broomie boy

golden showers

crank , 10/8 click , 10/7 both pretty good, more family orientated

tell

and it starts to smell with the heat...yuk

julian clary

about meeting

hey we're closer than we think, get that picture on

playing with

looking for

half drunk

child

you know what can happen on blind dates, im just making sure

if i get to see a photo , i'll take you out

a woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her f***y on her wedding night, so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. after an hour in bed with her he said "just how far a accross the f*****g field were you before you realised?"

doner calzone and a twelve pack

you feel guilty chatting up 19 year olds

with a smile on my face , in hugh heffners bunny ranch

harmfull

he should've had some sun lotion on , we all know how dangerous these ray's can be.... nah , it's really a shame , do you know how much heartache there is

garcia is looking pretty good , i expect him to push tiger tomorrow , but over all some great play

Your mamma's so fat that when god said " Let there be light!", he had to tell her to move over Your Mamma's so fat, when she ran away they had to use all four sides of the milk carton Yo Mamma's so fat, when she weighs herself the scale says 'To be continued...'

40 Ways Men Fail in Bed 1) NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay. 2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts. 3) NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance. 4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and soothe them. 5) BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't. 6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points. 7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown ******. So start paying them some attention. 8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the **** things off. 9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it. 10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris. 11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not. 12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy. 13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not. 14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE ******. Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the ****** is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her ****** at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it. 15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not. 16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons. 17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks first! 18) GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the *****-in-****** situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool -- she'll soon feel lie an assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts. 19) GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds. 20) COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too. 21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb ******. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man. 22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask. 23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris. 24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-*****, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-*****. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her. 25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary. 26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head. 27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do. 28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest. 29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse. 30) TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them. 31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no-no. 32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest. 33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings. 34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostrate. Women don't. 35) GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end. 36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on. 37) TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know. 38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you. 39) SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue. 40) NOT THANKING HER. Don't forget that you're a slob, ... and you're lucky to have that goddess in your life. Be sure to thank her with BOTH words and actions.

Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART. Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun. Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world. Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and ****, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway! Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

1. Disregard all nonessential numbers. These include age, weight and height. (Drink lots of beer) 2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. If you really need a grouch, there are probably family members that fill that need. 3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever Just never let the brain idle. (Drink lots of beer) 4. Enjoy the simple things. Remember - when you were young, that's all you could afford. When you were in college, that's all that you could afford. When you are on retirement, that is all that you can afford! 5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. Laugh so much that you can be tracked anywhere by your distinctive laughter. (Drink lots of beer) 6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life is ourselves. 7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge. (Drink lots of beer) 8. Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. 9. Don't take guilt trips. Go to the shops, the next city, a foreign country, but forget the guilt trips! (Drink lots of beer) 10. At every opportunity, tell the people you love that you love them. Remember: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. And (Drink lots of beer)

1.You've started having a row with yourself. Out loud. 2. You have absolutely no idea where you're shoes are. 3. The "Chicken Dance Song" seems like a really good tune. 4. You mistake a police car from a cab and shout obscenities when it doesn't stop for you. 5. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies loo because you tried twice and ended up on the floor on your bum.....And it was wet. 6. You bump into people on their way to work. 7. You've been flashing your boobs at passers by. 8. Creme De Menthe, Advocaat or Grenadine suddenly seem to be viable drink options. 9. You start crying. 10. You can't stop. 11. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work. 12. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd. 13. The man you're chasing used to be your 5th grade teacher. 14. The urge to take all your clothes off, stand on a table and sing "Fever" become strangely overwhelming. 15. You've forgotten where you live. ( ccc , ring a bell ) 16. You seem to be seeing more of the toilet bowl than the dance floor. 17. You've just sung "I'm horny, horny horny horny ..." to a passing police man. 18. You notice that there's vomit on your dress and suspect that it's yours. 19. You keep missing your mouth with your drink. 20. You can't taste the vodka in your vodka and coke. 21. You think you're in bed but your pillow feels strangely like pizza. 22. You tell your worst enemy that you've always loved her really. 23. The stairs take on the appearance of that really really really steep slippery dip at blackpool. 24. You've started offering 'oral pleasure' to any male who'll listen. 25. You start every conversation with, "Don't take this the wrong way but..." 26. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it. 27. You challenge the doorman to an arm wrestling competition. 28. You have to be restrained from 'stage-diving' from the top of the stairs. 29. You're sitting on the floor. On your own. 30. You show your mates that girls can wee standing up if they really want to. 31. You decide to audition for 'StarSearch' via the security cameras. 32. You rediscover your childhood gymnastic skills. 33. You realise why you gave up gymnastics. 34. You think three blokes are chatting you up when there's actually only one. 35. You drop your 3am kebab on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating. 36. The entire club has seen your pants. Twice 37. Most of them against their will. 38. You can't see you own face to reapply your long gone make-up.