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ACT ONE – TO THE FERRY AND BEYOND

 

Many years ago in the fabled land of Sneck two well travelled pirates wander around the streets of the Kessock Ferry. Yogi and Latapy have plundered across the globe, from Boavista to Falkirk and from the Port of Spain to Hartlepool. And now they are seated in the Thornbush Inn feasting on a Tattie pie and a bottle of Four Crown.

And they cant believe their luck when in walks the naieve Donview clutching on to a treasure map that he found in a bin on West Drive. He tells Yogi and Latapy that he has hired a frigate, called the HMS Sneck from its owner, IHE, and he plans to get a trusty crew together and go and find the treasure. Little does Donview know that Yogi and Latapy work for Long Kenny Cameron, a hustler who has been seeking the treasure for many years. Yogi and Latapy show Donview and his solicitor (Kingsmills) their dodgy CV and are enlisted immediately.

And in walks OldCaleyGirl and Maimie, resplendent in their best dresses with 12 suitcases waiting outside. Donview has told them that he is taking them on a Carribean Cruise !! He plans to get them drunk before boarding, which of course is a pretty easy task.

Meanwhile in a dirty old Tavern by the harbour, called the Citadel, a meeting of the Pre-Merger Team is taking place. The PMT meets monthly and is often a painful, emotional and bloody affair. Many old seadogs are in attendance, much like a Rose Street Rehearsal. There is amongst others Mantis, BughtMaster, TitchyBlacksBack and Alex McLeod. Yogi and Latapy stroll in, tell them of the treasure map, and they are out the door to the harbour before you could say “There will never be a merger”.

At the rear of the rush is the minute taker, Badass Bannerman, a scribe renowned for telling tall tales. He decides to keep a diaty of events and will probably make money out of publishing it at a later date. He is closely followed by Dougal and Dougie Danger.

The captain of the HMS Sneck (Red Card Riley) welcomes all aboard, in one of the pairs of fluorescent trainers that he is renowned for. He is a bit gormless really and depends greatly on the support of his First Mate, Govan Jaggie. They lower the plank and it is a case of ladies first, with OldCaley Girl and Maimie being stretchered up the Gangway.

As the other mercenaries plod on Sneckboy records a list, in alphabetical order, height and a previous experience synopsis. Renegade corrects him several times whilst IBM names all the makes of the other vessels in the Harbour. Scarlet Pimple waxes lyrically and quotes from passages written by Robert Louis Stevenson.

And so the Mottley crew set sail for the first X on the map – Solihull Moors – where they plan to meet up with the Gringos and the rest of the Englandshire mercenaries. Everyone looks forward to a day of trainspotting, curry eating, real ale quenching and listening to old jokes.

 

TO BE CONTINUED

 Do we get to see anyone walk the plank??

Rum, sodomy and the lash indeed.

You know me too well!!! 

ACT ONE – BIRMINGHAM AND BEYOND

Where is the treasure map ? Well don’t worry it is safe and secure and located in Donviews’ wallet. Anyway “back to the fairy tale” as many said about “Against All the Odds” !!

News of the quest spread as quickly as a floodlight failure in Dungwall and HMS Sneck had to dock at Aberdire and Leith on the voyage South. More worthies clamboured on board, including RIG, PerfICT, Caley Braveheart, Nod, ICT Chris and the suggested influences behind Pink Floyds “Another Brick in the Wall”, Top Six and Mary Hill.

Red Card Riley continued to organise the days and even had regular updates from on board relayed to Sky Sports News. Govan Jaggie had the security under control and King Beastie (AKA Animal) had been enlisted to organise the Entertainment. He had gathered together the House Band. Beastie on Drums, Kenny Adie on Lead Guitar, TM4TJ on base guitar and Sandy Sutherland on vocals. His dad DJS was the driving force behind the steering movement. They were, of course, the back up band to the main singing header, IHE.

