An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2am and is asked where is he going at this time of night. The man replies, “I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.” The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?” The man replies, “That would be my wife.”
In a small church somewhere in the Highlands, the minister had an idea to increase the collection.
He said the person who contributed most could choose three hymns.
When the plate came back he saw a roll of £20s.
"Who gave this," he asked.
"Me," said this little old spinster at the back.
"OK, Minnie McHaggis, what three hymns would you like?" the minister asked.
So, Minnie came to the front of the church and started pointing:
"Him, and him, and him..."