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From Mondays Scotsman LOVE IN AT NEW LOVE STREET - Ewan MacMurray Group 4 Security have announced plans to make amends with travelling fans of Inverness Caledonian Thistle, following widespread condemnation of their brusque approach and draconian "policing" tactics at the recent Hibernian v ICT match played at Easter Road. Group 4 Security spokesperson, Adolf Mussolini, apologised profusely stating "We would wish to unequivocally apologise to all Inverness Supporters who attended the match at Esater Road. Our stormtroopers were overexcited by the aggressive match plan laid out by the new Stadium Manager, Vladimir Romanov, and they took their adrenaline out on the ICT contingent. We unfortunately did not hold back on men,women,children of all ages and apparently even through out a Highalnd papparazi - although he gave a false name of a pope. Group 4 Security have held preparatory talks with Strathclyde Police and the Stain Midden management. They aim to provide pre match entertainment at the slacious Alamo Bar on the aptly named Love Street. Cocktails and a buffet will be available and personal invitations are being sent out to members of the SESH and MOB fan factions. It would appear that members of those groups may have been singled out. Adolf added "Fortunately we have maintained a list of names of all those ejected and we look forward to make amends to the likes of Donald Duck, Elvis Presley, Ronald Reagan, Peter Paul XV1, William Wallace and the grey haired Marius Niculae". On arrival at the grounds all Inverness fans will receive a complementary packet of Lovehearts and will be encouraged to share the sweeties and enact the mottos with the stewards. Inverness fans will be provided with free flowery seat cushions and they will be permitted to stand whilst singing. A suggestion was for a chorus backed by flares but Health and Safety has limited this but ICT fans will be allowed to wave orchid scented joss sticks as they sing "Wise men say". Half time will herald a rendition of "All you need is love" by the Group 4 choir. Stewards will mingle with the ICT support and hope to encourage a flurry of group hugs, whilst doves will be released an rose petals will be scattered like confetti. Inverness fans, Mann4thejob and Johnboy expressed their support "This is an admirable gesture and brings back sweet memories of Woodstock and love ins. It will be just like the Aviva advert." So Paisley will be the place to be on Saturday 25th September if your goal is world peace and it will be pleasing to see the yellow jacketed barstewards being amenable for once. MOB spokesman IHE concluded " We all thought that there was a human being inside that cold, gruff exterior. It will be nice to watch ninety minutes of football again. I just hope unruly influences like the Highland Exile wont spoil it for us.

I think the easier thing to do is to make the opponents' goal a yard wider and a foot higher, and ours a yard narrower and a foot lower! They'll destroy us in the 2nd half though.

Odhiambo, Odi-Odihambo

A little bit more stat finding shows that in season 2007/2008 when we finished 9th (also quite successful) we lost our first 6 matches and finally managed to record our first win on the 22nd of September of that season. Its far too early on in the season to suggest how bad we'll be. I'm still very confident we'll managed around 8th or 9th.

I would imagine that if the Pope was making weekly appearances home and away in addition to a few midweek shows as well, crowds might well shrink quite quickly.

Is this so your 5-1 (ish) prediction for wednesday night comes true?

Whilst walkeen down the street today in sanny Invarness I stambled on a baker's shop whose menu duhd ampress I wandered in and ordered, then the weetrass said to me "There's yer bah'ered scones, jawm donahts an' yer cap o' tea." Now had I crossed the ruhver and gone to the West End Chapper I could have bough' a con uv Coke and a fine Block Poodeen Sapper That is, of course if I could stond the teedyass strang of text "Ya wan'een sol' an' vanagar? Eny'heen else? Two-eigh'y! NEXT!" A wander over by the Haugh down to the Bellfield Pork Where local tennas players proctas strokes from dawn 'til dork These days, their treenurs cost the earth, the soles have rabber sackers In my day lads wore plamsoles, and the girls - punk, frully knuckers So there you go, my tale of woe it really is a putty That we should change what was 'the town' into a flameen sutty We should dispel that age-old rumour, source of endless anguish When people say we are "Best speakers of the Unglash longwudge".............Rite enufff

