Merger Talk

[Alex MacLeod]

Well dinnae just talk aboot it. Write it. Maybe you could then merge it with HMS Sneck and call it HMS Snerger.

[+Wanderer]

And to think my taxes are spent on GCHQ monitoring this stuff...

[IMMORTAL HOWDEN ENDER]

As Mr Bannerman will attest to writing a fictitious fairy tale takes time, unreliable contacts, dodgy sponsorship support and the inspiration to allow the flow of poetical and emotion producing prose - otherwise known as bullshitt. So this will take some time - as was the case with the revered and Nobel Literature award winning "Tale of the HMS Sneck", my initial goal is to produce the acknowledgements and the background to the author Charlie Binman this weekend.

Do we have any access to "Tale of the HMS Sneck " as it may provide younger and new posters with an insight into the minds of authors such as Charlie Binman. Unfortunately this Grimm Fairy Tale is a prelude to HMS Sneck but similar projects have been successful - such as Superman and Denis The Menace.

[Scarlet Pimple]

Go for it Itchy.

 

I have pleaded with you  long enough to  get the fair ship out of drydock again and back on the glorious main in the quest for victory.

 

The Nelson of the North , never missing a beat, nattily-dressed sailors of both genders in their blue and red pantaloons and shirts climbing with alacrity to the  yardarm  to set the flag of ICT flying bravely. Canons ablazing, dealing negativety in spades to the doughty enemies of the Northern marauders. And winning handily to boot.

 

And, when on the odd occasion they came up against a hard-nosed team of sailors  of equal determination, and paid a heavy price for their courage and passion, they always limped back into port unbeaten and unbowed to the cheers of thousands of delirious Northern Footie fans all hell-bent on lending a hand to repair the damage to the  bulwarks, the scuppers and the gunwales not to mention the reputation of  the always positive Captain ,

 

Only the talented Itchy can produce such funny drivel and have us all in stitches. Lang may yer lum reek and yer right arm be able to splice the main-brace, me hearty **** o' the north.. 

[The Mantis]

 me hearty Cock o' the north.. 

Why just the North       

[IMMORTAL HOWDEN ENDER]

The Granville, Toich and William Bell Corporation (Publishing Division) proudly presents:

 

 

GTWB would wish to emphasise that all characters appearing in this work are fictitious.

Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely intentional coincidental.

[IMMORTAL HOWDEN ENDER]

INTRODUCTION:

 

This fairy tale is about the merger of two clans, the Jeggies and the Howden Enders, who lived in the fabled land of Sneck many years ago. There were actually three clans in existence at that time but the Merkinchers had always preferred to be in-bred and stay in their own part of the Kingdom, mainly becos they were usually too intoxicated to go further and/or barred from everywhere else. The three clans had actually lived together in relative harmony but in different standards of living, financial well-being and numbers. But the Sneck Borough Council, in association with the Inversneck Narcissist Emporium (INE), were under pressure to enter in to the prodigious Scottish Premier League of Family Unity and were determined to unite the clans by whatever means, fair or foul.

 

THE AUTHOR:

 

Charlie Binman was a wee bloke who had worked as a Refuse Collector for the Sneck Borough Council all his life. He was naturally an intrusive and nosey little sod who had spent many years foraging through the refuse disposed off by the businesses and families of Sneck, without even getting his hands dirty. He claimed to have links with all the clans although it was oft suspected that his true allegiances lay with the land of Dungwall across the sea. He was an astute academic however and enjoyed running - but then again he had too on many occasions.

 

 

GTWB Corporation (Publishing Division) would wish to acknowledge the emotional support received from the following sponsors during the production of this fairy tale. Without their support, the project would not have been possible:

 

  

Edited June 24, 2013 by IMMORTAL HOWDEN ENDER

[Kingsmills]

You have lived so long in Englandshire that you have forgotten how to spell burgh.

[Scarlet Pimple]

Mantis--**** of the North because he eats a lot of ****-a-leekie soup which makes him look like a tartan Army type, all brawn and some brains and a pair of great hairy legs..

[IMMORTAL HOWDEN ENDER]

Introduction to the Families of Sneck:

 

THE "MERKINCHERS" had ruled the Ferry and Carse areas for many years and were a rather insular clique. Their realm comprised mainly of council slums houses, inhabited by tribes of Dyces, Stewarts, Burnsides, Corbetts and Rodgers They rarely strayed from the homely atmosphere of establishments such as the Thornbush, the Locheil or the Albion (famed for having Pomagne, Scotsmac and Four Crown on the optics) or their dilapidated meeting place in Grant Street. They rarely fraternised with the Jeggies but were known to join the Howden Enders on forays into Ross-Shire and Morayshire plus "socialising" at the likes of the Strath, the Keppoch, the Ballerina and the Red Shoes, kitted out in the latest fashions sold in the Nicols Emporium in Grant Street

 

They shunned the concept of family Unity and they had already ploughed significant amounts of stolen borrowed well earned spondoolachs in to the survival of their race and keenly wished to maintain their name, history and heritage. Their general presentation anyway was not viewed as the proper advertisement for Family Unity in Sneck by the Sneck Council, the INE and its known associates.

 

 

THE JEGGIES were mainly a middle class collection populating the more distinguished properties in the Crown, Lochardil and Culduthel. Their family presentation was far more what the Sneck Council, the INE and their known associates were looking for. They tended to congregate mainly in the Lounge Bars of the Heathmount, Craigmonie and Corriegarth whilst their main meeting place was peculiarly a dilapidated, falling down area of grass and mud called Kingsmills Park. They did also have a quaint little studio apartment in Baron Taylors Street. They were a very polite and politically correct bunch and preferred to rustle sweeting papers, doff their caps or engage in polite clapping and applause than to sing and tended to prefer picnics, garden parties, watching cricket in Fraser Park or a game of gowf at Culcabock. They were never many in numbers and it was often said that the only time a merry throng was seen in their area was when the Howden Enders stormed loudly up Stephens Brae or the Raining Stairs for family competitions.

 

However the family had some very influential members of the Sneck Community with a load of spondoolachs hidden away for a rainy day. In truth they were "perfect" in the eyes of the Sneck Council, the INE and its known associates and it was decreed at an early juncture that they had to be included in the Family Unit application, by any means, fair or foul.

 

 

THE HOWDEN ENDERS were the vibrant, colourful, gregarious, extroverted, arrogant and oft controversial faction of Sneck. They were simply regarded as the top dogs, "The Rangers of the North". They had considerably more numbers to call on, more financially solid and owned a palatial, historical and revered Meeting Place on Telford Street. They would mass in groups throughout the Kingdom of Sneck, from the Jolly Drover to the Muirtown, from the Fluke to the Crit and the Gellions to the Royal Ordnance. They simply loved life to the full. Their name and reputation was known far and wide. They did not have the family presentation pull that was being sought by the Sneck Council, the INE and its known associates but they did have the numbers, the pulling power, the structure, the history and the finances. They also had the added bonus of a temple of worship on Greig Street (not Diggers but across the road).

 

The Howden Enders had attempted to gain entry to the Scottish Premier League of Family Unit by themselves.They had been willing to sell off their Meeting Place to El Fahid and the Harrods Group and had approached the Sneck Council for a lease and/or financial support. The plan was to build a better Meeting place in the aptly named Northern Meeting Park. But little were they aware at the time that the Sneck Council, the INE and its known associates had already been plotting their visions and the Council voting processes around that application were the start of voting scenarios thereafter. Lets just say "Frigging in the Rigging"  . Unfortunately several of the elders of the Howden Ender clan had already been singled out for special attention by the powers to be, known to those in the know as "The Longshanks Project.

 

TO BE CONTINUED  

[IMMORTAL HOWDEN ENDER]

And this is where the INE, solidly backed by the Sneck Council and its known associates began to take control of this fairy tale and did so in a majestically shrewd, calculated and manipulative manner. A leading light in the Jeggie camp was quoted as saying - "It makes good sense for the families to investigate ways of bringing forward the best outcome for Sneck and in doing so strengthen our prospects of being included in the SPL of Family Unity". It would appear at the time that the initial response from a Howden Ender elder was misquoted and should have read - "really excruciating" .." the big parrot is waffling about SPL status".

 

A "Steering Committee" with a dodgy wheel and axle were "voted" in by the Sneck Council, the INE and its known associates. It was to be led by a spinster called Piano who was a "white witch" and joined by her boss Gormless Corduroy and they recruited some Sneck Council members and declared themselves to be "Honest Brokers"      . Piano soon recruited Elders from the Jeggie and Howden Ender families and she used her mystical and psychopathic powers to entice all of them under her mesmerising, tantalising and lucrative spell. They were soon to be known as Piano "Snow White" and the Seven Smurfs.

 

 

From Left to Right: Norman Normal, Charlie Custard, Piano (INE), Big Jimmy, Big Jock, Scotty Burnt, Grout and Gair the Bear.

