Communications

[Guest birdog]

Here are some actual complaints submitted by Qantas pilots, and the maintenance crew's responses:

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)

(S = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

These are (apparently) genuine air traffic control conversations...

enjoy!

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make

up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a

727?"

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm

f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself

immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a

Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the

little Fokker in sight."

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll

out after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end

of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe

exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the

airport."

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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard

the

following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in

English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in

Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):

"Because you lost the bloody war!"

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on

frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,

after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of

the

runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,

contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from

Eastern

702?"

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and

yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold

short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled

out,turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted

comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little

plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with

a real zinger:

"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have

enough parts for another one."

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a

short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate

parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the

following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British

Airways 747,

call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747

pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location

now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not

been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I

didn't land."

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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight

departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose

with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,

screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to

turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right

there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C

and D,but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting

hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take

forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I

tell you to!

You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour,

and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how

I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly

silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to

chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of

mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running

high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,

asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

This is my personal Fav!

This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy

aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities

off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio

conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on

10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to

avoid collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the

North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15

degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,

divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND

LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE

ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS

SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES

NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR

COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[+Wanderer]

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=ajq8eag4Mvc&...E8&index=34

[Guest birdog]

I thought it might be too good to be true.

[latviaman]

I thought it might be too good to be true.

The speedbird story is true, he was near retirement when he said the stated words, and when he came back to the flight ready room he used to tell us the story, over, and over blah....