Comedians had also been drafted in. Shaun AKA Mahonio was the top turn abetted by Dougal and the long awaited return of Ewan Murray. Yngwie took on the compere role as he was famed for his one-liners (also apt for a cruise!!).

It was enough to have Maimie and OldCaleyGirl  thinking that they were actually on a cruise. The Ladies Section was also filling up with HighlandExile and a gathering of Facebook posting Sneckites. Lg was due to join at a later date when she had got her Redundancy money.

Caley 100 was put in charge of Ship Maintenance and a stand in if the main mast collapsed. IBM and Bughtmaster were his understudies as both were old enuff to know everything about sail ships.

But as the numbers increased Yogi and Latapy grew more and more concerned that their cover would be blown so Long Kenny Cameron shipped in CaleyD and davie to support, on a voluntary basis of course. Their secret code word was “Butcher”.

But soon Solihull was reached and a day of revelry ensued. The Gringos came on board with an aviary of others – a Palace Eagle, a canary from Norwich and a demented Dodo bird from Berkshire. And the first X on the treasure map was found outside St Andrews. The Seer quickly noted that HMS Sneck required to set sail for Paisley, Partick and the Kingdom of Fife to appease the next three X’s.

And so the Mottley crew set sail for the next X on the map – a midden in Paisley and the Fly pies of the Alamo. Sneckboy promptly updated the list, Renegade promptly pointed out the issues with the line up and the selection, whilst Scarlet Pimple waxed lyrically quoting Jasper Carrot and JRR Tolkien. He was beginning to make a hobbit of this.

 

TO BE CONTINUED

 

 

Edited December 22, 201510 yr by IMMORTAL HOWDEN ENDER

ACT THREE – TAKING OVER THE CENTRAL BELT AND “GROWING”

And as the historical journey continued a strange air of togetherness began to rise amongst the crew of the HMS Sneck. The experience of Yogi and Latapy was only too evident and their plan appeared to be well on the way to fruition as they took over the roles of Captain and First Mate. Even CaleyD and davie were going up in the estimation of others. Dougal and Dougie Danger were also warming to Badass Bannerman (well this is a feckin fairy tale !!). But Donview kept his wallet firmly shut, apart from a wee shifty in a locked toilet cubicle (but we have all done that).

Toilet humour abounded on board and soon there was a Parliamo Sneckie lingo for using the Scotty on Board. You could go for a Smee or a Ross P, you could go for a HawkeyetheGnu or if you overindulged an ICTRoughi. Not enuff bran and Oats and ya would be downinnthedumps.or have a Pumpfake.

But as the two X’s were found in Paisley and Partick more and more wannabee pirates climbed on board. Central Belters such as Iain, ICT Paisley and iamcaptain1 whilst Highlanders roamed South like manic Jacobites – cif73, AndyCam and his polaroid, robbylad, wythank1 and Caleydawson.

The Juanjo Away dormitory evolved and even a Rest Home managed by Paramedic of the Year, Naelifts. The likes of the Dodo from Berks, 12^th Man, Bughtmaster, Kingsmills, IBM and Scarlet could be nursed in comfort.

Education did not suffer either due to the number of teechers on Board. Mary Hill taught English Litterature, Mantis taught Gobbledegook, TopSix taught Double dutch and Badass did Performing Arts (I said Arts).

And for future reference never let Mary Hill show you round the streets of Maryhill, nor let a Paisley taxi driver called Kelly show you around Middenland. Mind you Moray Wanderer and Dad were just as bad in the Kingdom of Fife.

When the X was found in Kirkcaldy things began to feel even better. There was something in the air that night (cue song). The Telegram system was going into overdrive. Poor Scotty in Toronto was tapping away 24/7 and Red Cards megaphone was at top notch.

It was clear that a HMS Sneck II and a HMS Sneck II would be required and there was a global warming. A vessel named HMS Lovegravy started the Atlantic Crossing and the HMS Gabby departed Van Diemens land. For a moment the treasure was forgotten and the anticipation of the biggest party ever was beginning to feel more like reality than fiction (unlike Against All Odds).

