IMMORTAL HOWDEN ENDER

It will be remembered in the fairy tale soon !!

The family meetings to discuss whether the families should merge or not were held in differing cirumstances. The Jeggies met in the small conservatory in the Rannoch Lodge and there were two unused rocking chairs. The Howden Enders were packed like sardines in the expanse of the Function Room at the Muirtown Motel. The Sneck council,the INE and its known associates had circulated a well thought out, devious and manipulative set of proposals which were deliberately very biased in towards the Howden Enders. They had expected that the beguiling influence of Piano on the Jeggie Elders would make their vote plain sailing but they believed that it needed more than wining, dining and wooing to win over the Howden Enders. The Sneck Council, the INE and its known associates also decided to put in a false "carrot" of a ready made, palatial home for the united families to live happily ever after in. At first the underhand tactics appeared to have won the day The Jeggies had voted 6 fans to 2 fans whereas the hundred + Howden Enders were practically split down the middle and the vote to unite was crowned by the Howden Ender members of Snow White and the Seven Smurfs. The"No" voters in the Howden Ender families were soon to be known as "The Righteous". But the Sneck Council, the INE and its known associates were shocked when Deputy Dawg from the Sneck Sherriff Court threw a poke into the wheel by informing the Land of Sneck that the influenced proposal and vote could only be viewed as a statement of intent rather than a formal decision. Poor Piano and her INE masters had mud on their face and had to retract their initial victory statement. Even a famous Sneck Historian began to consider that there was a scam in the air and later wrote that "Piano's statement conveyed the impression that her beloved INE were purely looking at this on business terms". So "The Righteous" awoke and vowed to fight till the bitter end. Their divisionary tactics began as they interrupted a family picnic gathering in Rothes by a "sit-in" protest on the central tartan rug and throwing sausage rolls and mini quiches at the quivering locals and singing derisory ditties in the direction of the Smurfs and their associates. The Sneck Council, the INE, its known associates and some dubious members of the local press took the opportunity to blow the petty fracas in to a vicious rebellion and portrayed the Righteous as Rebels and began to try and ruin their reputation. But despite what the Righteous lacked in the required political influence they were more than prepared to stand their ground and became a real pain in the erse. After all the earlier Howden Ender proposal to go alone and relocate at the Northern meeting Park had been quickly squashed and now a similar proposal was on the feckin table. The Sneck Council, the INE and its known associates decided that the Righteous did not have the legal savvy to compete and set ridiculous time boundaries on the completion of the vote to tie in with the delivery dates for applications to the Family Unity Society. But then the Righteous pulled a mighty rabbit out of the hat - a renowned solicitor who was known to take on odd roles and would also fight to the finish - as long as the spondoolachs reflected the plight. In to the fray came: TO BE CONTINUED

Are you sure that it wasn't wealth, stealth, mental health ?

That is disappointing as I am reliably informed that Phillip Roberts had made the initial bid.

And this is where the INE, solidly backed by the Sneck Council and its known associates began to take control of this fairy tale and did so in a majestically shrewd, calculated and manipulative manner. A leading light in the Jeggie camp was quoted as saying - "It makes good sense for the families to investigate ways of bringing forward the best outcome for Sneck and in doing so strengthen our prospects of being included in the SPL of Family Unity". It would appear at the time that the initial response from a Howden Ender elder was misquoted and should have read - "really excruciating" .." the big parrot is waffling about SPL status". A "Steering Committee" with a dodgy wheel and axle were "voted" in by the Sneck Council, the INE and its known associates. It was to be led by a spinster called Piano who was a "white witch" and joined by her boss Gormless Corduroy and they recruited some Sneck Council members and declared themselves to be "Honest Brokers" . Piano soon recruited Elders from the Jeggie and Howden Ender families and she used her mystical and psychopathic powers to entice all of them under her mesmerising, tantalising and lucrative spell. They were soon to be known as Piano "Snow White" and the Seven Smurfs. From Left to Right: Norman Normal, Charlie Custard, Piano (INE), Big Jimmy, Big Jock, Scotty Burnt, Grout and Gair the Bear. They quickly announced that "The prospect of creating Family Unity was prime amongst the several benefits perceived by the INE (and its known associates). This simply enimated (as from an anus) from the pure joy of seeing the Land of Sneck named as a member of the SPL in accordance with economic ambition". :lol: They even achieved to ridicule a poll ran by the Sneck Snoop newspaper that had identified that 96% of the inhabitants of the Land Of Sneck opposed the merger. It was decided that there was "something not right". Some local family meetings were held and the Merkinchers, as expected, were booted out allowed to vote out of participation. And despite it being clear that the Howden Enders were contributing at least 70% of the assets, 80% of the membership and 90% of the fundraising capacity it was felt that there was no grounds for Monopoly :lol: - or Jenga or Cluedo The local Sneck Council, the INE and its known associates then hired the renowned Financial Consultant firm of Piggott and Dodd to look into the finances of the two families and reported that they were both in the mire despite "losing" the Jeggie paperwork - presumably lost in a fire. And then a prestigious and influential declaration was made by a very well respected assembly of public figures. The statement read " On the basis of the members of both families agreeing to the merger and a joint application being made for membership of the SPL of Family Unity, the Sneck Council, the INE and its known associates give a firm commitment to work together to identify a unified Family meeting place on the A9/A96 corridors". This document was signed by Winston Churchill, Queen Elizabeth 11, the Pope, Ian Paisley, the Dalai Lama, Buddha, the Bay City Rollers, Rod Stewart, Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Jim Leishman. TO BE CONTINUED (MAYBE )

