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GRANVILLE, TOICH AND WILLIAM BELL PRODUCTIONS PROUDLY PRESENT FROM THE CULLICUDDEN COLLISEUM THE CTO FESTIVE FIVES 2019 (THE DOUGAL APPRECIATION CUP) SEMI FINAL STAGE MASSIVE MODERATORS v LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE Team photos taken pre-match. Lizi is in the kitchen cooking her buns This fixture was initially thought to be a friendly encounter and the lesser of the two semi-final ties. The kick-off has been brought forward due to the media attention and 20,000 fake tickets heading to the streets of Inversneckie. Media hype, rumours and counter rumours have brought this world-wide attention. Highland Capital has even started a thread on Pie and Bovril. Paul Chalk has utilized the back two pages of the Highland News whilst he has also invited Gringo and Naelifts to star in his Friday night radio programme. Charlie Bannerman is planning to write a new fairy tale. Tommy Cummings is outraged that a reference has been made comparing the playing surface to a “coos field”. Mantis sprints on to the pitch, attired in a festive mankini. It appears that this may be a statement to counter rumours about his long term groin “problems”. He certainly looks resplendid and is attracting the attention of team-mates Lizi and Old Caley Girl. However Naelifts does not look happy. Is he a Ronaldo in the making ? Remember the old adage – “There is NO I in team”. IBM looks relaxed but he is still in the car park checking out the models and registration numbers. Caley Mad in Berks has slept through most of it and may not have his views known until after the game. Meanwhlie the Moderators massive capitano (Scotty) is enraged that Gringo reads the Scottish Sun, far less advertises the rag. The Cowshed End unravels a banner – “**** Off Gringo – Tory Voter”. Has the ex train driver resorted to dredging the depths ? The game has been further delayed by even more controversy. The "Winers" are furious that the Moderators have listed TM4TJ as TM4TJobbie on their team list. In retaliation Lizi has cancelled their half-time bun order. Even Dougal has offered an opinion. He points out that such a fracas would never have occurred pre-merger and points out that the majority of the transgressors are non-Invernessian. Downinthe dumps and dougiedanger nod in agreement. The game finally kicks off. Unfortunately all the pre-match hype appears to have affected both teams. A drab goal less first half brings an Arsenal type response from the expectant crowd. Gringo looks comfortable and is probably used to a Coventry0 type score board. BUT things are changing in the second half. It has become a bloodbath. It is too much to bear for some of the officials. MoogThurso and Caley Tennis have retired to the relative comfort of Caithness. It has become impossible to keep a check on the yellow card awards. This game is heading to a 0-0 and penalties. Wait a minute. Naelifts breaks away and finds himself in a 1-1 situation with the usually reliable custodian (Yngwie). Naelift swivels his dodgy hips and neatly rounds the flailing keeper and it is going to be a tap in. BUT he appears to have slipped and lost his footing. The camera clearly shows that his boot is covered in ………………… dog **** !!! Naelifts is carried off on a Paramedic stretcher. Lizi and Old Caley Girl attempt to apply First Aid but are again distracted by Mantis’ mankini. WHAT – Stirling Observer has pointed to the penalty spot. Caley 100 agrees so that must mean that Stirling Observer is not a fanny. A late Doofers Dad tackle has been noted. There has been contact with Naelifts and there is a clear streak of dogshit on his socks of DoofersDad. The VER camera is run back and it clearly shows TM4TJ dropping "items" in the box. We have a penalty and the clock has run out. CALEY MAD IN BERKS steps up and sends the goalkeeper the wrong way. There may be questions about the keeper as Yngwie threw himself well before the kick was taken and has, of course, previously shared a bath tub with some of the Winers. He also has a few buns in his pockets !! Gringo and Doofers Dad are awarded red cards. They have clashed on leaving the field. Gringo has noted that Doofers Dad predicted a 1-0 Winers win and a goal to be scored by Caley Mad in Berks. MASSIVE MODERATORS 0 LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE 1 Have we heard the last of Poogate ? Will the moderation of CTO be affected ? Will Kingsmills come back ? Will Naelifts be fit for the final ? How can the second semi-final live up to this ? HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP. ?

