IMMORTAL HOWDEN ENDER

If Helen gives me a sweetie I will show her ma tattoo.

Excellent wee point - what about the Granty option. But then again what about corners as well.

My opening post was not meant to be overly critical of anybody but I feel that our home form has to be corrected and I am sure that it must be a "puzzler" to Terry and Mo as well or else it would have been sorted. Personally I have had the best two seasons of entertainment and enjoyment that I have ever had following ICT - ICT Away has become an enigma - and sorry but it is about a feeling of "togetherness". I really am looking fer an answer and nobody is coming up with one which is rather worrying. I will let you all know as I once again savour a home game again. oh and BoggieCog its feckin Perf.

An SFL standard player IMHO - and believe it or not I think that Eric shades him in the pecking order - like Eric he does not like getting in the mix - he may have a nice touch but he has no pace and is an out and out midfielder - we dont need him in there with Cox and Duncan. I actually thought that - pre season- that Bloomingshite looked really good when playing in the hole in front of the main striker - that is summat that I would like to see at home.

Juanjo certainly gave as his share of memories - the blaster at Easter Road and the goal celebration at Liviscum - but that is the past and hopefully the new will come from the wee weegie over the bridge.

Pressure pushing down on me Pressing down on you, no man asked for Under pressure, that burns a building down Splits a family in two Puts people on streets Of course TB is under a degree of pressure - the Midden result just adds to the frustration of not being able to sustain the away form in our back yard. The Longman should be a fortress but we are using it as a Dump. At home we are 9th in the table, six points in front of Hammies who have two games in hand and only two points better off than Aberdire and St Jones Town who also have two games in hand Played 9 Won 2 Drawn 2 Lost 5 For 11 Against 13 GD -2 Points 8 Yellows 12 Reds 0 Away from home we are second in the table, six points behind Rangers and a point in front of the Jam Tarts and Cellic with two games in hand: Played 9 Won 5 Drawn 4 Lost 0 For 18 Against 9 GD +9 Points 19 Yellows 12 Reds 0 Those statistics really are amazing but - take away the Old Firm (good point against Rangers) and Jam Tarts (worst home preformance of the season for me) - and lets face it - dropping points to Midden, Hamilton, Well and St Jones Town should not happen. And it aint got antyhing to do with our disciplinary record either as it is identical at home or away - and here is another interesting wee stat - Shots at home (146) / Shots away (183) - Corners at home (92) / Corners away (124) - WTF ?? So what are the reasons ? 1. It would appear that the large majority of teams - other than the OF - are geared up to defend in depth and hit on the attack away from home - I dont think that we adapt to tackle this and I would say that our home formation and the selection should be different - as we tend to be static and go with who played well the week before. 2. We dont use the width as well at home - for some reason we dont pass as crisply and as accurately - and our concentration at times is simply wayward - that has simply got to be down to confidence and application. I bet that away from home that we go on to the pitch thinking that we can pinch at least a point and at home we go on with a degree of trepidation rite from the onset. 3. Ever see the heads go down away from home ? Ever see the heads go down at home ? 4. When we are facing adversity away from home there is positivity in the tactics and substitutions but at home it is trepidation as well - at away its a case of - feck it lets go fer it - and at home it is a case of better one point than none at all. 5. But sorry but the SUPPORT really is a major influence - enuff said. Personally a start for me would be an attacking philosophy and get beat 3-2 or 4-3 against Killie - if it meant a change. It simply has to be done Butcher is charasmatic but we need a sports psychology angle here: This has got a lot to do with self esteem, self confidence,stress /anxiety control, concentration and motivation. So lets start getting it rite on and off the pitch. See ya in Section G dudes. ?There can only be one state of mind as you approach any profound test; total concentration, a spirit of togetherness, and strength.?

I am meeting with TB at his house on Wednesday afternoon and - as a talisman - I am going to suggest: Esson Duff Tokes Munro Shinnie Ross Duncan Cox Foran Sutherland Rooney

No becos we had a look at them and they didnt come up to the standard - You have to put afew red herrings in the fishing basket but I am usually proved rite when I am being serious. Bit sad that you trail for posts.

Hey - I am the second oldest swinger in Section G - let me and Lizi enjoy our tender moments See ya in the Fairways.

Sadly I would have been a cert if the game had been played on New Years Day as originally arranged but I will now have to drive down and rest in Glasgow overnite.

I can recall being slightly ignored and even laughed at in pre season when I suggested that a deal for Michael Gardyne had been brokered at that stage and that a certain Micahel Gardyne would be coming over the bridge in 2011. And did I also mention an interest in a certain rite back called Shaun Beeley of Fleetwood town who I suggested would have come to sneck if the McCann loan deal did not come to fruition Anyway I hope to be in attendance at the Fleetwood v Southport game on Tuesday as I have been invited to go along with a "scout" from ICT.

