A JOKE !!!

[f*ballers wife]

oh my!!!

i did ask... but there was a Q!!! :015:

[f*ballers wife]

oh my!!!

A middle aged man bought a brand new convertible Porsche. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 160 and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.

But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a police car behind him, blue lights flashing.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 km/hr to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, what the **** am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the drivers side.

"Sir, my shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back."

The policeman said, "Have a nice day."

[CaleyJulz]

Jane lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter constantly urges her to get back into

the dating world. Finally, Jane says she'll go out, but doesn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it's an immediate hit. They really like one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the mountains.

Their first night there, she undresses as does he. There she stands nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, while he is in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." the following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on and he is in his birthday suit...except that he has a black condom over his erection. She looks at him and asks, "What's with the black condom?" He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

[f*ballers wife]

oh my!!!

:015: :015: :015: :021: :015: :015: :015:

[Heilandee]

man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman

standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most

- cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Beertits," he said

[gordyfromsneck]

Apols if you've heard this oldie. Apols also if it offends.

....

The priest was walking along the quayside when he stops for a chat with a fisherman. "Father have you ever been out in a boat before?" quizes his nautical pal. "No" replies the cleric, I don't think I have" So the priest hops in. The priest tries his hand and is surprised to feel a twitch on his line. The fiserman helps as he hauls in a big one, "Jeez" he comments, "This is a big ******!" The priest looks shocked so the fisher, backtracking, explains that the sailors name for this type of fish is a "******", and its not a swear if used in this way. Relieved, the priest, comes ashore, and is given the fish for his tea.

He is walking along the road, when who should he meet but the bishop. "Cmon to my house, bish," says the priest, "and have abit of this big ******". The bishop is astonished, but accepts the priest hurried explanation, that it is by no means heretical to call the fish by this name. The bishop, who has done a bit of fishing in the past agrees to come back, and even offers to gut and clean the unfortunately named fish.

They are just about to enter the priest abode when, who should they meet but the mother superior. The priest, ever generous offers a portion to the lady. "Come and have a bit of this ******" he offers. The maidenly cleric gasps, "Father, have you taken leave of your senses?" "Nonono, the sailor told me this..." and again, he explained the name of the fish and how it was all quite legit. The boss nun was a gourmet cook prior to taking up orders and offers to do the preperation of their meal.

They do their bits, and are just about to tuck in, when the phone rings. It is the Pope! He is coming round right now and he wants hospitality. He arrives and they split their piscine feast four ways, feeling pleased to share their good fortune with the pontiff.

"That" says Il Papa," was quite the best meal I have had in a long time. Who made it?"

"Well" says the priest, "I caught the ******!"

"I gutted the ******!" says the bishop.

"And I cooked the ******!" adds the mother superior.

The Pope surveys their faces, before leaning back in his chair. He reaches into his bag, pulls out a six pack of lager, a lump of something and a carton of fags.

"You know something." He says, smiling broadly, "You ***** are alright!"

....

[f*ballers wife]

oh my!!!

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and

sees that she is no longer pregnant; frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins!..... A boy and a girl.

The babies are fine now however they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately - your brother came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus no, not me

brother...he's a fecking, clueless, gobshite!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"

"Denise," says the doctor.

The new mother is somewhat relieved "Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother....I like Denise."

Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew

[Johnboy]

How did Gordy get away with the "C" word?

[gordyfromsneck]

ahahah

I wondered that too, Johnboy and the "F" word. In fact, I wondered if it would make any sense at all, once the robot censor got to it.

[Johnboy]

Robot Censor obviously appreciates a good story....!!

:015: :015:

[f*ballers wife]

oh my!!!

one for you JB!

Wee Glesca wumman goes intae a butchershop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his rear end aimed at an electric fire.

The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks, "Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?"

"Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's Ah'm heatin'."

took me a minute or two... i know, i'm slow! :016: