Laughter, the best medicine

[absent friend]

Can I assume that the lack of funnies on here at the moment is indicitive of the concern felt for the teams performance or is it just a coincidence.

If I am correct I hope we have a few good results shortly as I need cheering up!

[Johnboy]

I clicked onto Absent Friend's post hoping, at the very least, there might have been a joke here.....

but perhaps he doesn't know any.....

I wouldn't wish him any harm of course, in fact I hope that he, like my grandfather, dies peacefully in his sleep - and not screaming hysterically like all the passengers in his bus on that fateful day...... :015: :015:

[Heilandee]

Meh favourite wee chuckle was from the continuity announcer at the end of a Johnny and Fanny Craddock cookery show in the 70's when he famously said" goodnight folks and I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fannies"

still maks me chuckle.....Skool boy humour DSC  :015:

[Johnboy]

I'm old enough to mind seeing that one..... H/Dee....  :015:

Way back in May, I had a wee golf holiday, in Donegal, Ireland.... One of the hotels we stayed in had a brilliant notice pinned up on the wall behind the reception desk....    It read...

"24 hour room service available from 6pm till midnight"

:017: Only the Irish could come up with somthing like that.....  :004:

[Heilandee]

  :015: Bit like the sign that used to be on the Glenshee ski road.....

IF THIS SIGN IS COVERED BY SNOW,THE ROAD AHEAD IS UNPASSABLE  :006:

intending a golf tour in Ireland,ya recomend any good courses outwith the main "biggies"

Jonboy?

[Alex MacLeod]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town called Weipa. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little prick on your knee."

[Alex MacLeod]

A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.

The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."

The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"

Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"

She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"

She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"

The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You've just got a broken finger."

[Alex MacLeod]

And one just for Heilandee:

A blonde on Who wants to be a Millionaire

Chris: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - £500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million pounds if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to £32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Chris: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million pounds."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Chris, just to be sure.

Chris: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Lochee."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Chris: "Hello Maggie, its Chris Tarrant here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on £500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Chris: "Well, do you want to stick on £500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Chris: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Chris: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Chris: "Barbara.....you had £500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION POUNDS.

Here is your cheque. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

[Alex MacLeod]

England joke

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Out on her royal yacht the queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark.

Through her binoculars she could see it was Christiano Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark! The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in time.

At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white England tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ...... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.

On reaching the yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries." She knighted them and sailed away.

As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"

"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country."

"Well," Rooney replied, "she knows f*ck all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up?"

 

[absent friend]

On the evidence of the above, the teams support is in good heart!!

Thanks!

[Johnboy]

Absent friend  : You set up this topic... Would it be too much to expect you to post a joke on it..??

[absent friend]

Absent friend  : You set up this topic... Would it be too much to expect you to post a joke on it..??

I am just a very appreciative audience, Johnboy and story telling is not one of my strong points.

I do wonder however:

Who looked at a cow for the first time and said 'I'm going to pull the dangly bits'?

or

I'm going to eat what comes out of a hens arse?

or

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares why do they write a song about it?

or

Why do people point to their wrist when asking the time but never to their crotch when asking for the bog?

or

Do illiterate people get alphabet soup at a reduced price?

Life is full of puzzles.

[Johnboy]

Absent friend  : You set up this topic... Would it be too much to expect you to post a joke on it..??

I am just a very appreciative audience, Johnboy and story telling is not one of my strong points.

Yes I see what you mean.... Still at least you made an effort.....

One here from the US.......

LITTLE OLD LADY IN COURT......

District Attorney : Will you please state your age?

Little old lady : I'm 86 years old....

D.A.  Tell us, in your own words what happened on the night of April 1st?

Little old lady : Well I was sitting in my swing on my front porch, when a young man came up and sat down beside me.

D.A. : Did you know him?

Little old lady : No, but he sure seemed friendly....

D.A. :  What happened after he sat down?

Little old lady  :  He started to rub my thigh....

D.A.  :  Did you try & stop him?

Little old lady  :  No...

D.A.  :   Why not?

Little old lady  :  It felt good... Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago....

D.A. :  What happened next?

