American humour...

[Johnboy]

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a

youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

[Johnboy]

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the

mrs's felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in

quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving

down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders

and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over

her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the

side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over

her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost

portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side,

then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving

voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

I found the remote," he mumbled.

[Johnboy]

A man was in a long line at his local Walmart store.

As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms,

so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the

register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?'

The customer replied that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his trousers.

He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the

intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Till 5'

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us,

was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the

checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could

have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his trousers.

He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of

medium-sized condoms, Till 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen

was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a

live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the till

he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his trousers and he did.

She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up

The Intercom and said...

you'll love this one...................

Mop and bucket, Till 5'

[Heilandee]

I see what you did with the second one JB  :016:

[Yngwie]

Time for some British humour, this was a sketch on Mitchell & Webb :

The scene is the 1960s, and a housewife is happily washing the dishes whilst listening to the wireless.

Upstairs, the husband furtively closes the bedroom door and curtains. He gets a melon out of the cupboard and proceeds to cut a hole in it. He then drops his trousers and gets down to business.

Suddenly his wife shouts up the stairs "Darling, darling, you won't believe what's happened..........JFK's been shot!"

:029:

[The Mantis]

Were you reminded of that by recent personal experience  :023:

[Johnboy]

Meanwhile back on topic....  :018:

George Bush has started an ill-timed and disastrous war under false pretenses by lying to the American people and to the Congress; he has run a budget surplus into a severe deficit; he has consistently and unconscionably favored the wealthy and corporations over the rights and needs of the population; he has destroyed trust and confidence in, and good will toward, the United States around the globe; he has ignored global warming, to the world's detriment; he has wantonly broken our treaty obligations; he has condoned torture of prisoners; he has attempted to create a theocracy in the United States; he has appointed incompetent cronies to positions of vital national importance.

Now, would someone please give him a blow job so we can impeach him?

[Johnboy]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One

Wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,

she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My

husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.

He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your

problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the

window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he

had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he

started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in

as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had

been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your

clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed

right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you

always wear a condom when you run? "

"Nope.........just when it's raining".

[Guest sophia]

Steady Mantis!

A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it

was dead.

'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.

'Because I pi55ed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child

innocently.

'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it

didn't move'

[Guest sophia]

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,

eating a snack cake The barber says to her,

'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'

She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

[PullMyFinger]

Thought this ws a thread about oxymorons.

[Johnboy]

THE PARKING TICKET

I went to the shop the other day, and I was in there for only

about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a police officer writing a

parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Aww gee officer, how about

giving a man a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a biro sucking d**khead. He glared at me and started

writing another ticket for worn tyres! So I called him a piece of horse

manure.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with

the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes...

The more I abused him, the more infringement notices he wrote.

What did I care....  My car was legally parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.