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Olde Jokes

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Elderly couple in church, wife says to husband "I've just done a silent fart what should I do?"  Husband says "put new batteries in your hearing aid!"

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  I poped round to see an old friend and was surprised to hear that his wife had left him.

"She said she was going out for a pint of milk and never came back"

I asked him how he was coping and he said he was using the powdered stuff.

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On ‎10‎/‎11‎/‎2015‎ ‎20‎:‎22‎:‎10, 12th Man said:


That's your best one yet!

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Marriage as a Senior 
Robert, 85, married Susan, a lovely 25 year old……….. since her new husband is so old, Susan 
decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is 
concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night 
After the wedding festivities Susan prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. 
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready 
for action. 
They unite as one... All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to 
After a few minutes, Susan hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, again he 
is ready for more 'action'. 
Somewhat surprised, Susan consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert 
kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. 
She is set to go to sleep again but, aha you guessed it, Robert is back again, rapping on the door 
and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each 
But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed 
that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of 
your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.' 
Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Susan and says: 'You mean I was here already?' 
The moral of the story: 
Don't be afraid of getting old, Dementia has its advantages.

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Quick thinking!

A man walked into the produce section of his local ALDI supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,
"Some old ******* outside wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy...........
"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players 
"Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand”.

“Really” said the boy, “Who did she play for?”


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A shy young couple are getting married and each is concerned about how to tell each other about hygiene problems they have.  He has very smelly feet and she suffers from bad breath.  Anyway the wedding day comes and after the reception, eventually they are alone in their hotel bedroom for their first night together.

 Being very shy they agree to undress for bed in the privacy of the en suite bathroom.  The boy goes first, and while getting ready for bed he resolves to tell his wife about his foot problem as soon as they are both in bed together.  Back he comes, and she goes in to the bathroom to get ready.

As soon as she returns, the boy gathers up his courage and tells his bride about his problem.  She is extremely understanding and assures him there is absolutely nothing to worry about.  Then she gathers up her courage and says  "Actually, darling, I have a confession to make too".  The boy says " Really, dear, don't tell me, I think I know what it is"

Much relieved, the bride says "I'm so pleased, darling, what do you think it is?"

And he says    "You ate my socks in the bathroom"

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