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AND THE MORAL OF THIS CHRISTMAS FAIRY TALE IS – WE ARE ALL FROM DIFFERENT BACKGROUNDS – WE ALL HAVE DIFFERENT PERSONALITIES – WE ALL HAVE OUR DIFFERENT VIEWS – WE ALL HAVE A RIGHT TO AGREE OR DISAGREE BUT IT SHOULD BE DONE IN “THE BEST POSSIBLE TASTE” – BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY – WE ARE ALL INVERNESS CALEDONIAN THISTLE SUPPORTERS – TILL WE FECKIN DIE – AND WE SHOULD ALL RESPECT EACH OTHER FOR PURELY BEING THAT.

GRANVILLE, TOICH AND WILLIAM BELL PRODUCTIONS PROUDLY PRESENT FROM THE CULLICUDDEN COLLISEUM THE CTO FESTIVE FIVES 2019 (THE DOUGAL APPRECIATION CUP) THE GRAND FINAL LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE v THE YOUNG ONES Both teams are wearing special tops for the final – Last of the Summer Wine are sponsored by Tulloch Homes and the Young Ones by the Orion Group. A special request has been made by GTWB Productions and the “Young Ones” have kindly conceded to allow both teams to play their full squads from the onset. This means that Last of the Summer Line will line up as: IBM, Caley Mad in Berks, Old Caley Girl, Lizi, Mantis and Naelifts. The Young Ones will line up as: IHE, Buster, Jack Waddington, Satan and Alan Simpson. As they do in Love Island it is rumoured that a special guest is flying in to play for the Young Ones in the first half. The good news is that both Naelifts and Alan Simpson have both passed their soft bustard tests. Another Wyness Shuffle Podcast earlier today revealed that all the Young Ones have aspirations to follow in the footsteps of their “Winers” opponents. Buster wants to be a Paramedic musician like Naelifts; Jack Waddington wants to be a teacher like Mantis; Satan wants to be a District Nurse like OCG; Alan Simpson wants to be as positive as Lizi and learn how to bake buns instead of puns; IHE wants to be an Old Git like IBM and CMIB. And what pre-final entertainment we have enjoyed. TM4TJ has brought along his band – ZZ Top – and the Black Isle is booming to “Gimme all your Lovin”. And the stadium has erupted as David Raven and the 2015 squad have performed “We are the Champions”. And would you believe it – the kick off has been delayed – there is a female streaker on the pitch. We are informed that it is a Forum “lurker” called Rosemary Webb. She seems to have the word PORT scrawled on her buttocks. No hang on – she has turned round fully and it now appears to read PORTMAHOMACK. And Stirling Observer blows the whistle and the final commences. It is 100 mph from the start which is probably twice as fast as IBM has ever driven. This is beginning to look as if it will be a midfield battle. We have the Satan/Waddington combination and the Mantis/Old Caley Girl combination trying to feed their respective dangermen – Simpson and Naelifts. And it is Last of the Summer Wine who take initial control. OCG and Mantis combine to put Naelifts in on goal but he is thwarted by an agile and effervescent IHE. And the controversy reigns again as Lizi clashes with Alan Simpson. There has been bad blood between these two for some time. This time Lizi escapes the award of a red dot but gets a yellow instead. But after a VER check Alan is also given a yellow for intimidation. And the first goal of the final comes along. Mantis fires in a corner and the ball is headed into the net. The identity of the scorer in the melee is unclear. VER shows that it is a napper with receding grey hair. Well that doesn’t feckin narrow it down much. But there is only one true Grecian on the pitch and the goal is awarded to CALEY MAD IN BERKS. David Sutherland gesticulates to Alan Savage. Alas just on the whistle IHE has collapsed and is stretchered off. HALF TIME – LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE 1 THE YOUNG ONES 0 There is a hive of activity during the break. RIG is advertising and heralding “half season tickets”. Robbo is pleading for buyers and Caley Tennis advises him to be positive. And the stadium erupts as the dancing girls explode on to the pitch. OMG it’s the infamous “Keg Kickers”. Well the whole stadium needs to cool down after that performance. The best I have witnessed since the “Rolly Pollies”. Julie Wilson takes a selfie with all 20,000 fans – individually. Deep breaths and back to the final. IHE sprints out. Naelifts has inserted an IV line and mixed the saline drip with Smirnoff and “Hey Presto” or “Vindecat” as they say in Bucharest. And as the teams enter the pitch the Young Ones have an extra player. WTF – How does Donview qualify as a Young One ? Aah it is becos he is yet another role model – OK. The second half begins as the last words of “One Step Beyond” fades away. But from the kick off Buster goes beserk. He picks up the ball, goes on an amazing solo run and smacks a 30 yard bender into the back of the net. So if you come off the street, and you are beginning to feel the heat, well listen Buster, you’d better start to use your feet”and BUSTER did. Unfortunately it appears that the tiring “Winers” have decided to park the “bathtub” and soak up the pressure. And it appears to be working as the clock runs down to the final minute. BUT there is an old adage. And yet again the prophecy comes true. IHE collapses again and the final whistle goes. Penalties to decide? No that is not going to happen. WTF. Both teams have gone into a group huddle in the centre circle. Lizi has passed around some buns. And they emerge to announce that they have decided to share the trophy. The crowd stand up to a person and applaud the decision. So the Dougal Appreciation Cup will be kept by both teams for six months each. But the valuable “trophy” is dropped and breaks in half. The Last of the Summer Wine agree to take the rear remains as their memories are of Dougal talking out of that end anyway. FULL TIME – LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE 1 THE YOUNG ONES 1