Poor Sneckboy was in overdrive and still regularly corrected by Renegade. Scarlet quoted My Heart is in the Highlands and the Highland Boat Song.

 

TO BE CONTINUED

 

Edited December 23, 201510 yr by IMMORTAL HOWDEN ENDER

ACT FOUR – MAKING FANTASY A FACT

So first it was off to Mount Vernon on the Sabbath morning to pay homage to the cause and take on the might of the Parkhead Pack and the hordes of their tricolour carrying followers. And in their back garden to boot. The voyage was being made more in hope than anything else and there were fears that the HMS Sneck and the flotilla following may be scuppered and hopes of the treasure lost forever.

More and more buccaneers entered the fray. There was Wyness 100, jagster, Alex jones, Ronaldo, Raszac, ginger jaggy, ubern, bigman and many more. And little did we expect that we would be singing hymns of joy in the aftermath.

The HMS Sneck Education had a lot to be thanked for. Josh Meekings had excelled in the Semaphor classes and his “C” sign just before half time was crucial. It send messages of hope down the massed ranks of the HMS Sneck crew and the vessels around it. And then whoever said that the Raven at sea was an “ill omen” was proved completely wrong. And the Caley went ballistic once again. And Doofers Dad and the Sponge broke in to a rendition of “Blue Moon”. And there were a few more moons directed at the Tricolour bearers.

The X was found, the next clue deciphered. So there was time to celebrate but then the concentrate on “defeat the Bairns, dubloons will be a plenty but the real treasure lies ahead.

So on May 15^th the HMS Sneck proudly headed what can only be described as an armada and again sped into Mount Vernon. The numbers had soared to almost 15,000 and pirates, buccaneers and their families had assembled from all over the globe, in anticipation of the greatest Naval victory of all time.

Old Jeggie and Caley vessels joined together in harmony. DalneighCaley embraced RedNBlackComeback. CrownJaggie swaddled up to Caley Hedgehog, Muirtown Jaggy stood beside Caleyally, Jaggiesoverstaggies sang with caleytillidie, gingerjaggy with Cassict. Furious George was happy and Goliath Grunt purred.

To say it was a frustrating afternoon for a treasure search was an understatement. It was a very, very long afternoon. But at the end Scarlet Pimple burst in to song – “You took your goal, as subs seldom do, But I could've told you Vincent, that goal was always meant for one as determined as you”.

The armada went ballistic again and the Rum flowed through the hills of Hampden. Tug soldiered on, Kilda flourished. There was themidgetmaestro, Gavroche, Huisdean, Fraz, Hiro, caleyboy. Bdu forgot the feckin numbers after his name and so did dij. Een, Finmac the weeman prayed on the streets. Eyesettee had to sit down. The Wanderer stood stll. It was one of those days.

And many thought that this was the end of this tale. The greatest battle in history had been won. Long Kenny Cameron had received £250,000 bucks and has stored them under his bed for a rainy day, as advocated by a former chairman. BUT the “treasure chest” was still to be found. The final clue was found in some newspaper purchased in an Auchterarder Chippy – Enjoy your moment but you are not finished yet – “Await the news of “A star” from Eastern Europe and follow on to the Old City were the real treasure can be found”.

 

TO BE CONTINUED

https://youtu.be/THbMow5DRsI

It's a feckin Intermission - so lets set the scene for the final act

 

https://youtu.be/I5-6PUqi1WI

ACT FIVE – BUCURESTI : THE FINAL FRONTIER

So Michel Platini picked the name out of the hat as quickly as a handshake with Sepp Blatter. And the HMS Sneck was to sail to Bucharest, en route to Giurgiu. But there was noted to be an Old Town in Bucharest but not an Old City (or so we thought!!).