 

They quickly announced that "The prospect of creating Family Unity was prime amongst the several benefits perceived by the INE (and its known associates). This simply enimated (as from an anus) from the pure joy of seeing the Land of Sneck named as a member of the SPL in accordance with economic ambition".     :lol:  They even achieved to ridicule a poll ran by the Sneck Snoop newspaper that had identified that 96% of the inhabitants of the Land Of Sneck opposed the merger. It was decided that there was "something not right".      

 

Some local family meetings were held and the Merkinchers, as expected, were booted out allowed to vote out of participation. And despite it being clear that the Howden Enders were contributing at least 70% of the assets, 80% of the membership and 90% of the fundraising capacity it was felt that there was no grounds for Monopoly   :lol:  - or Jenga or Cluedo    

 

The local Sneck Council, the INE and its known associates then hired the renowned Financial Consultant firm of Piggott and Dodd to look into the finances of the two families and reported that they were both in the mire despite "losing" the Jeggie paperwork - presumably lost in a fire. And then a prestigious and influential declaration was made by a very well respected assembly of public figures. The statement read " On the basis of the members of both families agreeing to the merger and a joint application being made for membership of the SPL of Family Unity, the Sneck Council, the INE and its known associates give a firm commitment to work together to identify a unified Family meeting place on the A9/A96 corridors". This document was signed by Winston Churchill, Queen Elizabeth 11, the Pope, Ian Paisley, the Dalai Lama, Buddha, the Bay City Rollers, Rod Stewart, Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Jim Leishman.

 

TO BE CONTINUED (MAYBE  )

[Scarlet Pimple]

Enimatic IHE?

Do you mean" anime", perchance (Japanese cartoons)?

Or enigmatic which rhymes with inscrutable , another Japanese trait.

Or Enema which engenders a rush of blood to the ...head? I think.

And if not, it must mean the pressured exit of blood from another orifice which will make you .....

ANAEMIC?

Gawd, How I love this website. Brilliant man, as in brilliantine for bald men known to have side effects such as new hair growth

Or brigantine (ICT's ship. the HMS Sneck)or.......?

[IMMORTAL HOWDEN ENDER]

^{The family meetings to discuss whether the families should merge or not were held in differing cirumstances. The Jeggies met in the small conservatory in the Rannoch Lodge and there were two unused rocking chairs. The Howden Enders were packed like sardines in the expanse of the Function Room at the Muirtown Motel.}

 

^{The Sneck council,the INE and its known associates had circulated a well thought out, devious and manipulative set of proposals which were deliberately very biased in towards the Howden Enders. They had expected that the beguiling influence of Piano on the Jeggie Elders would make their vote plain sailing but they believed that it needed more than wining, dining and wooing to win over the Howden Enders. The Sneck Council, the INE and its known associates also decided to put in a false "carrot" of a ready made, palatial home for the united families to live happily ever after in.}

 

^{At first the underhand tactics appeared to have won the day The Jeggies had voted 6 fans to 2 fans whereas the hundred + Howden Enders were practically split down the middle and the vote to unite was crowned by the Howden Ender members of Snow White and the Seven Smurfs. The"No" voters in the Howden Ender families were soon to be known as "The Righteous".}

 

^{But the Sneck Council, the INE and its known associates were shocked when Deputy Dawg from the Sneck Sherriff Court threw a poke into the wheel by informing the Land of Sneck that the influenced proposal and vote could only be viewed as a statement of intent rather than a formal decision.}

 

^{Poor Piano and her INE masters had mud on their face and had to retract their initial victory statement. Even a famous Sneck Historian began to consider that there was a scam in the air and later wrote that "Piano's statement conveyed the impression that her beloved INE were purely looking at this on business terms".}  

 

^{So "The Righteous" awoke and vowed to fight till the bitter end. Their divisionary tactics began as they interrupted a family picnic gathering in Rothes by a "sit-in" protest on the central tartan rug and throwing sausage rolls and mini quiches at the quivering locals and singing derisory ditties in the direction of the Smurfs and their associates.}

 

^{The Sneck Council, the INE, its known associates and some dubious members of the local press took the opportunity to blow the petty fracas in to a vicious rebellion and portrayed the Righteous as Rebels and began to try and ruin their reputation. But despite what the Righteous lacked in the required political influence they were more than prepared to stand their ground and became a real pain in the erse. After all the earlier Howden Ender proposal to go alone and relocate at the Northern meeting Park had been quickly squashed and now a similar proposal was on the feckin table.}

 

^{The Sneck Council, the INE and its known associates decided that the Righteous did not have the legal savvy to compete and set ridiculous time boundaries on the completion of the vote to tie in with the delivery dates for applications to the Family Unity Society. But then the Righteous pulled a mighty rabbit out of the hat - a renowned solicitor who was known to take on odd roles and would also fight to the finish - as long as the spondoolachs reflected the plight. In to the fray came:}

 

^{TO BE CONTINUED}  

[buckett]

 

 

I always knew the truth would emerge, eventually!!!