Apologies but what is the feckin point of aiming fer a semi and getting fecked - unless it is by a canal in Amsterdam.

You must have been owd when ya watched Kenny Dalglish. Lets face it top class football has the continental touch to it and is all about touch, ball possession and movement. Nearly all the players are comfortable on the ball and able to use both feet. They also have at least a couple of match winners. They keep to the same systems but tactically exploit opponent weaknesses. At all levels of theBritish game we still appear to look for stackers at the back, runners in midfield and workers up front. As has been alluded to before we do not develop skills enuff in our schools. I still recall watching Real Madrid and Valencia warming up before a La Liga match and it was a condensed, one touch, six a side game which was feckin enthralling. In the SPL we watch players doing feckin aerobics or running back and fore or trying to hit the crossbar from the half way line.

In our position the first goal is clearly to remain in the SPL - IMHO that should be an expectation this season. If the expectation, which it should be, is to be Top Six then it has to be the Top Three. And then a Cup Final has to be another.

I can recall Darren Mackie showing real potential in his first league game at Raif Rovers. Lets face it he didn't want to be with us in the first place and then picked up injuries. If he had been committed to the cause he would have been immense but would have quickly gone in the transfer windows. TB appeared to have issues with Davis and his in and out of the team spoilt it fer him and us. Roberts was never played correctly in my opinion and became a better choice as a wide player than Shane. Golobart looked the part from the off and was persevered with despite some dodgy performances. Charlie Taylor was as goog as we have had.

Introduction to the Families of Sneck: THE "MERKINCHERS" had ruled the Ferry and Carse areas for many years and were a rather insular clique. Their realm comprised mainly of council slums houses, inhabited by tribes of Dyces, Stewarts, Burnsides, Corbetts and Rodgers They rarely strayed from the homely atmosphere of establishments such as the Thornbush, the Locheil or the Albion (famed for having Pomagne, Scotsmac and Four Crown on the optics) or their dilapidated meeting place in Grant Street. They rarely fraternised with the Jeggies but were known to join the Howden Enders on forays into Ross-Shire and Morayshire plus "socialising" at the likes of the Strath, the Keppoch, the Ballerina and the Red Shoes, kitted out in the latest fashions sold in the Nicols Emporium in Grant Street They shunned the concept of family Unity and they had already ploughed significant amounts of stolen borrowed well earned spondoolachs in to the survival of their race and keenly wished to maintain their name, history and heritage. Their general presentation anyway was not viewed as the proper advertisement for Family Unity in Sneck by the Sneck Council, the INE and its known associates. THE JEGGIES were mainly a middle class collection populating the more distinguished properties in the Crown, Lochardil and Culduthel. Their family presentation was far more what the Sneck Council, the INE and their known associates were looking for. They tended to congregate mainly in the Lounge Bars of the Heathmount, Craigmonie and Corriegarth whilst their main meeting place was peculiarly a dilapidated, falling down area of grass and mud called Kingsmills Park. They did also have a quaint little studio apartment in Baron Taylors Street. They were a very polite and politically correct bunch and preferred to rustle sweeting papers, doff their caps or engage in polite clapping and applause than to sing and tended to prefer picnics, garden parties, watching cricket in Fraser Park or a game of gowf at Culcabock. They were never many in numbers and it was often said that the only time a merry throng was seen in their area was when the Howden Enders stormed loudly up Stephens Brae or the Raining Stairs for family competitions. However the family had some very influential members of the Sneck Community with a load of spondoolachs hidden away for a rainy day. In truth they were "perfect" in the eyes of the Sneck Council, the INE and its known associates and it was decreed at an early juncture that they had to be included in the Family Unit application, by any means, fair or foul. THE HOWDEN ENDERS were the vibrant, colourful, gregarious, extroverted, arrogant and oft controversial faction of Sneck. They were simply regarded as the top dogs, "The Rangers of the North". They had considerably more numbers to call on, more financially solid and owned a palatial, historical and revered Meeting Place on Telford Street. They would mass in groups throughout the Kingdom of Sneck, from the Jolly Drover to the Muirtown, from the Fluke to the Crit and the Gellions to the Royal Ordnance. They simply loved life to the full. Their name and reputation was known far and wide. They did not have the family presentation pull that was being sought by the Sneck Council, the INE and its known associates but they did have the numbers, the pulling power, the structure, the history and the finances. They also had the added bonus of a temple of worship on Greig Street (not Diggers but across the road). The Howden Enders had attempted to gain entry to the Scottish Premier League of Family Unit by themselves.They had been willing to sell off their Meeting Place to El Fahid and the Harrods Group and had approached the Sneck Council for a lease and/or financial support. The plan was to build a better Meeting place in the aptly named Northern Meeting Park. But little were they aware at the time that the Sneck Council, the INE and its known associates had already been plotting their visions and the Council voting processes around that application were the start of voting scenarios thereafter. Lets just say "Frigging in the Rigging" . Unfortunately several of the elders of the Howden Ender clan had already been singled out for special attention by the powers to be, known to those in the know as "The Longshanks Project. TO BE CONTINUED

