halves with two sensational saves in both. I am shure that there will be a Happy Clapper stating IF we had gone 2-1 up or IF we had taken one of those second half melee chances. There are no feckin Ifs in football. And as for McLean and the stand side linesman it is more shocking proof of the deterioration in standards this season. Although they gave strange and bad decisions against both sides. I am looking forward to seeing the replay of the alleged White “dive” which did look more like a penalty from our distant viewpoint. Apologies if this Smileymometer is insulting and aggravating but it is a personal perspective and I dare not give points !!. RIDGERS – May have fecked up the third goal but he kept us in the game and is the only player close to being a MOM candidate, far less a MOM ROONEY ? – Wish that he had been playing wide right instead of Storey. He was the one player looking to drive forward instead of the incessant “Ray Wilkins” passing tactics. TREMARCO ? – Looked shaded but does not exactly get much defensive support from Doran. Is Carl hitting the end of his playing days ? DONALDSON ?– Appears to be trying to play in the Virgil Van Dyke mode. Unfortunately looked more like Dick Van Dyke at times yesterday. McCART ? – Probably came the closest to scoring from the dead ball situations. Defensively and passing wise he was the Julie Andrews beside Dick Van Dyke. Perhaps he should have retrieved Red Cards brolly. STOREY ? – My high hopes blew away in the Maryhill winds. Why did he not run at the defenders ? I lost count of the times that he stopped, back tracked and passed back !! CARSON ? – I thought that he played well and gave his all. Again he rarely got forward and tended to be another Ray Wilkins impersonator. TRAFFORD ?– Bad day at the office. Gave his all but his distribution was poor and he made no impact. DORAN ? – Hugged the touchline for most of the game. Did not defend at all. Most of our good stuff came down the right and even Aaron resorted to the back pass. WHITE ? – I have really tried to give him the benefit of the doubt but he did not win anything in the air and why did we relent with trying to play the ball into his feet. In his defence who was there to play it off to ? KEATINGS ?– If that was playing number 10 then why was he so deep ? You cant be a playmaker and a No 10. He was deep playing balls into the feet (mainly White) but then who was playing off White. Answers on a small piece of toilet paper. ROBBO ? – You should have changed the tactics and McCall sussed that.

Good point Jack - To me it is when other teams try to play football that we play football against them - and our defence and midfield relish. When we face teams that are defensive and encouraging US to take the initiative - we simply do not have the ammunition to blow the bestards away. Lets face it - Plastic Whistle were there for the taking. We simply have NOTHING up front. It has to be time to ditch White, Storey and Doran ? Oh and introduce Todorov, McGregor and Walsh (when fit)