GRANVILLE, TOICH AND WILLIAM BELL PRODUCTIONS PROUDLY PRESENT

LIVE FROM THE CULLICUDDEN COLISEUM

THE CALEYTHISTLEONLINE FESTIVE FIVES 2012

COMING TO A PC SCREEN IN YOUR FECKIN HOUSE ON JANUARY 1ST AND JANUARY 2ND

OPENING GAMES : RED DOT ROVERS V ADMIN ASSHOLLES ; HOWDEN ENDERS V ENGLANDSHIRE ; JEGGIE BESTARDS V OWD WUMMIN ; OVERSEAS ORIENT V CENTRAL BELTERS

PRESENTED BY THE IMMORTAL ONE

Brilliant.

BTW the right team better win the final!

Aye feckin right mun, you've made a rod fer yer own back now.

Who would have feckin believed it - Caley v Thistle - live on Sky Sports from the Munlochy Millenium Stadium, in front of a capacity 25,000 crowd. And they have even provided us with a special studio panel.

No - its not Jeff Spelling - it is the Sneck equivalent - our very own Deaf and Smelling - Charlie Bannerman - resplendent in his school shorts and reling the glories of Top of the Form. He is accompanied by the one and only Terry Butcher, the 2011 Journalist of the Year Ewan Squirrel Murray and on the video link from Canada - our very own Scarlet Pimple - who makes history as the first person in TV history to reuire a 48 size fonted cue card.

Charlie in his Inverness Royal Academy prefect uniform accepting the Top of the Form trophy.

And the CTOFA chairman - Sip Bladder - has changed the rules for television viewing and both sides will be able to take on two legends at half time, whilst replicas of the Heathmount and the Muirtown Motel have been erected at either end of the Stadium.

And both sides have been allowed to take on Management teams - The Howden Enders will be managed by Willie "Bibble" Fraser and Colin Arnott - two of the original Caley Animals and the Jeggie Bestards have chosen Sandy Rose (was he not a Caley Animal ?) and Duncy Munro,

Howden Enders : DJS - Caley100 Mantis IHE - Doresboy - Buckett OldCaleygirl sub: KindofBlue

Jeggie Bestards : Kingsmills - King Beastie GovanJaggie Jaggy 666 - Tichy Blacks Back (TBB) Red and Black Comeback (RBC) - Jagster

And the venerable ADC Kidd blows his whistle and the clash of the titans begins.

As expected the game starts at a furious pace and both DJS and Kingsmills are busy from the off. Both keepers have had a solid tournament and lets hope that DJS' from doesnt crash whereas the jury is out on Kingsmills.

And yet more history is made as CaleyOldGirl becomes the first ever wummin to score in an Inverness derby - although both sets of supporters may suggest otherwise. And it is from one of her trademark scissor kicks that the glorious opener is created.

But - as in the best of derbies - the Jeggie Bestards reply almost immediately - the newbie Jagster runs through Caley 100's legs and his cross is met by King Beastie and the game is on.

Chaos in the Howden End - a double decker bus has parked behind the goals and a "Crout Out" banner has been unfurled by an elegant pensioner in a white suit and a mullet. Charlie Bannerman takes the opportunity to promote his books !!

And on the stroke of half time Buckett raises a roar from the Howden End as he outpaces and outmuscles the Jeggie defence like last orders at the Royal Ordnance and the Blue half of Sneck rejoice

Half Time : Howden Enders 2 Jeggie Bestards 1

The second half starts with the introduction of two legends for both teams - all appear to be incognito - the Howden Enders have a fit looking fifty year old in a Bob the Builder mask and a man in a muppet outfit. The Jeggie Bestards have two players in fancy dress - one dressed up as the Planet of the Apes and one like Plug from the Beano.

But the ever vigilant and knowledgeable Charlie Bannerman notes that the Jeggie legends are not actually wearing fancy dress but are actually Charlie Duncan and Davie Milroy.

But is the effervescent Govan Jeggie who honours the Riach name by equalising after a glorious through ball from Mr Duncan.

The game is getting heated and IHE and Plug Davie Milroy clash. ADC Kidd produces the yrllow card but IHE goes to the bench, picks up a custard pie and splats it in Mr Kidd's face. ADC Kidd sends off Johndo MacKenzie for the 10th time !!