GRANVILLE, TOICH AND WILLIAM BELL PRODUCTIONS PROUDLY PRESENT FROM THE CULLICUDDEN COLLISEUM THE CTO FESTIVE FIVES 2019 (THE DOUGAL APPRECIATION CUP) MODERATOR MASSIVE V PIE AND BOVRIL And it is a very warm Black Isle welcome back to the Cullicudden Colliseum and the two remaining Quarter Final clashes to acquire the much sought after Dougal Appreciation Cup. Hislopsoffsideagain has recovered following emergency counselling. Caley Hedgehog has sold out of Dougal memorabilia and Lizi’s buns. Scarlet Pimple, IBM, Snorbenscaleyman and Caley mad in Berks have spent the night under the stars and have gone through every thread in Olde Inverness. But controversy reigns before a ball has been kicked. Highland Capital feels that he cannot spend any time in the vicinity of certain Moderator team members and has announced his withdrawal. He is reminded that a Renegade is “a person who deserts and betrays an organization”. And whoosh it goes in one ear and out of the other. Already a P&B replacement has taken to the field and bdu98196 takes to the fray. The Scarf voices concerns that his team may be facing a 2-0 defeat. TM4TJ looks angry and exhausted. He has been up all night looking for somebody to write a review and a report. Kingsmills has returned following an enforced absence and no vultures can be seen overhead. And at last the game gets under way. The shellshocked P&B outfit are put to the sword. Scarf’s prediction goes out the window as the Moderators thump in three first half goals. GRINGO heads in the opener and opens the floodgates. DOOFERS DAD a second and YNGWIE manages to slide in a third. He is then chased off the pitch by a hysterical Fife woman (again). It has been a quiet night for the officials and VER team. It is so nice to see Caley100 bonding with CaleyTennis and he has only referred to him as a fanny on three occasions. The second half heralds the possibility of a P&B revival. Sophie dribbles her way through and her cutting pass is netted in by SANDY CROMARTY. Sandy is yellow carded for baring his erse to Scotty in a message of sweet revenge. And the comeback is definitely on as bdu98196 delights in providing TARMO KINK with a tap in. Tarmo Kink immediately takes charge of a Best and Worst Goalscorer thread. But the comeback is halted by good old SCOTTY. He nutmegs Sandy Cromarty, flicks the ball over the head of Sophia and back heels it past a lanquishing Tarmo Kink. A fitting ending to the grudge match of the tournament. The Mods have hammered the rockers again – although Gringo disagrees. A despondent P&B outfit depart and will deride CTO in the safety of their own back yards – but will log in to see what the reaction is !! MODERATOR MASSIVE 4 PIE AND BOVRIL 2

The Courier carries a late interview with Summer Wine boss B. Athtub " We will be ready to go again. It doesnt matter who we get. If we want to win this damn thing then we have to beat them all. I hate cliches but its the result that counts. I thought we could have played better against the Droners......the coos field of a pitch didnt help; and some of the decisions!! They are all in there just now; Mantis has a groin problem but this comes as no surprise to any of us. Lizi and Old caley Girl are desperate for a rub down. Tournament joint top scorer Naelifts is looking magnificent and says he has more to give. IBM is off to the bookies...........we're 3/1! Cant go wrong. Its fair to say that our youth policy hasnt paid many dividends of late but you cannae beat experience and we have that in buckets. We are worried about the VER team because Lizi always likes to be on someones shoulder and IBM goes down easily . We may shuffle things about and play Mantis at the back..............hes not got much up top, and despite what folk say.........hes no predator. Naelifts is already shaping to be man of the tourney so , yes.........we are confident"

The Scottish Sun have had information from a reliable source that the Mods player, TM4tJ is training his dug to do a jobbie on the pitch prior to the semi final with Last of the Summer Wine. The Mods strenuously deny these reports stating that the allegation has come about through a misunderstanding when TM4TJ was heard shouting Shit,Shit,Shit whilst watching ICT recently. A club spokesman said TM4JB always picks up his dugs poo, puts it a bag and gift wraps it before sending it to Dingwall. The paper also reports that Gringo and Doofers Dad may be too interested in the NPL and may lose concentration during the match. Again these allegations has been denied. Meanwhile, concerns have been raised in the Last of the Summer Wine camp over glamour boy Naelifts seeking the affections of the two ladies in team. They’re hoping he will be able to concentrate on the game instead of posing.