GRANVILLE, TOICH AND WILLIAM BELL PRODUCTIONS PROUDLY PRESENT FROM THE CULLICUDDEN COLLISEUM THE CTO FESTIVE FIVES 2019 (THE DOUGAL APPRECIATION CUP) SEMI FINAL STAGE WYNESS SHUFFLE v THE YOUNG ONES Wyness Shuffle meet IHE for a pre-match podcast whilst the Young Ones have been challenging Mary Hill on Celebrity Eggheads Well the first semi-final appears to have had an effect on the second match – which has also been delayed. Wyness Shuffle have organized another Podcast Special in the Culbokie Inn. They have invited IHE who has felt obliged due to the promise of a double voddie. The Shuffle and IHE are in fine form as you can see. Caley Stan is in the nearby playground with his kids. The sooner that Boris sorts out Child Care the better. Meanwhile Alan Simpson is doing some late night shopping at the Jemimaville Designer Village. Buster is reviewing the management and service at the Resolis Rangers Supporters Club. Satan and Jack Waddington are patiently twiddling their thumbs in the dressing room. And it finally kicks off, 30 minutes late. All the players and fans appear to be full of Christmas sprits. It feels just like an Away Day. And it is the Shuffle who draw first blood. IHE appears to stumble and MARY HILL nips in, as quick as an Eggheads buzzer, and opens the scoring. One also suspects that IHE’s Irn Bru may have been laced !! In the sober light of day Satan and Jack Waddington are having a field day and are running the show like aspiring Carsons and Triffids. All the other players appear to be having difficulty maintaining their footing and balance – and there is no sign of any lingering dog ****. And that Satan/Waddington combination change the course of the tie, Stan shoots from distance. The shot appears to be going slightly wide but it hits ALAN SIMPSON on the side of his head and is deflected into the net. Alan looks groggy but carries on. Next is the Jack Waddington show. His attempted chip is parried by the keeper but the rebound hits ALAN SIMPSON full in the face and into the back of the net. Alan is down and the Paramedics rush to his aid. They find it difficult to deduce whether he is suffering from concussion or delirium or it is just his usual presentation. The whistle blows for the break and the hero stumbles off. The second half has barely started and we face another injury concern. Red Card has gone down and he looks as if he is in agony. But closer scrutiny reveals that he is hopping mad. It appears that a streak of dog **** has attached itself to his brand new, shiny, multi coloured Nike Airs. He is inconsolable and he seeks the asylum of the dressing room. The Shuffle have been reduced to four players but then again IHE is asleep on the sidelines. And suddenly Buster comes to life. It would appear that his Supporters Club Review has been heeded and he has a new lease of life. He outpaces RIG and unleashes a cannonball. But the effort strikes the crossbar but ricochets into the net off the back of ALAN SIMPSON’s head. The final whistle blows and brings an end to one of the most eventful days ever in the Festive Fives. Alan Simpson is the unlikely hat-trick hero and the tournaments’ leading scorer. Punters are likening him to Jordan White which does not go down too well. “Pair of fannies” announces Caley100. WYNESS SHUFFLE 1 THE YOUNG ONES 3