Chaos reigns further as the Northern Constabulary remove IHE and Dewsbury Dude from the stadium on the suspicion that they have both been involved in a betting scam. IHE removed by the police ?!! The Muppet shakes his head and remarks "And he calls me a muppet".

And back on the park the action is as frenetic as ever. But Mantis is caught off-guard whilst taking more photties, runs in to Caley100 and RednBlackComeback completes the comeback and puts the Jeggies ahead.

ADC Kidd looks at his pocket watch and is about to blow the final whistle when Bob the Builder steams through the Jeggies defence and launches a 30 yard bullet in to the top feckin corner. Bob removes his false head and reveals that the hero of the Howden End is actually Billy Urquhart, Some things never change.

Full Time : Howden Enders 3 Jeggie Bestards 3

So even more history as the first ever caley v Thistle clash moves in to Golden Goal Time.

It is nip and tuck but the Jeggies break. Govan Jeggie feeds Charlie Duncan who rounds DJS and

The feckin floodlights have gone off !!

After a 10 minute wait the lights are back on and Willie Fraser proclaims that he had accidentally spilt his beer on the fuse box. Claims and counterclaims abound as Jeggies claim that Duncan netted whilst the Howden Enders claim that Caley100 had reccovered and cleared off the line. Unfortunately we may never know.

And then the Howden Enders break and the exhausted CaleyOld girl puts in the muppet and it's the Golden Goal. And of course the only possible muppet could be Grasser Bennett.

IHE returns from the Custody Suite to pick up the trophy from Marius Niculae. But as the Howden enders celebrate IHE is apprehended again by the Northern Constabulary for allegedly making a racist remark to Mr Niculae.

This is now a very believable tale.

But the real message here is that the glory days of the Howden Enders and the Jeggie Bestards will be fondly remembered but are in the past.

We are now all united under the banner of Inverness Caledonian Thistle - O2feckinB.

Wishing a prosperous and Happy 2012 to Terry and Mo and all associated with ICTFC - even the administrators and the erselickers

Class pure class. Can hardly type for tears of laughter! Happy new yr johndo!

"resplendent in his school shorts and reliving the glories of Top of the Form"

thought you might have used this image !!!!

nonetheless .... an excellent distraction from the non-football of the day . cheers IHE !!! (have a 20% warning credit )

Charlie Bannerman - when did this last happen ?

What... the last ever REAL Caley v Jags Final? The last one I remember is the 1988 Qualifying Cup Final.

Saturday 12.11.88. - Kingsmills Park - Jags 1 (Taylor) Caley 1 (Urquhart)

Saturday 19.11.88. - Replay atTelford Street Park - Caley 0 Jags 3 (D MacDonald, Taylor, Skinner (pen))

Not nearly as entertaining as the one we've just had though!

Edited January 2, 201214 yr by Charles Bannerman

Those days are past now and in the past they must remain but we can still rise now and head up the table again.

Great stuff IHE - but not for the first time, the Jaggies are complaining that Urquhart wasn't properly registered!

Can't believe I scored. First time in years!!!!!!! :love03:

Game 1 - Red Dot Rovers v Admin Asssholes

Red Dot Rovers ; Laurence - Dougal Mahonio - Pull My Finger Dalneigh Caley - subs : 12th Man deadball specialist

Admin Asssholes : Caley D - Scotty Mann4thejob - Alex McLeod Yngwie - RIG

And the legendary ADC Kidd blows to start the 2012 competition.

And we have a record breaking goal in 6 seconds, lashed in by the effervescent Dalneigh Caley which has brought roars of derision from the crowd and sets the scene for the rest of the game. The beaten CaleyD adds 30% to the warn status.

And before the lull can rest Mahonio has notched a second. The wee Wicker has ran on to a through ball by Pull My Finger, rounded Mann4the job and Caley D - which meant he actually had to feckin go via Wick and dinks one in.

But Laurence has been red dotted for the celebration where he has ran from the goal and showed his wrinkled erse to the shocked Scotty. Laurence departs in the belief that it has provided the only bit of entertainment that has been seen in Sneck since his arrival from Broadmoor.

