Johnboy

I just like to unbutton my coat and show you what you could have been enjoying all these years

Must go & see how my cucumber's coming on....

You've rumbled me Laura... Don't say anything to anyone, but I've got a telescope focused on your bedroom window.... I have a wee peep now & again then I go & show granny my roots.....!!

Thank God I'm not part of this family - Not a problem - I'm quite happy to relax and have a puff on my rolled up avatar...!!

:roll: :roll:

I reckon you could be Scotland, FBW.. The Highlands, that is....

Rugged un-cultivated beauty - overflowing with Higland charm & hospitality

Climatically un-predictable - yet improving with age & experience...!!

Could even be an auld alliance simmering away there..... some kind of enigmatic mystery perhaps.... Who knows...??

A major hurricane (Senga) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Glasgow in the early hours of yesterday morning, with its epicentre in the Gorbals.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Pure mental, man, pure mental man"....

The hurricane decimated the area and caused approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of momentos from Majorca and Seville were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

Clyde FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, and were trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had actually happened in the Gorbals.

One resident - Bernadette O'Reilly, a fifteen year old mother of five said "It gied me a pure fright, so it did. Ma wee Chardonay-Mercedes came runnin intae the bedroom greetin'. My youngest twa, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. Ah wiz still shakin watchin Trisha the next mornin', so ah wiz"...

Glasgow City police reported that lootings, muggings and car crime were unaffected and were carrying on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Buckfast to the area to help stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books and bone china from Poundstretchers.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include :

Fila or Burberry baseball caps

Kappa tracksuit tops (his & hers)

Shell suits (female)

White sprt socks

Rockport boots or Adidas trainers

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are badly needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include :

Microwave chips

Pies from Greggs

Tins of baked beans

Ice cream

Cans of special brew or bottles of Buckie

22p will buy a biro for filling in compensation forms

£2 buys chips, crisps & Irn Bru for a family of 9

£5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected

*Breaking News *

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in rasberry alcho-pop

"Where are you bleeding from", they asked "Parkhead", came the reply, "Whits it tae youse?"

I'm fed up with so many slagging off F*ballers wife.. Ok so we all know she's maybe not automatic first team material - but she's a great squad player. Very comforting just to have her on the bench - you know she'll always give you 100% and you just can't ask for more than that. Terrific engine in her - she'll graft away for a full 90 mins no problem...

C'mon now guys - gie the wee lassie a break....!!

Or breakfast - Can't wait...!!

Yeah - but I'm now an adopted sneckie - I would have been on your side at Culloden - even if I'm still not too sure about that wee Italian woofter...!!

Chainmail..??

Yeah - I can tell you've got breeding all right... I knew there was something about you that night we met - just couldn't quite put my finger on it...!! Well - not without rolling up my sleeves...!!

I come from a place called Bridge of Weir - and came to Sneck via Dunfermline, Fife....

I get all my inspiration from you, FBW... Are you from Glesca..??

Johnboy's utterly brilliant & hilarious "Glesa Burds" topic in Anything Goes....

Thought you would have meen more of a Sgt. Bilko fan - Airborne

You've done a great job touching up the worst bits. That boil's nowhere to be seen...!!

Glad you made it FBW... Very flattering pic - is it not?

The Waltons