I think that Laurence may actually have contributed some considered opinions. His initial post was'nt that far off the mark. Even bullshittting demented old gits should be able to vent their opinions.

There are in feckin Chorley - oh committed one LOL - I would have taken feckin both.

I think that Laurence may have some realistic suggestions.

INTRODUCTION: This fairy tale is about the merger of two clans, the Jeggies and the Howden Enders, who lived in the fabled land of Sneck many years ago. There were actually three clans in existence at that time but the Merkinchers had always preferred to be in-bred and stay in their own part of the Kingdom, mainly becos they were usually too intoxicated to go further and/or barred from everywhere else. The three clans had actually lived together in relative harmony but in different standards of living, financial well-being and numbers. But the Sneck Borough Council, in association with the Inversneck Narcissist Emporium (INE), were under pressure to enter in to the prodigious Scottish Premier League of Family Unity and were determined to unite the clans by whatever means, fair or foul. THE AUTHOR: Charlie Binman was a wee bloke who had worked as a Refuse Collector for the Sneck Borough Council all his life. He was naturally an intrusive and nosey little sod who had spent many years foraging through the refuse disposed off by the businesses and families of Sneck, without even getting his hands dirty. He claimed to have links with all the clans although it was oft suspected that his true allegiances lay with the land of Dungwall across the sea. He was an astute academic however and enjoyed running - but then again he had too on many occasions. GTWB Corporation (Publishing Division) would wish to acknowledge the emotional support received from the following sponsors during the production of this fairy tale. Without their support, the project would not have been possible:

The Granville, Toich and William Bell Corporation (Publishing Division) proudly presents: GTWB would wish to emphasise that all characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely intentional coincidental.

I am reliably informed that a loan deal is being brokered at this very moment

As Mr Bannerman will attest to writing a fictitious fairy tale takes time, unreliable contacts, dodgy sponsorship support and the inspiration to allow the flow of poetical and emotion producing prose - otherwise known as bullshitt. So this will take some time - as was the case with the revered and Nobel Literature award winning "Tale of the HMS Sneck", my initial goal is to produce the acknowledgements and the background to the author Charlie Binman this weekend. Do we have any access to "Tale of the HMS Sneck " as it may provide younger and new posters with an insight into the minds of authors such as Charlie Binman. Unfortunately this Grimm Fairy Tale is a prelude to HMS Sneck but similar projects have been successful - such as Superman and Denis The Menace.

And if you thought the HMS Sneck thread was good - then ya aint seen nothing yet !!!

Nope there is one being fostered in ma cranium - "Amongst lots of sods" by Charlie Binman - a tale of the merger of three families in the fabled land of Sneck. Available for £25.00 from www.feckinripoffmun.com but a download will soon be available on this thread.

Do you mean that I should give it a try ?

That is my feckin reference sorted Phillip - see ya at the Valley mate - what should I wear to make me more conspicuous.

Apologies for going off subject but how many points before sanctioning - purely out of interest of course. And has anybody ever reached the maximum ?

But who have we got other than Mr Bannerman who has the intellect and dramatic, journalistic potential to pen an alternative Fairy Tale ?!!

As alluded to I usually stay in the neighbourhoods of the matches and can call all many neighbours or feckin hoods where I am able to socialise, relax, sleep and be delivered back to Chorley. However if we are talking about a minibus or a day return group on the train then there are occasions that I may be available. After all it feels like a long time since I have been barred from anything. By the way Mods - why do I have a warning status showing when it is feckin Zero