IHE will be making a rare sojourn to TCS on Wednesday evening and will be rite there in the bowels of Section G - Bring the festive merriment,singing and double voddies on.

If it was the Albert Hotel ya were feckin hallucinating.

I worked with my Dad at ? Burnetts bakery down the Longman, delivering pies etc. to the local pubs and football grounds. I was only 15 or 16 but that was some feckin job. Also recall an all night bakery near the Academy playing fields which we dropped in to on the way home to Raigmore Hospital. What about the disco parties in the Nurses home and lock ins at the Fluke - c/o the Frasers. Or the discos at Fraser Park. Pomagne and Scotsmac and Four Crown cocktails. Playing darts in the Plough at the bottom of Stephens Brae and travelling to play in style at the Lochgorm - and what was the pub at the Black Bridge ? Craig Dunain Rugby Club - won the league with the oddest non rugby playing team that was ever put together - by Dougie Cruickshanks - Tarzan, the Andrew sisters, Caley 100, Johnny Burnside - who else was there. An of course the all conquering Columba FC - the greatest Welfare / Amateur football team to ver grace the playing fields of Sneck.

Welcome to West Drive and GTWB Productions are proud to present the Grand Final of the 2010 CTO Festive Sevens. The Overseas fans will be sited in the Mapplebeck Stand and the Granville Paterson Enclosure - the CaleyJaggie following will be sited in the Dan Fridge Stand and the Toich Terrace. Officials for this match will be David Sutherland and Alan Savage on the lines, Graham Bennett as the fourth official and the referree will be the legendary ADC Kidd - Commentary on Jackanory FM will be provided by Charlie "where did I leave my towel" Bannerman. CTO CaleyJaggies: KingBeastie; Govan Jaggie; CapitalCaley; Red Card Riley; Internet Jnr: IHE; Stirling Observer; Joe DiMaggio; davieb; Bronson CTO Overseas: Scotty; ronnyc; Scarlet Pimple; Jock Watt; Gabby; kilda; ymip; luvgravy; Tug IHE takes the kick off and .............. the whistle blows .............. both linesman have flagged ... ADC Kidd gets feedback from the fourth official ... IHE is shown a red card and a one way ticket in a Black Maria. ONLY JOKING That would never hapen in real life Caley Jaggies appear to be spurned on and Govan Jaggie secures a lead with a swerving shot that would be lauded in Bechins fer many a year. But the boys from overseas are not finished and luvgravy equalises with a flighted effort. King Beastie does his Animal impersonation and tries to drum up the lads on the Toich Terrace. He has been thought to have been particulary nervous about being a custodian in West drive as Granville has a history with Shetland fillies. The game is going from end to end. ronnyc breaks from the back and lights up the stadium like feckin Times Square with an effort from half way which eludes the troubled king beastie. But back come the CaleyJaggies as Red Card polishes off a great davieb through ball and Krakows it in to the onion bag. The Toich Terrace resembles a Lech Poznan under 10 game. But in the dying moments the substitute Tug produces a bit of magic. It is as if he has come out of the trenches, he crawls along the touchline and fires in a bullet off a shot - but it is going wide - but it feckin richochets of Jock watts zimmer and bulges in to the back of the net. The final whistle blows - CTO CaleyJaggies 2 CTOOverseas 3 CTO Overseas are the 2010 CTO Festive Sevens Winners and Scotty prepares to climb the gantry to accept the award from Provost Dan Corbett but allows Tug to take his place. The stadium rises in applause. Why - cos we have "heroes" like Naelifts and his paramedic duties and we even have IHE looking after the lives of the mentally ill of Lancashire but that is nowt compared to anyone prepared to give their lives to the country. Hope I have got this right TUG but total respect and prayers to ya - and any other ICT supporting squaddie who wears our shirt proudly in the battle zone Nollaig chridheil agus Bliadhna mhath ur!

The action moves to North Kessock and the final will take place in the Millenium Stadium on West Drive.

