A major hurricane (Senga) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Glasgow in the early hours of yesterday morning, with its epicentre in the Gorbals.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Pure mental, man, pure mental man"....
The hurricane decimated the area and caused approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of momentos from Majorca and Seville were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.
Clyde FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, and were trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had actually happened in the Gorbals.
One resident - Bernadette O'Reilly, a fifteen year old mother of five said "It gied me a pure fright, so it did. Ma wee Chardonay-Mercedes came runnin intae the bedroom greetin'. My youngest twa, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. Ah wiz still shakin watchin Trisha the next mornin', so ah wiz"...
Glasgow City police reported that lootings, muggings and car crime were unaffected and were carrying on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Buckfast to the area to help stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books and bone china from Poundstretchers.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include :
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his & hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sprt socks
Rockport boots or Adidas trainers
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are badly needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include :
Microwave chips
Pies from Greggs
Tins of baked beans
Ice cream
Cans of special brew or bottles of Buckie
22p will buy a biro for filling in compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps & Irn Bru for a family of 9
£5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected
*Breaking News *
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in rasberry alcho-pop
"Where are you bleeding from", they asked "Parkhead", came the reply, "Whits it tae youse?"