[dougiedanger]

Anyone mind the last game at Huntly?

 

Was a sad day.

[IMMORTAL HOWDEN ENDER]

It will be remembered in the fairy tale soon !!

[dougiedanger]

It will be remembered in the fairy tale soon !!

[The Mantis]

Anyone mind the last game at Huntly?

 

Was a sad day.

http://www.caledonianfc.co.uk/finalseason.htm

[IMMORTAL HOWDEN ENDER]

 

 

So who exactly were the Righteous - The Sneck Council, the INE, its known associates and members of the local press revelled in portraying them unfairly as unruly, troublemaking diehards. They were in fact average Joe Publics, devoted to the traditions and history of the Howden End who simply felt that they were being unfairly treated and represented and were willing to "die" for the cause. The Howden Enders never hated the Jeggies. It was a local rivalry that embodied banter rather than friction or altercation. The Howden Enders simply viewed themselves as being superior and felt that they could progress in their own right and if there was to be a merger that they would be the landlords and the Jeggies the lodgers.

 

The Howden Enders were further angered and embittered by the news of the other four applicants to the Family Unity Society - the scum of Morayshire, the gypos of Ross-shire, an isolated rugby town in the Borders and a leper colony spilling in to England. The Howden Enders again felt that they were superior to all four and felt that if that bunch of numpties could go it alone then so should they. Even the Jeggies, on their own, had more feckin tradition.

 

It was then that Mr Beaumont found a potential "hole" in the dam being cemented by the Sneck Council, the INE and its known associates. There needed to be a 2/3rd majority vote by the Howden Ender family in order to release the family silver. The clearly rattled Sneck Council, the INE and the local press attempted to ridicule the attempt and tried desperately to prevent the disclosure to spread. Their apparent scheming was to dish the dirt, delay, delay, hit the bestards in their pockets, delay, delay, ridicule, blame, blame, delay, delay.

 

The application date to the Family Unity Society had closed but the Righteous were quite happy to plod on as the Pride of the Highlands and wait for another opportunity to go it alone nationally. The intent of the Sneck Council, the INE and their known associates was to split the Howden Ender family and create friction and disharmony. The splitting tactic was working but the Righteous simply became stronger, determined and more supported.

 

The side show battle between Piano and Beaumont brought some surprising similarities in that they were both single, had no concept for family values, were clearly in it to make a bob or two and were both used to being in a ruck and sticking their heads up the erses of props and hookers.

 

Then the powers to be nationally, evidently influenced by the Sneck Council, the INE and their known associates attempted to ban a faction of the Howden Enders from attending any further family outings based on their behaviours at the Rothes Tea Party. The Howden Enders were due to play the Merkinchers in a Croquet match at the Telford Street Temple and the ban on the aforementioned "offenders" was placed. Boy "The Traitors in the stand were in fer a feckin shock as that tactic only gave rise to:

 

 

From Left to Right - Lizi, Young CaleyGirl,Mantis, the Black Douglas,John Drunken,Rod the Mod and Kenzers

 

The caption underneath displays a Howden Ender Elder and one of the Seven Smurfs - Shuggie Grout - trying to prevent the "crew" going down Telford Street.

 

And after the Croquet march the Bus and a following convoy headed to Farraline Park and the Battle of Rosie Street.

 

TO BE CONTINUED

[Charles Bannerman]

If I had known that IHE was possessed of such revisionist talents, I probably wouldn't have bothered writing a word back in 1997 in anticipation of this entertaining epic.

But on the other hand one suspects that without his copy of Against All Odds, IHE might just be lacking a template on which to base this revisionist peroration!

 

I wonder if he will manage to progress his tale as far as the opening of the Caledonian Stadium and winning the Third Division title before the "real" football starts again on August 3rd?

Edited July 2, 2013 by Charles Bannerman

[IMMORTAL HOWDEN ENDER]

Whoosh - perhaps this was intended to be caustic parody - a fairy tale that was ironically far closer to the truth than previous factual publications. The fairy tale comes to a sad conclusion on 14/05/1994. Your avid interest and literary acclaim is however appreciated. Read on and learn.

[+bughtmaster]

Don't you be worrying now IHE, it is a fine tale you are telling.

 

If C B gets too cocky you can always sue him for breach of copyright.

Of course it would have to be done in retrospect as he obviously looked into the future aided by his modern gadgets when he wrote his version.

 

We don't, howeffer want any sad conclusions at all at all, surely there must be a happy ever after finish. it is ICT you are writing about, such a fine Team they are.