All that was needed for this trip was the lone HMS Sneck and 500 wayfarers chose to sail along with only Yogi at the helm. It was presumed that Russell had been given enuff dollars to open up his own tea plantation. Brian Rice took his place. It was a gamble that even Brian may not have punted on. And a new Lieutenant Lopez and a stopper called Fon had also come on board. Turning out to be a case of a decent Welsh Dresser with a dilapidated spittoon on top.

But many who had done the two trips to Glasgow were not on board. Was it or was it not Celtic1Caley3, ajmack, CaleyMax, PandB, Guzz, Uncle Albert, biggin, big john and caleydazza (and if I haven’t feckin mentioned you by now then feckin tuff).

So what was the point of going if the treasure had been already found ? The spondoolachs were safely stuffed in the mattress. But yet - all pirates even paid for the privilege of the trip and that was unheard off in the History of Piracy on the Deep Seas. Why ? Because there was still a treasure to be found, an adventure to be had and the map still said so.

So the HMS Sneck made many stops en route – Aberdeen, Edinburgh, Glasgow, Manchester, London, Amsterdam, Paris, Frankfurt but soon arrived in the city of Bucharest. There was no waterway to Giurgiu and the River Dambovita looked like a Shrek bathing facility. But the “Old City” reference was soon solved and located – not feckin half – a welcoming hostelry at the top of the Old Town in Lipscani, the nightlife centre of Bucuresti. And many more a Lev was squandered in the Old Town. But where was the X and what was the feckin treasure ? A local dignitary (the barman) told us that all would be revealed when we returned from Giurgiu.

So on the morning of 23/07/15 the loyal bunch of buccaneers began to assemble at the Old City. The heat was searing which led to the need to drown ample fluids – some more than others. The stresses and emotions of the long sojourn were forgotten and the “togetherness” will never EVER be bettered. The procession through the Old Town to the waiting stagecoaches will live in the memory forever. Never have Eastern European police been so nice to anyone (gratefully though as they all had feckin machine guns). And then a police escort as a convoy of stagecoaches made the arduous trip to Giurgiu. It was a game to be forgotten (well some would have anyway) but again the togetherness and camaderie was exceptional.

And it was back to the Old City and the discovery of that final X, that treasure that we had sought for months. Well it wasn’t gold or silver, it wasn’t dubloons or levs or pounds or dollars. But every single buccaneer who made that journey to the bitter end had a little “treasure chest” of memories and emotions embedded in their psyche and many, when feeling down, open up that chest, release those memories and it always brings back a smile and sometimes a tear. Some treasures are totally feckin priceless.

And so it was back to reality and back to Sneck, back to Away days in the SPFL but we all followed that glittering  guiding star in the Northern sky – SHINE BRIGHT MIKEY DIAMOND

THE END

GRANVILLE, TOICH AND WILLIAM BELL PRODUCTIONS WOULD WISH TO THANK SMIRNOFF, JOHN SMITHS AND BIPOLAR ILLNESS FOR THEIR ASSISTANCE IN THIS PANTOMIME. WE WOULD ALSO WISH TO THANK OUR MAIN SPONSOR – LAURENCE’s BOOKSHOP IN GRANTOWN ON SPEY.

 

ALL CHARACTERS MENTIONED IN THIS TALE ARE PSEUDONYMS OR ALTER EGOS. THIS TALE IS CLEARLY FICTITIOUS AND ANY RESEMBLANCE TO REAL LIFE EVENTS WAS INTENTIONAL. ANY RESEMBLANCE TO REAL PERSONS, LIVING OR DEAD, IS ALSO WHOLLY INTENTIONAL.

 

Edited December 24, 201510 yr by IMMORTAL HOWDEN ENDER

Well done IHE .........this is the first time I have ever been mentioned in a Panto

A lot of work there, Well done IHE   

What a gig from the man who wears a coat of  many colors.  Especially red and blue

Such a lot of work and a quite brilliant tale of derring do.

An instant classic

When is he doing the BiPolar Express ?

Beauly and the Beast?