Jokes thread

[ICTBTTH]

Whats the difference between Wendy Richards and Jade Goody?

With any luck, about a fortnight

What do ye call Jade Goddy in a wedding dress?

A Shuttlecock.

The Press Complaints Commission say that despite receiving over 60 complaints about OK! magazine publishing a 'tribute issue' to Jade Goody even though she isn't dead yet, they will not be holding an investigation.

They have suggested a compromise, however. They've offered to kill her.

Edited March 19, 2009 by ICTBTTH

[PullMyFinger]

Whats the difference between Wendy Richards and Jade Goody?

With any luck, about a fortnight

What do ye call Jade Goddy in a wedding dress?

A Shuttlecock.

The Press Complaints Commission say that despite receiving over 60 complaints about OK! magazine publishing a 'tribute issue' to Jade Goody even though she isn't dead yet, they will not be holding an investigation.

They have suggested a compromise, however. They've offered to kill her.

You're going straight to hell.

[absent friend]

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Malcolm the Dragon Slayer was obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Malcolm revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Malcolm to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Malcolm readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch; and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Malcolm would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Malcolm. Horatio then slipped Malcolm the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Malcolm worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Malcolm left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Malcolm found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied, Malcolm couldn't have cared less; and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh told him to go away, .... off! The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Malcolm.

The moral of the story :- Pay your dues.

[The Mantis]

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave her very own hard hat and gloves.

At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

"You must have worked very hard to earn all this", said the bank cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men building a big house."

"My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?"

The little girl thought for a moment and said...

.....................

"I think so. Provided those w*nkers at Jewsons deliver the f*cking bricks."

[CaleyMad]

brewster wife

[CaleyD]

Just heard that from now on 69 is to be referred to as 96.

It would seem that the current economic climate is driving up the cost of eating out!!!

[The Mantis]

Have to admit I got this one from Jock Watt:

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor

comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness...'

'Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the

highway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...

something happened. I would like to break this gently, but the fact

is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.'

The man groans, but the doctor goes on: 'You've got $27,000 in

insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now

to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did -

better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $3,000 an inch.'

The man perks up at this.

'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want.

But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you

had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine-incher,

she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine-inch one before, and

you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be

disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. 'So,' says the doctor, 'have you

spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says the man.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'She has,' says the man.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

'We're getting a new kitchen?

[jamie ictfc]

What is the difference between cancer and a cow?

Jade Goody Can't milk a cow

[Guest Muir-Jaggie]

brewster wife :thumb04:

[CaleyMad]

yah???? :018: :thumb04:

[FortressICT]

I dont think that there should be two joke threads running at the moment.....

Renegades "Team for Hamilton" is a joke surely? No? This guy is for real?

[ICTFCkev]

I dont think that there should be two joke threads running at the moment.....

Renegades "Team for Hamilton" is a joke surely? No? This guy is for real?

:thumb04:

[Guest Muir-Jaggie]

:018: :thumb04:

[Heilandee]

Just heard about the incontinent turtle

He pished his shell

[latviaman]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people, but keeps the building standing. It's called the stock market.

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wal-Mart Street.

3. The difference between a pigeon and an investment banker: the pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.

4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!

5. The problem with an investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria - if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it.

7. What worries me most about the credit crunch is that if one of my checks is returned stamped 'insufficient funds' I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[IBM]

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet.

He found that the problem was hair in its ears.

He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep

this from recurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair

remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the drug store and got some 'Nair' hair remover.

At the register the druggist told her, 'If you' re going to use

this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days.'

The lady said, 'I'm not using it under my arms.'

The druggist said. 'If you're using it on your legs don't shave

for a couple of days.'

The lady said, 'I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must

know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.'

The druggist said, 'Stay off your bicycle for a week.'

[Fanoffooty]

ALTERNATIVE NURSERY RHYMES .

1-- Mary Mary quite contrary how does your garden grow ?

I live in a flat you stupid **** , how the f*ck would i know ?

2-- Mary had a little lamb its fleece was white n wispy ,

along came foot n mouth disease n now its black n crispy !.

Rolf Harris has done the art work for Michael Jacksons gigs at the 02 Arena .

