Education standards continue to improve.

[Johnboy]

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire ( U.K. )

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons

A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink

A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans

A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on

A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections

A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age

A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty

A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes

A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination

A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour

A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U (What the *!!*???)

Q. What is the fibula?

A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?

A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control

A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'

A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?

A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness

A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning

A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?

A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

[Guest]

Whilst using Google to try to verify the authenticity of these "genuine" Q&As I found lots of evidence to suggest that these are old jokes doing the rounds for a few years on the tinternet. However I also found the following on a page (three years old) containing the same list from the OP.

"Apocryphal Metaphors from Student Essays"

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other

sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances

like underpants in a tumble dryer.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that

used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the

door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a

bowling ball wouldn't.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag

filled with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the

center.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when

you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced

across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one

having left York at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from

Peterborough at 4:19p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after

the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who

had also never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin

sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a

play.

The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap,

only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the

interview portion of Family Fortunes.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this

plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not

eating for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a

student on 31p-a-pint night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either,

but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land

mine or something.

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can

tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog

makes just before it throws up.

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one

had ever seen before.

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in

her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook

MP, Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee

hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender

leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated

because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a

surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating

electric fan set on medium.

It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids

around with their power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells,

as if she were a dustcart reversing.

She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was

room-temperature British beef.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a

first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band

tightened.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple

it to the wall.

[Yngwie]

I take the approach that if anything emanating from the internet claims to be "genuine", its definitely a hoax or made up. And if it doesn't claim to be genuine, its almost certainly a hoax too.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

I do like that one, like.

[Guest]

Now this is a funny essay answer to an exam question.

Edited to remove the last page of the essay as it contained an inappropriate web address

Edited December 2, 2009 by Birdog2

[Guest]

After badly bruising my ribs during a lifeboat exercise the following had me in a LOT of pain.

Edited December 2, 2009 by Birdog2

[The Mantis]

[TopSix]

*yawn*

If you want some really sad information - a 13 year old asked me what a skyscraper was today.

That's how bad it's getting.

[Guest]

*yawn*

If you want some really sad information - a 13 year old asked me what a skyscraper was today.

That's how bad it's getting.

Don't like the tread? Don't participate.

[alternative maryhill]

Whilst using Google to try to verify the authenticity of these "genuine" Q&As I found lots of evidence to suggest that these are old jokes doing the rounds for a few years on the tinternet. However I also found the following on a page (three years old) containing the same list from the OP.

"Apocryphal Metaphors from Student Essays"

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other

sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances

like underpants in a tumble dryer.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that

used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the

door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a

bowling ball wouldn't.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag

filled with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the

center.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when

you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced

across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one

having left York at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from

Peterborough at 4:19p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after

the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who

had also never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin

sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a

play.

The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap,

only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the

interview portion of Family Fortunes.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this

plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not

eating for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a

student on 31p-a-pint night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either,

but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land

mine or something.

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can

tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog

makes just before it throws up.

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one

had ever seen before.

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in

her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook

MP, Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee

hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender

leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated

because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a

surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating

electric fan set on medium.

It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids

around with their power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells,

as if she were a dustcart reversing.

She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was

room-temperature British beef.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a

first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band

tightened.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple

it to the wall.

Thank you, birdog. You've just provided me with the basis of a very promising lesson on metaphor and simile.

Some of these are genius: I'd be delighted if my pupils came up with them