Canada Bob

A Winnipeg farmers wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and then the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar :018: 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose :007: 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called :010: 4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate :017: 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring :015: Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning :023:

Have you heard about the two duck hunters from Prince Albert ? ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORY HEARD ON A SASKATOON RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT. A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator from Merlin Motors in Saskatoon for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00). He picks up his friend to go duck hunting at Tobin Lake, of course the lake is frozen. They go on the lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the New NAVIGATOR, don't get ahead of me yet... They decide they want to make a natural looking water area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (becoming toast), decide on the following course of action... They light the 40 second fuse, then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible. Remember a couple of paragraphs back I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, & the DOG ! Let's talk about the dog... A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING!!! Especially things thrown by the owner, you guessed it, the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice. The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms, and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently being cheered on by his master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots at the dog ! The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop an 80 lb Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane ! So, the dog takes off to find cover... under the brand new Navigator. The men continue to scream as they run. In the midst of all this confusion, the red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dogs rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master. Then""""""""""BOOOOOOOOOOOOM""""""""""!!!! The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with......"I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. The guy had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments... As for the dog, well except for now being gun shy and a touch deaf he's OK. Canada Bob.

GREAT !!! I backed them at 6/1 with Betfair, with about 20 minutes still on the clock... Tell you something else too, a pile of money went on Caley at that time, over £25,000 went on them at odds between 6/1 and 8/1 !!! They went out as far as 33/1 some lucky bugger got a decent bet there !!! I though that 6/1 was way over the odds, especially with the corner count and the fact that the Hun needed a penalty to score. Canada Bob.

Is it looking like a draw ? Ranger needed a penalty to score, so that's a good sign... Canada Bob.

Hi Scotty... Have a quick look at your PVT messages... Bob.

Willdo... don't tell me I won the bleedin Christmas Turkey, and Reef's picked it up for me, sigh... Other than they I think ICT have the edge from what I've seen on the BBC thing, winning 6 corners to 3 in the first half, always a good sign that. Keep yer fingers crossed... Canada Bob.

Is the game on the telly ? How's it going so far, other than the score line that is... Canada Bob.

THANKS for the link Harry... Looks like I brought them a bit of luck ! Canada Bob.

Is the game on the radio ? Trying to find a station carrying it on the web... Canada Bob.

What's all this talk about circumference ! it's supposed ta be a Christian Holiday :018: and a Family Show at that :010: Canada Bob.

Here's one for you... The answer isn't 42 after all !!! in fact it wer closer to 69 when I wer a lad... http://dingo.care2.com/cards/flash/5409/galaxy.swf Canada Bob.

Yea, but, no, but... They've nowt like this in Dingwall !!! http://www.boomtaprecords.com/hybridsnow.pps

Be alright diggin mi way through 5 ft of snow with that one, I use a bigger spoon for me cuppa tey! Canada Bob.

Well, I guess I'm in the oddest postion of all, in this debate... I don't live in England, aint Scottish either, but... If Wigin could gain Independece from that shower in London I'd be all for it... What do them Southerners know about Wigan, ne'er mind Scotland, we're only 196 miles north of them, yet they think we're beyond the pale. If places like Estonia, Latvia, Croatia and the like, are confident about their ability to make it in the World, then why would anyone in Scotland be less certain that Scotland could compete ! Drop these leeches off yer ***, you can stand on yer own feet in this World ! I wish you the best in gaining Independence, sod that lot south of Warrington... Canada Bob.

**** it... I knew I should nae have rushed into spending all that money... Went past the store today and they have a Special on !!! Better machine at a better price too... "Made in Aberdeen" too ! Luckily I invoked that "7 day cooling off thing" where you can cancel yer order, so the Toro is history, got a way better deal on this one... http://www.homedepot.ca/webapp/wcs/stores/...catalogId=10051 Better guarantee too... the only part that can wear out, is the wife !!! Canada Bob.