He's been waxing lyrical on P&B too, which probably won't help.... Posted Today, 14:10 I always look forward to going to Paisley as it is very like the Highlands of olde. Inverness has become too cosmopolitan and city dwellers are turning the place in to a venerable "oasis" of culture, attracting top businesses, tourism booms and a feeling of wealth and inevitable opulence. It will not be long before the place becomes the Abu Dhabi of Scotland. I will be travelling in the horse and cart with three of ma muckers. The trap has been banned from Inverness abut nobody bats an eyelid in Paisley. I can park it up in any street and let the neddies **** all over the place - it is pleasingly acceptive to the local folk. And the abundance of troughs on street corners is applauded as well. The other plus is that we will be able to get the old shell suits out of the cupboard. The dress code in the city has also debarred us from the comfort of the apparel but in Paisley, it is a bit like Eastern europe of olde as everybody is in shell suits and ya just blend in. Inverness has become too strict on substance misuse but Methadone and other street drugs are freely available and I am impressed that outlets such as Burger vans and Ice Cream vendors all appear to have a veritable menu available. It is also great to see Syringes back on the shelves of the local shops. I expect Inverness to have at least double figures at the game and that should be enough to promote a heady atmosphere in the hollow Lego environment and the home support will be heavily influenced by the Sponsored silence day promoted by the local Gay and Lesbian Society. And as a Seer I have a recurring dream where the glorious vision of Ross "Cafu" Tokely punching the polluted air as he cracks in a wonder winner in the SPL against his biggest detractors. So please back off the criticisms of Paisley. It is a wonderful reminder of how Inverness used to be.

:laugh: Would he not burn the flowers with his Jetpack? Hi SFL2, hiya pal.

To add to their woes, Jocky's Scott's legal case against Dundee starts this week. Someone was telling me BTW that Jocky now works as a delivery man for a florist. If I can find out which one it is, I might arrange for them (ie Jocky) to deliver a wreath to Dens with the message "Wha's in charge?!"

Yes indeed....Brazilianesque... Good description! Eric's got everything - in a nutshell, the complete footballer.... I've also heard he's the most well endowed guy in the dressing room.

The season isnt a mess but it really could become one very quickly. I've been saying for about 6 years now our pitch is far too big and thus far too open for us to defend well on against decent or athletic teams, being honest there wasnt any of either in the SFL. When we play well, we can also use it to our advantage but typically it doesnt suit our style of play, if the SPL played on 6 a side pitches we would be unbeatable! Apart from set pieces, when was the last time any team spent an afternoon putting decent balls into our box from the touchline? Or us into theres? All the decent balls into the box coem from players cutting in and getting closer to goal. As simplistic as it sounds, on a slightly thinner park theres less distance for a ball to travel and thus its easier to whip a ball in rather than loft it, it sounds too stupid to be true, to me it is. I've made alot of money over the past 3 years gambling on away teams in the SFL when playing at a ground with a plastic pitch. The psychological boost received when running out onto a clean, fresh, perfect astroturf pitch in the middle of winter, after a weeks training in mud and slush, cant be accounted for when considering tactics, the side who doesnt normally play on the decent pitch or rather hasnt recently, is always up for it as theres a genuine motivation there to go out and take advantage. For me, its exactly the same when GOOD teams come to the TCS, they see a huge wide park with all the space in the world to pick out passes or try runs through. When defending, they can do so further up the park as they know any attacks coming in numbers will have to be built slowly, they dont need extra time to react to a long ball as they can see all of our players are the extra 10-15 yards further back and wont support quickly enough to make anything of it. EVen when a full back is beaten on the wing by one of our players they know that they'll have an extra second or two to catch the flight of any cross. I've heard it from fans of all Scottish clubs, even when we were getting beat 3-1 on Saturday- 'its a very difficult place to play'... is it really?! Thats like saying Hampden is a difficult place to play! We should slash 5 yards off both touchlines, take a good 6-7 yards off the goal lines, we'll never see international football at TCS so why the hell do we need an international sized pitch?

I think the easier thing to do is to make the opponents' goal a yard wider and a foot higher, and ours a yard narrower and a foot lower! They'll destroy us in the 2nd half though. No, we swap them at half time when no one is looking! that'll never happen with our quality half time entertainmentt

would someone kindly translate that for one? i'm afraid i haven't a heavenly clue what any of it means!!!!