As a thankyou Jacko will be doing 2 little boys at the end of the show

Edited April 23, 2009 by Fanoffooty

[Fanoffooty]

Man & wife are out shopping together , wife see's shoes she wants but her husband says "NO WAY THEYRE FAR TOO EXPENSIVE "

Later that night in bed he lays a hand on his wifes F***y , she says" I DONT THINK SO MATE , IF YOU CANT AFFORD TO SHOE THE HORSE THEN YOU AINT FECKING RIDING IT !"

Bloke on holiday in Amsterdam , goes into a brothel & asks for the fattest ugliest girl they have , with the saggiest tits & a f***y like a ripped out fire place , the madam said "are we feeling kinky tonight sir ?

he replied , "no i'm from Inverness & i'm feeling homeless "

[Fanoffooty]

Just got home & found the dog dead in the washing machine

i'm fecking gutted but at least he died in comfort !

3 WOMEN , 1 ENGAGED 1 MARRIED & 1 A MISTRESS , DECIDE TO TREAT THEIR MEN BY WEARING BLACK LEATHER BRA'S STILETTO HEALS & A MASK

THE ENGAGED WOMAN SAYS "MY MAN LEAPT ON ME WE MADE LOVE ALL NIGHT "THE MISTRESS ADDS ME TOO WE HAD WILD UNINHIBITED SEX ALL NIGHT "

THE MARRIED WOMAN SIGHS " MY HUSBAND CAME HOME , TOOK ONE LOOK AT ME & SAID WOTS FOR FECKING TEA BATMAN !"

Edited April 23, 2009 by Fanoffooty

[DALNEIGHCALEY]

Man & wife are out shopping together , wife see's shoes she wants but her husband says "NO WAY THEYRE FAR TOO EXPENSIVE "

Later that night in bed he lays a hand on his wifes F***y , she says" I DONT THINK SO MATE , IF YOU CANT AFFORD TO SHOE THE HORSE THEN YOU AINT FECKING RIDING IT !"

Bloke on holiday in Amsterdam , goes into a brothel & asks for the fattest ugliest girl they have , with the saggiest tits & a f***y like a ripped out fire place , the madam said "are we feeling kinky tonight sir ?

he replied , "no i'm from Inverness & i'm feeling homeless "

Surely that should read " homesick " ?

[CaleyMad]

Man & wife are out shopping together , wife see's shoes she wants but her husband says "NO WAY THEYRE FAR TOO EXPENSIVE "

Later that night in bed he lays a hand on his wifes F***y , she says" I DONT THINK SO MATE , IF YOU CANT AFFORD TO SHOE THE HORSE THEN YOU AINT FECKING RIDING IT !"

Bloke on holiday in Amsterdam , goes into a brothel & asks for the fattest ugliest girl they have , with the saggiest tits & a f***y like a ripped out fire place , the madam said "are we feeling kinky tonight sir ?

he replied , "no i'm from Inverness & i'm feeling homeless "

Surely that should read " homesick " ?

:thumb04: :018: homeless is better... for the simple fact that it makes no sense ;)

[Fanoffooty]

Man & wife are out shopping together , wife see's shoes she wants but her husband says "NO WAY THEYRE FAR TOO EXPENSIVE "

Later that night in bed he lays a hand on his wifes F***y , she says" I DONT THINK SO MATE , IF YOU CANT AFFORD TO SHOE THE HORSE THEN YOU AINT FECKING RIDING IT !"

Bloke on holiday in Amsterdam , goes into a brothel & asks for the fattest ugliest girl they have , with the saggiest tits & a f***y like a ripped out fire place , the madam said "are we feeling kinky tonight sir ?

he replied , "no i'm from Inverness & i'm feeling homeless "

Surely that should read " homesick " ?

Aye you're right , it should read homesick ! i had a few drams last night when i posted this

[absent friend]

A man enters a bar and orders a drink.

The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities. ( He was a pal of Canada Bob)

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "about a 100. Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, Bathurst1000, cricket, supermodels, favourite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts. ( He knew IHE)

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."

And the robot says... real slowly................... So................'iyi gonnae follow The Rangers again this year?'

[tokelyisvictorious]

Was allowed 3 words in the lonely hearts under the column ''what do you like in a woman''. Unfortunately ''My Erect *****'' is not allowed.

'I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet.' - David Beckham

'I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.' - Mark Viduka

'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.' - Mark Draper

BEAT THEM...

[EWS]

Got this sent to me by my Dad;

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

And at a local level...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the used of the final escalation level