I did nae have a clue what to buy the Mrs for Christmas, and I'm sure they can pick up on that, because... The Mrs started to drop hints about an exercise machine ! well there's lots of them to chose from, so I went out today and bought her one, hope she likes it, it's being delivered on Monday, while she's out. I'm not going to wrap it, might just throw a blanket ore it in the garage, then when we've had our tea, pour her a wee dram, and let her sort of unveil it... here's what I got for her, something we can both enjoy... http://www.homedepot.ca/webapp/wcs/stores/...0_0_level1_Toro What a surprise that'll be ! one she'll never forget ! seasonal too :004: Canada Bob.

Well it looks like 50ft of snow in the front garden, so having once been a Unionised Worker, I'm not going to burden the Postie with any cards this year, blame it on the snow and the 43c stamp... But, in the spirit of the Season the least I could do was send you guys this {carefully chosen} card, hope you like it. http://http://www.mesasoftware.com/merrychristmas.htm Canada Bob. ***fixed the link for you Bob- The Mantis***

What a day... bad enough doing me money in on St Johnstone, beat 2-1 by Aidrie, :008: but that was just the start of it... At 6 o'clock the wifes sister phones up, says she's gone down with flu, so she can't turn out tonight, leaving the wife with 2 tickets to the Winnipeg Ballet who are in town tonight, how do you get out of that one... I thought I was set up for the night, knowing they were going out I'd downloaded Tora Tora Tora, Full Metal Jacket & Blackhawk Down, all of a sudden I'm roped in for a night at the Ballet :007: No way I can talk meself out of it, then I remember watching that Little Tin Solder Ballet when I was about 7, that weren't bad from what I can remember, so I thought I'd chance it... The show was in two 45 minute halves, {like a football match}, and we are sat front and centre {3rd row} when these prancing bast***s come on. Blokes with mascara, and their armpits shaved, not a good start is it, the odd bit was, the women were in high cut knickers, but the blokes were in thongs, yea, no kiddin' :017: what's going on there ! I know where Einstein got his theory of "Time & Relativity", there's no way that 45 minutes watching shyte like this is the same length of time as at a football match. I thought it would last for ever :008: it's not like a days fishin', 5-6 hours whips by when the rods are out. Add to that, if Isaac Newton had seen the fat bird throwing herself about, he wouldn't have had to wait of that apple falling out of the tree to discover the "Theory of Gravity" . Have to give it to them ponces though, the one who's job it was to catch that fat bird was drippin' with sweat, not sure if it was through exhaustion, or fear though ? What does anyone see in Ballet ? where did this stuff come from ?, what the **** is it all about ? $35 a ticket, that's around £17 ! I'd rather have watched Tranmere Rovers in the pouring rain than have had to put up with this. Hard to believe they can travel 2000 miles from Winnipeg, sell 1,200 tickets {that's a bigger gate than Gretna get} for a poncing display like this. The place was full, fair enough 90% of them women, plus a fair contingent of gay blokes, one of them sat right behind me, clapping excitedly for every bleedin thing they did, no doubt he found it exciting, I hope no bugger saw me there... Seriously though, how did this b*llocks catch on ? they didn't even have ice cream during the interval. Add to that I was brastin' for a leak by half time, but I let them all come out first, :023: I don't need to make new friends on a night like that. The only relief of sorts was the lead dancer, an Annie Lennox look a like, bonny looking woman, in her 40's, but fit as a fiddle, had that stern kind of look about her {you know, when they look like they could turn on yer, I like 'em like that}. Other than that, there was a scene near the end that had a slight Lesbian theme about it, but it didn't last long enough, {they never do, do they}, after that me mind started to wonder off again... The last time me and the Mrs went to anything remotely like this was one of them live **x shows in Amsterdam, but that went much the same way, the leading guy in that had trouble with his pirouette :007: he got booed off :006:, this lot got a standing ovation ! Once in a lifetime is enough for Ballet, don't ever be tempted, it's a right load of cobblers, topped me day off in grand fashion this did. Canada Bob.

No sound tract with this, but it's fun to see how good Bubba is... http://http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1725037/ Canada Bob.

Join a Gym the wife said, fight the flab and all that... So off I went to this spanking new Gym "spanking" being the operative word I think ! How things have changed since I wer a lad, used to be press ups and medicine balls, not these days, took one look at this lot and headed straight back to the betting shop ! http://www.jokeroo.com/funnyvideos/treadmill_dance.html Canada Bob.

