Breaking news from the P&J website.
The doom and gloom surrounding ICT was lifted last night with the announcement that fans' favourite Lionel Djebi-Zadi was to make a sensational and unexpected return to the club. The signing is expected to restore confidence in the club's shaky defence, and to boost the morale of fans and players, still reeling from Wednesday's 8-0 defeat to Celtic in the Co-op Funeral Services Cup.
ICT has previous experience of bringing back club legends, including Barry Wilson and Dennis Wyness, but this move is sure to send even greater shockwaves through the home support. The rampaging Frenchman left ICT in May after almost single handedly leading the club back to the SPL. He had previously played a vital role in the club's SPL relegation season, being ever present towards the end, when the club failed to win any of its last 4 games.
"I'm looking forward to my return to Inverness" said Djebi-Zadi last night. "And I think the fans see me as some kind of saviour. In fact, I frequently used to hear them shout 'Oh Jesus' from the stands. All I ask in return is that they make a little bit more effort when trying to pronounce Djebi-Zadi - it usually comes out as 'Fackeen-Pishmun', although I wonder if that is perhaps the Gaelic translation of my name. I love the Highland way of life - especially the fresh air, although Ross Tokely often asked why I would swipe at it so much".
"I heard Wednesday's result just after I finished my shift at Disneyland Paris. I was naturally disappointed to hear how far the club had fallen without me, and to be honest it was no surprise when I got the call from Thierry Boucher the next day. It was a bit of a bad line, which made his voice sound very slurred, but I think he was very eager for me to come back and even used the words 'f***ing desperate'. I didn?t hesitate to say yes, despite my concerns about the security situation in Inverness - every time I walked down the street I would hear people shouting ?bombscare!?
?At first I wasn't sure if I could come back in time for the St Mirren game as I was scheduled to be 3rd reserve for Goofy in the parade, but my employers have been great and actually encouraged me to go immediately."
But Djebi-Zadi concedes that there were occasional problems on the park last time around. "Yes, it was frustrating for me that my teammates just couldn't anticipate what I was about to do, and I was always a couple of steps ahead of them. I think it was because of my continental style of play. I remember once trying to explain to Grant Munro the concept of total football, but he just turned and ran off to intercept a through ball."
Language was also a barrier to defensive understanding. "Sometimes Grant confused me by shouting ambiguous instructions like 'Get it away!' which I interpreted as an order to bring the ball down, get it under control, take a few touches, then dribble past a few opponents before passing the ball into the stand".
But despite the tensions on the pitch, the relationship with Munro appears to have blossomed into a lasting friendship. "Sure, we kept in touch. I've spent the last few months training to be Mickey Mouse, and Grant says that if anyone can do that role, it's me. He tries to keep my spirits up, often just texting lots of laughing smilies".
When Lionel is asked about his ambitions, they clearly go beyond saving ICT's season. "A lot of people seem shocked when I say this, but I still haven't been capped for France. I wrote to the Stade de France last month offering my services, as I heard they were struggling to put a team together. I was told to turn up at the stadium the night of the Belarus game, but there was clearly a misunderstanding, as I was put in the team of litter pickers. I did it serve my country, but pointed out the mistake. They apologised and I was told to come back to the stadium on the night they were playing Bosnia. Unfortunately this was another misunderstanding, as the game was actually an away fixture" he says sadly. "But I know that my return to ICT will be a stepping stone to greater things, and I have my sights set on the next European Championships in Brazil".
Meanwhile, Terry Butcher is still in a state of shock after the 16-0 drubbing at Parkhead. "I know exactly what went wrong. Normally I study the fans? website forum to get my team selections and tactics. But this time Mo suggested that we if we are going to get anywhere in management, we should make our own decisions. I won?t be making that mistake again, no no no? he says, shaking his head mournfully.
"It's not the result or the performance that hurts" he adds, "it's the reaction of the fans. In particular, I've lost the support of my mentor and inspiration, a tactical mastermind who guides me from his bedroom in Wick. I feel ashamed that he has had to go to the trouble of wiping his sticky monitor and keyboard to go ballistic at me online, and I could tell from the number of angry smilies that he was very very serious.?
?I considered quitting as a result, and drank 2 boxes of red wine before I noticed the fans on the forum clamouring for Lionel to come back, and I could see that he was the answer to all our problems. He was always one of the most talked about players ICT ever had, and as a footballer he does things I?ve never seen before in all my years. It?s not a panic signing, honest.?
ICT fans spokesman Jonathan Mackenzie, 67, was preparing to travel north from Lancashire to Paisley when he heard the stunning news. ?It was one of those JFK moments? he said. ?I just couldn?t believe it was really happening. One thing?s for sure, the St Mirren game is going to be entertaining. Hopefully our opponents will be so busy trying to wind up Rossco that they won?t notice the gaping holes on the left. In fact, this weekend?s game could be so good that I might even consider staying for the 2nd half?.