Yngwie gets one back, under suspicion that he has been assisted - like a line out - to head home. He claims that Naelifts was not involved.

Half Time : Red Dot Rovers 2 Admin Asssholes 1

Dougal scores within 4 seconds of the kick off - but is red dotted for his display of a T-Shirt proclaiming "Once a Clacher alwys a clacher".

Rovers bring on dead ball specialist and 12th Man and try to hold out - but RIG also comes off the bench and waxes lyrically about its qualities.

Mann4the job equalises from a free kick which is a reminder fo his hero Blobby - well in stature if not in style.

And with the Golden Goal beckoning Alex McLeod pops up with a late winner. Alex decides to write a poem about the feat which could mean that he will be unavailable until 2013.

FULL TIME : Red Dot Rovers 3 Admin Asssholes 4 - in a game reminiscent of the old Newcastle Brown Ale v Liverpool Sousewives classics.

There is a slight problem with the bit i have bolded lol, i am from Thurso, not Wick, a difference of 20 or so miles but seeing as old age is creeping up on you, i'll let you off lol. Also, i would have been the 1st name on the Red Dot Rovers teamsheet as i have seen a lot of Red, i am surprised i didn't run or complain when i saw a Red Card coming out :lol: .

Edited January 3, 201214 yr by Mahonio

You're off yer feckin trolly.................great craic!!

Donview .. old wummin.! :lol:

Aye good craic! more twists and turns than wilsy going up the wing.

:gettingangry: :toothy: :gettingangry:

What a guy. Brilliant stuff. Hope the final is as filled with drama as has been dished up so far.

Earlier, Scarlet was full of praise for Scotty and Don for increasing the size of the text on here and lo and bleeding behold he's just noticed that he can read the stuff only because he's running the online magifyer at 150% . Ha ! Ha! Ha! .

Happy New Year everybody from an unusually mild and drizzly day here in Western Canada.

from leaving. Jeez, that was some stramash.......

There is a slight problem with the bit i have bolded lol, i am from Thurso, not Wick, a difference of 20 or so miles but seeing as old age is creeping up on you, i'll let you off lol. Also, i would have been the 1st name on the Red Dot Rovers teamsheet as i have seen a lot of Red, i am surprised i didn't run or complain when i saw a Red Card coming out :lol: .

Let's just simplify things and say that Mahonio comes from "Up ee rodd"!

fantastic IHE! missed the GTWB productions...

Brilliants as always, to a point! I will always know it was our cup you Caley fecker!

I've lost count.....how much do I need to add to IHE's Warning %?

Well it was 100% for not letting Admin win, then for each match related post we deduct 10% so I make that a 100% reduction, and of course I gave him a 20% credit so he's now on a -20% warning ..... should be back to zero by the end of the week

Well played IHE!

I think we might have nicked the game but we tired in the end....perhaps I'll leave my snowshoes at home next time.

Donview .. old wummin.! :lol:

Aye good craic! more twists and turns than wilsy going up the wing.

He'll pay for that. With these new hips I'll be back in the Caley squad next season, after building up the muscles kicking his erse!!

FECK!!

Scored in the final and still never won.

It's a conspiracy...

I'm writing to my MSP...

Ah feck it - nice one Johndo! Good work. Again.

To be fair Ender this thread did make me chuckle despite the name calling and it was a far more enjoyable read than the likes off "Against All Odds"

However I reckon you should add another team for next years draw "Old firm old uns" can think off a fair few on CTO who would fit the bill nicely

Dougal

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My, Alex you are showing your age. Is that Morse Code I see before me or Esperanto, pray?

I remember using a living room hand lamp up in my bedrpoom when I was a wee boy to signal a morse code message out the window from Dunain Road to my pal who was sitting at his back bedroom window in his house at Telford Gardens . Brings back memories of a less stressed time and the adventures of youth and exploration. I am not sure whether I saw myself in these exciting days as Biggles or David Livingstone the guy who went up the Zambesi to find the headwaters.

Little did I ever think that I would eventually end up in Canada. Ironically enough I left Blamntyre for the Canadian wilderness and Blantyre vis where david Livingstone had his wee home before he left for Africa.

There you go.

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Careful Alex - some of us ex-mariners are still quite fluent in dots and dashes!!