The teams emerge fer the second semi final which, on paper, looks like a real grudge match. But the tie is held up as there is a streaker on the pitch - it looks like Feb 8th and he is making a beeline fer IHE - but he ghosts past him due to the smell of spirits and heads down the vaultstunnel and is swiftly removed by men in white coats (ghosts I suppose) The teams have changes: CTO CaleyJaggies: KingBeastie; Govan Jaggie; CapitalCaley; Red Card Riley; Internet Jnr: IHE; Stirling Observer; Joe DiMaggio; davieb; Bronson CTO Central Belters: Mantis; Naelifts; Wanderer; Hairy Chibber; Alternative Maryhill; CaleySatan; ICTPaisley; Ross P; Ginger haired psychopath. The match has been further delayed as both the teams have to be removed from the Munlochy Inn having spent the afternoon sightseeing at the Black Isle Brewery. Maryhill is caught out early doors as he is caught in the act of writing the feckin preview and his notebook is tossed in the air as Brosnon explodes on to the scene with the most splendid 20 yard drive. And the crowd chant "Simple Simon says put yer hands in the air" CaleyStan berates Mary but he releases Hairy Chibber who promptly equalises and runs to the crowd to celebrate. He is met by Ginger haired psycopath who is promptly arrested. Hairy assures him that he will provide support and legal representation after the game. Joe di maggio and Stirling observer huddle over a free kick in deep thought (or a hip flask to be precise). Stirling Observer does a dummy run and Joe smashes an unstoppable drive in to the top corner - "Oh the red and blue of the Caley jags" the pair sing as they celebrate. Mantis looks more like a Murd urquhart than a Billy Urquhart. But Naelifts looks like the man to rescue the game and is an emergency forward. He gives the kiss of life to the fading Central Belters and heads home an equaliser. But in the last minute CaleyCapital reminds us of a young Craig Brewster as he shows great ball skills and composure and chips home a late but deserved winner.

Good evening from the MEN Arena (Munlochy Evening News - where the action has moved in order to thrill the Black Isle - another capacity 60,000 crowd in attendance to watch the CTO Finals night, sponsored by GTWB Productions. And the first semi final is between\\; CTO Ladies - unchanged from last nite: OldCaleyGirl; Maimie; Lg ; Miss ICT; Lizi; Mee ; Bench - ekjules; guzz; HighlandExile; Mrs PaulieBee; Mrs Jnr. CTO Overseas: Scotty; ronnyc; Scarlet Pimple; Jock Watt; Gabby; kilda; ymip; luvgravy; Tug Incident from the kick off as Scarlet Pimple takes OldCaleyGirl out by the Howdens but both hug each other due to the memories the clinch has evoked. Scarlet attempts to wax lyrically but fails as he usually only posts in the wee small hours of the morning. Mee is taking no prisoners and men are dropping like flies as she hunts them down (no different to real life really). ymip is standing out like the Trifle tower and it is no surprise that he opens the scoring with an inseine lob - "Quelle merdre". But the ladies pull their pants up (this is just like real life tonite) and go on the offensive. HighlandExile goes on a rampage - as she did at Easter Road and sets up Miss ICT who fires home the equaliser - she promptly apologises for scoring in consecutive games. Guzz comes on and immediately mistakes Jock Watt fer Uncle Albert, smacks him on the back of his napper and is booked for her efforts. Unfortunately from the resultant goal kick Gabby executes the Boomerang free kick and turns the tie upside down. The Ladies attempt to rescue the match by going down under but there is little chance of success with the manhood of the opposition - who fer whatever reason are resting Tug on the bench. If ever Scotty needed a Tug it was 2010. And to make the day worse fer the reigning Championees a kilda run ends with a shot hitting the back of the net as fast as a gannet hitting the Atlantic waves. And OldCaleyGirl is left collapsed on her erse at the end of the nite (more reality)

WOW - CANT WAIT FOR THE CLIMAX Semis and Final on Xmas Eve and still happy to accept late nominations for squad inclusions.

And to the last fiasco of the evening !! CTO Central Belters v CTO North of Sneck - a case of the South of Scotland taking on the Far North - and the Arena is going as wild as it did for the Overseas contingent. CTO CENTRAL BELTERS: Mantis; Naelifts; Wanderer; Hairy Chibber; Alternative Maryhill; CaleySatan; ICTPaisley; Ross P CTO NORTHOFSNECK: Dougal; Birdog; Mahonio; Dornoch Caley;Caledonian1980; AndyM; skyeman; revbirdog; stonedsailor Unfortunately the game has been default awarded to the Central belters as only two players from NorthofSneck turned up - Mahonio and an individual with Multiple Personality Disorder