Storey is pretty guff. He has had about 1 or 2 decent games. Please accept it. He runs fast in a straight line. He started a game up front against Dundee and apparently was ineffective. He has been on the wing since, and has been largely ineffective there. If we had a stronger squad he wouldn't be near the team but we don't. But don't claim he is some sort of Messiah and being unfairly treated by playing on the wing.

GRANVILLE, TOICH AND WILLIAM BELL PRODUCTIONS PROUDLY PRESENT FROM THE CULLICUDDEN COLLISEUM THE CTO FESTIVE FIVES 2019 (THE DOUGAL APPRECIATION CUP) WYNESS SHUFFLE V TRAVEL CLUB HOTSPURS Well the transport theme has taken on a new angle. Wyness Shuffle have been carrying out a pre-tournament podcast in the Culbokie Inn and have arrived in a tractor 2 minutes before the kick off. Nothing feckin new there then. But the Travel Club bring back the memories and turn up in a bedecked Double Decker. Not sure as to who is “Brains” and who is “Doughnut”. And it is on to the game and this is definitely a clash of styles. The staggering and noisy enthusiasm of youth (apart from Red Card) and the debonair, sedate and mature travelers. And the noise in the stadium goes up a notch as the opening goal comes in the very first minute. CaleyStan is still campaigning and trying to enlist new voters from the crowd as Moray Jaggie arrives like the Flying Scotsman and crosses the ball in for HEARACH to outjump Little Miss Moffat and the net bulges. As expected the Shuffle turn to the VER team but are summarily ignored. Tempers fray after that. The usually composed Mary Hill clashes with the tempestuous Lady Kath and they have to be separated by MoogThurso. Striling Observer show yellows to both participants. But it is not long for the equalizer to come. RedCard is on a high and aided by a Mike Ashley umbrella flies down the wing like a modern day Mary Poppins and his delightful though ball is met by RIG who cooly slots home. This continues to be a feisty affair. Weekend Hacker demonstrates the origin of his pseudonym as he hacks down Little Miss Moffat who retaliates and two further yellow cards are shown. Izzy takes both teams aside and rollocks them and suggests that any further bad behavior will lead to an ejection and a ban. This has clearly fired up the transport crew. johnh makes his first contribution to the game with a Ronaldoesque run and fires in a 30 yarder past a laboring CaleyStan. Mary Hill shows his frustration and CaleyStan has 100 lines to complete during the half time break as the Hotspurs retire 2-1 up. Half time entertainment is provided by two original shufflers – Tony Blackburn and Alan Freeman. The younger version decide that the opening track on the next podcast will be “You aint seen nothing yet”. Lets face it this could be Red Card (plus wig) and RIG in a few years time. The second half begins and HislopsOffside again looks shattered. But so do to the aging bus crew who now look more like a late night service to Hilton. But the Shuffle appear to have regrouped and have spent half-time quaffing in the bar and a tactical team talk from that famous manager – Moff !! Lady Fraser looks the worse for wear and admits that she has missed Lizi’s buns at half time. Hearach is still thinking about his goal as he is dispossessed by Mary Hill. He shimmers daintly down the wing and chips delightfully over the advancing Izzy and the final touch is applied by LITTLE MISS MOFFAT who gesticulates to the massed Cullicudden Cowshed. So it is all to play for and the Shufflers are putting on all the pressure and it looks like there is no return ticket for the Hotspurs. But have we talked too soon. In the dying moments MorayJaggie runs like an express out of his goalmouth and his hoof finds johnh clear in a deserted opposition half. His glorious chip hits the underside of the crossbar and appears to have bounced just over the goal line. Everything and everybody stops. It is like watching in slow motion. And then CALEY STAN takes a swipe at the ball as if it was Boris Johnson’s napper and the ball flies all the way down the pitch and into an empty Travel Club net. Now everything and everybody is focused on the VER team. And one can’t help at thinking that there is some funny family business goes on as Caley 100 shouts “It was never over the line ya fanny”. His compatriots agree and the goal is awarded and the final whistle is blown. Izzy and Lady Kath are red carded for bad language. The Wyness Shuffle invite CaleyTennis to be the celebrity on their next podcast. Hislopsoffsideagain has collapsed. And this is merely the end of Day One. FT - WYNESS SHUFFLE 3 TRAVEL CLUB HOTSPURS 2

Just woken up. Don't know if it was all just a dream. But, scoring the winner in the semi-final. I'll take that. Roll on the final, I'll try to stay awake for it.

