Alex MacLeod

Johndo MacKenzie

fumigating

CD, I notice you frequently mention the spin of profits that could be made if ticket pricing encouraged more bums on seats and I agree this could be true of merchandising and programmes but I dont think its the case for food. Correct me if I'm wrong but I think the catering stalls are leased out. The company that run them pay an amount pre- agreed for the priviledge and all profit from sales goes into their pocket and not the clubs.

In case its gone unnoticed it is the present midfield who've been scoring lately. Personally I think that if Black was deemed to be up to the task he'd be in the starting team. None of us know what goes on on the training ground so dont really have a right to decide who should or shouldn't be on the park. I for one put my trust in the management team to recognise who deserves the starting places.

If any of these describe you, you're from Dingwall! Fewer than half of your cars run. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ***. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by. Your family tree doesn't fork. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed. You've ever used lard in bed. Your home has more miles on it than your car. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights. Your brother-in-law is your uncle. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup. The rear tyres on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board. You've ever worn a boob tube to a wedding. You think that Don Perignon is a Mafia leader. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the **** are you looking at, Shithe You have a rag for a petrol cap (on a car that does run). You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge. Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels. You go to your family reunion to meet women. You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening in the berry fields. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures. Your lifetime goal is to own a coconut stall at the fairground. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your transit does. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. Someone in your family says "***'n here an' lookit this afore I flush it." Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator. You mow your lawn and find a car. If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes a jacket and grabbing a flashlight. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive. You go Christmas shopping for your mum, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift. If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year". You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve... You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that isn't! Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end". You've been to a funeral and there were more trannie vans than cars. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job, primer red and primer gray. You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!

You know you're really from Dingwall when... The Tumshie lantern at halloween has more teeth than your spouse. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People." You think Genitalia is an Italian airline. You wonder how petrol stations keep their toilets so clean. Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!" Your Junior Secondary school had a daycare. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. The book value of your transit van goes up and down, depending on how much fuel is in it. Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire. Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. Pilot: Something loose in cockpit. Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit. Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield. Engineers: Live bugs on back-order. Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. Engineers: Evidence removed. Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud. Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level. Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. Engineers: That's what friction locks are for. Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield. Engineers: Suspect you're right. Pilot: Number 3 engine missing. Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search. Pilot: Aircraft handles funny. Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. Pilot: Target radar hums. Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. Pilot: Mouse in cockpit. Engineers: Cat installed. Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. Engineers: Took hammer away from midget

auspices of

ejaculating

dear

Convince me :011: Scottish Cup - Rd 4 Inverness CT - 1 Dundee Utd - 0 :003:

I'm sorry for all of you who feel hard done by for this game but please bear a thought for people like me. I dont have a season ticket simply because it wouldn't make sense to reserve a seat that would be empty for a good part of the season so I have to pay those prices for all the OF games. The prices are agreed by both clubs involved in the tie so unless Celtic agree to reductions then they cant happen. If the game was at Parkhead we'd likely be paying OF v each other prices. Yes I know some have suggested ICT could make reductions for their fans subsidised by their share of the gate but it just doesnt happen like that. All gate reciepts are accounted for and, after expenses, shared between the clubs. This is controlled by independant auditors to make sure there is no cheating the figures. (Yes the cynics may laugh but its true) RowS...The pricing for semi and final is set by the SFA not the clubs.

Barry Wilson now is better than Robson now.

crash out

scent (cue FW's products)

Hey all, CCC has lied about being 26. She's just let us know she's 32 :003:

of being

flatulence

the footballer

Only cos half his sign on fee is being paid in chocolate. :003:

scones

Carrbridge garage

ENGLAND V ITALY...................38-10 SCOTLAND V WALES..............19-15 IRELAND V FRANCE................15-12 HEARTS V ICT........................1-2 KILMARNOCK V RANGERS......2-1 CELTIC V HIBERNIAN............1-1 MAN UTD V CHARTON........................3-1 ARSENAL V WIGAN............................2-0 CHELSEA V MIDDLESBOROUGH.........1-2 NEWCASTLE V LIVERPOOL................1-1 Total 127

Who's all going?? Food and wine, an auction and Guest speaker is John Rowbotham

fumbler