Just read p and j article that some of our players. Donaldson, white, Trafford to name a few are deciding not to sign new deals with the club because they think they could get regular starts in the premiership. Robbo says he's concerned fans think he isn't doing enough to sign them up but makes it clear he is trying. I think these players need to have a long hard look at there inconsistent performances before getting too big headed to think they are of Polworth or Chalmers level.

Have you been on the Christmas sherry Scarlet?

Right now IHE it's only you and me that's on here Don't tell the others but I was gobsmacked at how easily and sleekly your recounting of the matches was. A real artistic presentation, man. Great, just Great! SMILE>

Simmo, Simmo, Simmooooooo He used to be shite But now he's all White Walking in a Simmo wonderland

GRANVILLE, TOICH AND WILLIAM BELL PRODUCTIONS PROUDLY PRESENT FROM THE CULLICUDDEN COLLISEUM THE CTO FESTIVE FIVES 2019 (THE DOUGAL APPRECIATION CUP) THE GRAND FINAL LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE v THE YOUNG ONES BE THERE OR BE SQUARE ??

It doesn't really matter who we bring in be the same mind numbing hoof forward style defo needing a striker and creative midfielder we really need to make better use of the loan market could also do with shoving a few of the empty jerseys off the gravy train! Should be Robbos last tilt at promotion failure if he's any kinda man he should bolt no compo!

Nothing but the finest dogshat from my boy......

Caley Mad in Berks has just ended his post match interview.

GRANVILLE, TOICH AND WILLIAM BELL PRODUCTIONS PROUDLY PRESENT FROM THE CULLICUDDEN COLLISEUM THE CTO FESTIVE FIVES 2019 (THE DOUGAL APPRECIATION CUP) SEMI FINAL STAGE MASSIVE MODERATORS v LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE Team photos taken pre-match. Lizi is in the kitchen cooking her buns This fixture was initially thought to be a friendly encounter and the lesser of the two semi-final ties. The kick-off has been brought forward due to the media attention and 20,000 fake tickets heading to the streets of Inversneckie. Media hype, rumours and counter rumours have brought this world-wide attention. Highland Capital has even started a thread on Pie and Bovril. Paul Chalk has utilized the back two pages of the Highland News whilst he has also invited Gringo and Naelifts to star in his Friday night radio programme. Charlie Bannerman is planning to write a new fairy tale. Tommy Cummings is outraged that a reference has been made comparing the playing surface to a “coos field”. Mantis sprints on to the pitch, attired in a festive mankini. It appears that this may be a statement to counter rumours about his long term groin “problems”. He certainly looks resplendid and is attracting the attention of team-mates Lizi and Old Caley Girl. However Naelifts does not look happy. Is he a Ronaldo in the making ? Remember the old adage – “There is NO I in team”. IBM looks relaxed but he is still in the car park checking out the models and registration numbers. Caley Mad in Berks has slept through most of it and may not have his views known until after the game. Meanwhlie the Moderators massive capitano (Scotty) is enraged that Gringo reads the Scottish Sun, far less advertises the rag. The Cowshed End unravels a banner – “**** Off Gringo – Tory Voter”. Has the ex train driver resorted to dredging the depths ? The game has been further delayed by even more controversy. The "Winers" are furious that the Moderators have listed TM4TJ as TM4TJobbie on their team list. In retaliation Lizi has cancelled their half-time bun order. Even Dougal has offered an opinion. He points out that such a fracas would never have occurred pre-merger and points out that the majority of the transgressors are non-Invernessian. Downinthe dumps and dougiedanger nod in agreement. The game finally kicks off. Unfortunately all the pre-match hype appears to have affected both teams. A drab goal less first half brings an Arsenal type response from the expectant crowd. Gringo looks comfortable and is probably used to a Coventry0 type score board. BUT things are changing in the second half. It has become a bloodbath. It is too much to bear for some of the officials. MoogThurso and Caley Tennis have retired to the relative comfort of Caithness. It has become impossible to keep a check on the yellow card awards. This game is heading to a 0-0 and penalties. Wait a minute. Naelifts breaks away and finds himself in a 1-1 situation with the usually reliable custodian (Yngwie). Naelift swivels his dodgy hips and neatly rounds the flailing keeper and it is going to be a tap in. BUT he appears to have slipped and lost his footing. The camera clearly shows that his boot is covered in ………………… dog **** !!! Naelifts is carried off on a Paramedic stretcher. Lizi and Old Caley Girl attempt to apply First Aid but are again distracted by Mantis’ mankini. WHAT – Stirling Observer has pointed to the penalty spot. Caley 100 agrees so that must mean that Stirling Observer is not a fanny. A late Doofers Dad tackle has been noted. There has been contact with Naelifts and there is a clear streak of dogshit on his socks of DoofersDad. The VER camera is run back and it clearly shows TM4TJ dropping "items" in the box. We have a penalty and the clock has run out. CALEY MAD IN BERKS steps up and sends the goalkeeper the wrong way. There may be questions about the keeper as Yngwie threw himself well before the kick was taken and has, of course, previously shared a bath tub with some of the Winers. He also has a few buns in his pockets !! Gringo and Doofers Dad are awarded red cards. They have clashed on leaving the field. Gringo has noted that Doofers Dad predicted a 1-0 Winers win and a goal to be scored by Caley Mad in Berks. MASSIVE MODERATORS 0 LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE 1 Have we heard the last of Poogate ? Will the moderation of CTO be affected ? Will Kingsmills come back ? Will Naelifts be fit for the final ? How can the second semi-final live up to this ? HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP. ?