Not sure if this is down to me coming off the medications, but... I was watching one of those Steven Hawking programs on TV, the "Big Bang Theory" and all that. He says that at some point the Universe will start to rewind, "time will start to run backwards" etc... and that got me thinking... You'd start out by waking up from being dead, {that's not a bad start}, with all your friends around you, eating sandwiches, drinking sherry and saying what a great guy you are. You'd have a pension right away, no mortgage, a caravan in Ayrshire, a cruise every year to Salamander or wherever, special discounts in restaurants, and a bus pass ! Fair enough you might start out a bit crocked up, but... you'd feel better every day, the print in newspapers would get larger, not only that but... women would start to look younger, their wrinkles would start to disappear, our erec***** would get harder. You'd start out with a dose of herpes and THEN meet that girl from Dingwall, and give it to her ! Add to that, our bodies would start to ripple with muscle weeks before we even started to exercise ! You'd be able to wonder down to the pub, play domino's for hours on end, play golf all the time, go fishing when you want, or simply walk the dog ! Be odd to go to a game though and know that you'd beat Aberdeen 3-0 before the game had kicked off, even odder to know at the start of the season that you'd be relegated at the "end" of it, or to know the winner of the 2:30 at Carlisle a day before it ran, trouble is the Bookies would know too, how's that going to work ? would the horses run backwards ? some of mine seem to be practicing that already... Anyway, 20 years later you's start work... you get a gold watch on your first day, and start as the CEO ! then work your way to become an Apprentice ! 40 years of employment, but having less responsibilities each day, until you’re young enough to enjoy "retirement". This time round retirement {aka High School} is party time, booze, weed and promiscuous women who get prettier by the hour! 10 years later you become a child, off you go to primary school, you play, you have no responsibilities at all, you can demand designer clothes or what the **** you want, and get it, just by screaming a loud enough ! Then you become a baby, spending hours a day nuzzled into a fine pair of breasts, you even get your *** wiped... Finally you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in spa-like conditions, central heating, room service on tap every day, and then... you'd finisher yer life as an orga** ! I could nae follow it all, but that's the way they said it would work... I think this would be a much better option that the one we have right now ! Canada Bob.

Hello JohnBoy, I don't know what the answer is, sometimes there just isn't an answer, but it's a rotten situation. Canada Bob.

Broke me up looking face to face with them, bonny young lads and a few lassies, hard to take knowing they are dead and gone, harder still for their families. The thing is, this is just the tip of a rotten iceberg, there's man a young Scottish lad {looking no different} and many an English lad, or Welsh or Irish, you name it, the Yanks and all, even Polish and others, dead in the dust, and for what... I don't know if they should be there or not, if we don't sort them out in their own back yard these taliban b*stards will once again bring it home to us, so I don't know how you stop it, I just wish they would all pack it in. Bottom line is the other side will grieve as heavily as we do, and I'd guess many of them don't know what it's really all about. If I was the PM of Canada or the UK and if some way I could have seen this before I'd sent them out there, they wouldn't have gone, not one of them, as you say they all look like mates you could be proud of, but how do their mothers and fathers, wives and children feel, I can't begin to imagine that. If ever there was a no win situation then this is it for both sides, no one will rest until their hands drip with blood. Canada Bob.

A mate of mine here in Canada sent me this, it stopped me in my tracks. His son is serving in Afghanistan right now, shoulder to shoulder with lads from England, Scotland, the US and elsewhere. I don't know if they should be there, what do I know, but when you see the price being paid for so called peace it makes me wonder. Check the video out, it's a tough one to watch... http://members.shaw.ca/travner/ Canada Bob.

A Nebraska farmer named Clyde was in a terrible traffic accicent. In court,the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule, Bessie, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine' ?" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite mule, Bessie". Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after a Highway Patrolman happened on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.He took one look at her, saw her condition, took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, his gun still in hand, looked at me,and said, "How are you feeling?" "Now what the F*ck would you say?