Little old lady :  He began to rub my breasts....

D.A.  :  Did you try & stop him then?

Little old lady  :  No...

D.A.  :  Why not?

Little old lady  :  It made me feel alive & excited... hadn't felt that good in years...

D.A.  :  What happened next?

Little old lady  :  Well, I was feeling all spicy... I just lay down and told him "take me, young man, take me"

D.A.  :  And did he take you?

Little old lady  :  **** no... He just yelled "April Fool" at me.... And that's when I shot him, the little b'stard....

[The Mantis]

Transcript from Aussie Weakest Link.....

CORNELIA (the hostess): "Michael, why Robin?"

MICHAEL: "Well he struggled with a few easy questions and missed

a really simple one."

CORNELIA: "Graham, why Robin?"

GRAHAM: "He's about the dumbest bloke I've ever met."

CORNELIA: "Claire, why Robin?"

CLAIRE: "He's a total goose."

CORNELIA: "Well Robin, you missed three questions in the last round,

and didn't bank a cent.  You really are a complete moron aren't you?

I hope you're proud of yourself. What could you possibly have to

say for yourself........?

Here's what

[absent friend]

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.

They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Inverness, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah,that sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You tink that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, dere's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you into the back office and you get laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No, not exactly" replies the Irish guy, "sure me missus told me about it!"

[absent friend]

The Snug was playing host to the Thursday night drinkers.  A toasting competition was the order of the night and a bottle of Irish for the winner.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest

of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and Mary, his wife, asked him to explain away this bottle of Irish.

"I won the prize for the Best  toast of the night" he replied with his chest stuck out.

She said, "Sure, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the

street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the

other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Sure and was he not telling me himself last night, and I was a bit surprised myself.  You

know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[absent friend]

A guy goes to a fancy dress party and knocks on the front door of the house.

The door is answered by the host, who looks at the guy who's in nothing but Y fronts.

''This is a fancy dress party'' says the host.

''I know'', says the guy.  ''I'm a premature ejaculation.''

The confused host says ''I'm sorry you'll have to explain.''

So the guy says ''Simple really, I've just come in my pants.''

[absent friend]

See - a 4-1 win can even affect me!

:015:  :clapping04:

[Heilandee]

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors

"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.

"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.

"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.

"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.

"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.

"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

Well, have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.

"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"

"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Then there can be only one explanation,” said the doctor.

This is good - wait for it

“Your mother must have been a carrier"

[absent friend]

Subject: Fw: The Meaning of Tragedy.....

Prime  Minister, Phoney Blair, was visiting a primary school and he visited one  of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to  words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion  on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for  an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm,  is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that  would be a 'tragedy'". " No," said Blair, "that would be

an accident."

A  little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be tragedy." "I'm  afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "That's what we would call a  great loss."

The  room went silent. No other children volunteered. Phony  searched the room.  "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"

Finally,  at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he  said: "If the aeroplane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a  tragedy.

Fantastic!"  exclaimed Phony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell be why that would  be a tragedy?" "Well,"  says the boy "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f ** king accident either."

[Scotty]

:015: :015: :015:

[Johnboy]

You're getting better at this, Absent Friend....!!!  :clapping04: :clapping04: :015: :015:

[The Mantis]

The teacher asks the class for a sentence with the word 'contagious' in it.

After a long, long delay, wee Johnny, who has been sitting there for ages, wondering how none of the swots have answered such an easy question, puts up his hand.

The teacher is delighted to see him trying for once and asks for his sentence.

"Well miss, the guy next door was painting the fence last week. My dad looked out the window and says 'look at that, he's trying to paint the fence with a half inch brush. It'll take the contagious!' "

[Johnboy]

FOUR FRIENDS AT A PARTY

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.  After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.  The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy.  He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.  He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of

the company.  He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy.  He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot.  Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets.  He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific!  My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer.  Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire.  He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. .What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed.  He's my son and I love him.  And he hasn't done too bad either.  His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

[broomie boy]

a woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her f***y on her wedding night, so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. after an hour in bed with her he said "just how far a accross the f*****g field were you before you realised?"