Latest: "Hurting but proud. Should make the final fans. It was a great and uncredited ball from Mantis that sent me through on the keeper. For my money the **** was from a medium sized dog fed on Chudleys or similar............I would guess a retriever or dalmation if that helps. Slippy stuff! But back to the ball from Mantis........worthy of Sergio Ramos.........he certainly strained every last fibre of elastic and lycra to make that"

Caley Mad in Berks has just ended his post match interview.

When will the controversy end ? We have exclusive pictures of members of both the second semi-final teams CELEBRATING the Winers 1-0 victory.

This is great ? Keep it going guys

But The Mantis is a proven goalscorer at this level, with a wealth of experience and a winner’s medal. You have to question the commitment of flashy players like Naelifts - they come out of the woodwork on the big occasion, but they’re posted missing when the going gets tough. With one solitary appearance all season he must lack the sharpness to take on better sides than the Droners. Can he do it on a wet Tuesday night in Dumfries or will he once more be on the treatment table, or twanging his instrument?

Off to my lawyers...............

GRANVILLE, TOICH AND WILLIAM BELL PRODUCTIONS PROUDLY PRESENT FROM THE CULLICUDDEN COLLISEUM THE CTO FESTIVE FIVES 2019 (THE DOUGAL APPRECIATION CUP) – THE SEMI-FINAL DRAW MASSIVE MODERATORS v LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE WYNESS SHUFFLE v THE YOUNG ONES

GRANVILLE, TOICH AND WILLIAM BELL PRODUCTIONS PROUDLY PRESENT FROM THE CULLICUDDEN COLLISEUM THE CTO FESTIVE FIVES 2019 (THE DOUGAL APPRECIATION CUP) THE YOUNG ONES V HAPPY CLAPPERS Now if you thought that the previous encounter was a grudge match then you may prepare yourself for more of the same. Or perhaps, judging by the chosen modes of transport will it be “A Love-In?”. The teams line up with the match officials and the VER Team – a clear advertisement for “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly”. As agreed prior to the match both sides are attired in festive fancy dress. The Clappers are attired in angel costumes and sparkling Xmas Trees. The young ones are attired as naughty elves and demons, led out by Santa IHE. Gregor offers seasonal felicitations and wishes the Young Ones the best. Alan Simpson responds “You are going down, ya feckers”. And it is the Clappers who are rejoicing first. Huisdean runs down the West Coast and his sublime centre finds roarer who fires it home. A few handshakes ensue, polite pats on the backs and apology to the Young Ones is proferred. Satan’s face turns as red as his outfit. But Satan uses this energy to good use and is running around like a man possessed. His mazy run ends with a neat flick and JACK WADDINGTON equalises (like The Equaliser ?). The Yong Ones and the Young Team support go ballistic. The Clappers applaud politely. Half time comes along and the teams retire to the sanctuary of their respective dressing rooms. Mulled Wine and mince pies are ushered into the Clappers and the singing of “If you are happy and you know it clap your hands” resound. Across the corridor Buckfast and herbal scones (not made by Lizi) are served and the sound of “Youre going to get yer feckin heads kicks in” resounds. And there is more pandemonium at the restart. Wynthank15 crosses and caleyboy heads in from close range. BUT the VER team jump into action. The well known semi happy clappers (!!) downinthedumps and dougiedanger take the decision to disallow the goal. Buster throws a fake hand in to the terraces. Again it looks like a stalemate but again we have a last minute clincher. Robert is dispossessed by Satn (or should it be possessed ?). The ball moves on to IHE and, as prophecied, the pass is converted by BUSTER. More overt the top celebrations ensue. And as the teams troop off – Alan Simpson concludes that it was “too feckin easy”. Robert feels that a draw was the fairer result but he was only too happy that his team had played well. So both teams go home happy. But did they all live happily ever after ?

Quite possibly the most entertaining thread ever .??

Dundee bus on 4th January is free for Supporters Travel Club members. Book early to avoid disappointment.

Get in there!!

It doesn't really matter who we bring in be the same mind numbing hoof forward style defo needing a striker and creative midfielder we really need to make better use of the loan market could also do with shoving a few of the empty jerseys off the gravy train! Should be Robbos last tilt at promotion failure if he's any kinda man he should bolt no compo!