Game number 3 looks like the pick of the feckin bunch as the new posters take on the famed CaleyJaggies - notice Caley came first The Cullicudden crowd erupt in to a chant of O2B and both teams join in to the sing song: CTO Newbies: Doofers Dad; ICTKev; TopSixNextYear; Renegade; Sorted; ajsict92; Georgios; robbylad; DALNEIGHCALEY CTO CaleyJaggies: KingBeastie; Govan Jaggie; CapitalCaley; Red Card Riley; Internet Jnr: IHE; Stirling Observer; Joe DiMaggio; davieb This game has kicked off in a frenzy - DALNEIGHCALEY and davieb have been sent of by Hugh Dallas for making references to texts about the Pope. (davieb has a previous record) - Hugh has strained a ligament and has been replaced by some gudgie from Luxembourg. Renegade puts in a post of complaint and sees red as well. The newbies clearly have the flair, stamina, determiantion and stamina and it is no surprise that they take the lead through a Georgios overhead bicycle kick which could have ended up in the River Lossie. Doofers Dad then show his age and brings down Strirling Observer who picks himslef up and scores in a Rooneyesque manner from the spot (Micky Rooney that is). And it is fergie time again when Govan Jaggie sprints down the wing and his cross is met by the effervescent Internet Jnr who dives in as if he has dived off a feckin Hamilton scaffold. FINAL SCORE - CTO NEWBIES 1 CTO CALEYJAGGIES 12

And the Cullicudden entertainment rolls on as a Pathe news clip of Dan Fridge v Mick the Miller at Grant Street Park has the packed arena in raptures but the Granville Paterson at Kingmylies Farm does not appear to have the same positive vibes. And on to the park stroll CTO posters from all over the globe - CTO Overseas are led on by the flag of the United Nations whils CTO Englandshire have a soiled and burnt offering (well serves them rite fer living down there) CTO Overseas: Scotty; ronnyc; Scarlet Pimple; Jock Watt; Gabby; kilda; ymip; luvgravy; Tug CTO Englandshire: Dewsburydude; Gringo; Lancs Dave; Chorltoncaley; CaleymadinEssex; ICT Away; The Fly; Hawkeye Feck me this is a feckin Question of Sport video question for the future - which is the oldest and heaviest outfit - close fekin call. Scotty has been asked why he has chosen to play for the Overseas team and not the Admin - "They are a bunch of bestards and it is my ball - playing beside ronnyc who is the only overseas fan that I have seen at a Rangers game it looks like a defensive partnership of the Lone Ranger and Toronto Anyway ymip is thwarted early doors as he gets to a 1:1 with Dewsburydude who re-enacts his Ibrox performance an ymip slices the attempt. Gringo looks on the right tracks and has evidently been training fer this game but he gets his signals all wrong and allows Scarlet Pimple in to snatch the opening goal - Scarlet expresses his delight in the style of Stuart Hall Hawkeye bounces on to the scene and puts in on the plate for the Fly to equalise. And it is in "fergie time" that the game is decided as Gabby goes down under and his up and under sails over the equator and kilda knocks in a winner. CaleyMadinEssex has plenty of peeple to pick to start up a new fan club in the demise of his beloved Jimmy Zadi and Marius Niculae.

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the No 2 (Poo) Arena in snowy Cullicudden for the annual CTO Festive Sevens, sponsored by Granville,Toich and Willliam Bell Productions - The roof has been closed and 60,000 Invernessians and friends from all over the world are packed in and raring to go. And could you have dreamed of a better opening than the CTO Administrators and the reigning champions ICT Ladies: CTO Administrators: Caley D; Yngwie; Alex McLeod; Mann4thejobbie; RIG; Andrew Fraser; clacherholiday2 bench - jay7 and Sandy Cromarty ICT Ladies: OldCaleyGirl; Maimie; Lg ; Miss ICT; Lizi; Mee ; Bench - ekjules; guzz; HighlandExile; Mrs PaulieBee; Mrs Jnr The first thing to note is that the Ladies may have a squad of 10 but the Administrators are still fielding bigger t*** and f*****s. Oldcaleygirl swings in to action early on (literally) and paws a well drilled attempt by Alex McLeod around the post. Lg taxis past wee Andy Pandy Fraser, her blaster is initially stopped by the Tubby Mortonesque custodian but wee Miss ICT is sprightly and knocks in the rebound. 1-0 to the ladies and miss ICT feckin apologises to everybody. Yngwie spoils his reputation by scything down Lizi but escapes a red dot card as Lizi's tartan rug falls on his napper and he escapes censure. There is another collision as mann4thejob and Maimie go for a 50:50 - again the ref takes no action as their hair styles are so familiar. RIG makes way for Sandy Cromarty - as he often does on Pie and Bovril but Sandy is promptly dispatched as he is apparently a "ringer" (not what it sounds like - or is it ?!!) The ladies are now using their numbers and take up a Double D formation - and it is too much for a mesmerised CaleyD as Mee chests it down to Mrs Guzz who chests it down to MrsPaulieBee who chests it down to Mee who chests it down to ekjules who fires it through CaleyD's legs - narrowly missing his dangling mistletoe. FULL TIME - CTO ADMINISTRATORS 0 CTO Ladies 2 CTO ADMINISTRATORS 3 CTO Ladies 2

Nope - they wanted to sit it out and rest.