The Courier carries a late interview with Summer Wine boss B. Athtub " We will be ready to go again. It doesnt matter who we get. If we want to win this damn thing then we have to beat them all. I hate cliches but its the result that counts. I thought we could have played better against the Droners......the coos field of a pitch didnt help; and some of the decisions!! They are all in there just now; Mantis has a groin problem but this comes as no surprise to any of us. Lizi and Old caley Girl are desperate for a rub down. Tournament joint top scorer Naelifts is looking magnificent and says he has more to give. IBM is off to the bookies...........we're 3/1! Cant go wrong. Its fair to say that our youth policy hasnt paid many dividends of late but you cannae beat experience and we have that in buckets. We are worried about the VER team because Lizi always likes to be on someones shoulder and IBM goes down easily . We may shuffle things about and play Mantis at the back..............hes not got much up top, and despite what folk say.........hes no predator. Naelifts is already shaping to be man of the tourney so , yes.........we are confident"

Get in there!!

We are now 13 points behind Utd. We may be 2nd in the league but we also only 13 points above Morton in the relegation play off spot. It's a very competitive league and with better resourced teams likely to strengthen in the January window, we will do well to hang on to a play off place. We need to be more clinical up front. It's maybe a shame Nathan Austin left us. He scored 4 for Kelty yesterday and I believe is averaging about 2 goals a game for them! It's a very important game next week. If Dundee Utd beat Ayr and Partick take something off Dundee, then a win against the Pars would see us with a wee bit of breathing space in second. But if the results go the other way then the the fight for the play off places closes up quite a bit.

Perhaps TIT or rhyming words TO Wisdom ? ?

Great stuff IHE, It's been a long time since my tackle was the subject of such controversy!

Latest: "Hurting but proud. Should make the final fans. It was a great and uncredited ball from Mantis that sent me through on the keeper. For my money the **** was from a medium sized dog fed on Chudleys or similar............I would guess a retriever or dalmation if that helps. Slippy stuff! But back to the ball from Mantis........worthy of Sergio Ramos.........he certainly strained every last fibre of elastic and lycra to make that"