[IMMORTAL HOWDEN ENDER]

The internal family  friction within the Howden Enders only heightened and Family Mediation orders were being served left, right and centre. This of course could only lead to further division and tension and fell straight in to the advantage of the forever goading Sneck Council, the INE and its known associates.

 

The clan membership suddenly rose from under 200 and close to 500 and this was ridiculed by many. The simple fact was that a “Call to Arms” had been sent to Howden Enders across the Globe and many had answered the call. The other reason was that the opposing faction had proffered freebies  to “ringers” and false hands were a big sell.

Another influence was to be false promises from the Sneck Council, the INE and its known associates. Piggott and Dodd compiled another “reliable” financial report on the eve of the Gathering. The final audit had been carried out by Ronnie Biggs. The INE, who had no monies to provide to the Howden Enders previously, suddenly came forward, again on the eve of the gathering, with options for a palatial new palace for the Howden Enders and the Jeggies to live in happily ever after. The spondoolachs were being flashed. The Sneck Council, the INE and their known associates were flexing their muscles, using psychology at its manipulative best and announcing “There can only be one” and brandishing a business Samurai in readiness to lop the head of the Highlander HowdenEnder.

 

And to appease the Jeggies and rile up the Howden Enders they announced that the family leads of the united families would be Big Jock and wee Scotty from the Jeggie fraternity. They had even recruited Dynamo the Magician who changed the deeds of the Kingsmills Meeting Place from the name of the Church of Scotland to the Jeggies and the Sneck Council, the INE and its known associates  named Kingsmills as the new Family Meeting Place. They also offered new wellington boots, nose pegs and benzodiazepines to anyone wishing to go up the hill. That fitted in well with the “Fools from the Hill” terminology.

 

It was clearly also non-sexist days as wummin were not allowed to walk in to the inner sanctity of the Jeggies -  apart of course Piano “Snow White”.

 

The Gathering at Rosie Street  was compared to battles of the First or Second World Wars but to the more astute Howden Enders this was The Alamo, Beaumont was Davy Crocket and the Righteous would stand their ground on the parapets.

 

 

     "It's amazing what a little harmony can do !!"

[IMMORTAL HOWDEN ENDER]

The Battle of Rosie Street really was a “no win” for the Righteous and their supporters. The decision to unite the families had clearly been decided and retrospectively, the evening turned in to a bit of a sham and only served to stoke the fires of dissent and discontent amongst the Howden Ender family.

 

There were several types of Howden Ender at that meeting – The Righteous who were there to fight to the bitter end and back the Howden Ender alone movement – the Elders and their flock who did not wholly realise at the time that they were being duped with promises of control in the new Family Circle and that the traditional Howden End philosophies and traditions would still be adhered to for years to follow – the Howden Enders who viewed the “fight” to be futile and lost - and the Howden Enders who were fed up with the whole sorry debacle.

 

BUT, to a man, woman and child they all did not want the Howden End family to be eradicated and the large majority did and still do believe that the Howden Enders on their own could have become a major family Unit nationally.

 

The evening was disorganised and discredited from the off – the first proposal was to de-bar the petty sausage and quiche chuckers of Rothes. The mere fact that this ludicrous decision was not overturned showed that there were clearly political influences at large. Especially as many months later all the perpetrators were given Absolute Discharges by the legal system.

 

Again there appeared to be political overtures to the vote to allow Billy Beaumont to stay, especially taking in to account his climb down in the following weeks.

Then there was the key vote of the Domino League squad who had previously been voicing a fair degree of support to the cause of the Righteous. Lo and behold they voted for the merger unanimously and declared that they had not been instructed to do so.

 

And then the decision moved from a 66% majority to a 50% majority and the “official result” was 250 to 226 – 52.5 %. An outcome clearly reached due to the “types” of Howden Enders present and a fair degree of unknown family members who nobody had seen before the meeting and never saw them again after the meeting.

 

There continue to be months of political shenanigans, mainly pertaining to assets. Even the Jeggies were enraged, declaring that the union was more like a takeover than a merger. It was just a never clever ploy of the Sneck Council, the INE and its known associates to dub the new family as the Howden Enders and blue to their roots. And it worked as some of the Righteous feel fer it and the declarations made prior to the Battle of Rosie Street took a significant U-Turn.

 

The rest of the political manoeuvres are mainly boring and by now guessable. But as the last Howden Ender trooped out of Rosie Street the Howden Ender Family was probably aptly put on a Life Support Machine.

 

 

 

TO BE ENDED

[caley100]

  Brings a wee tear to me eyes....