FAO All IT workers

[Georgeios]

From: IT

To: all employees

When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from our video recording.

When an IT person says s/he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 login passwords.

When IT Support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your problems right out. We don't even like eating food, we exist only to serve.

Send urgent e-mail all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

When we do something as a favor in our own time at our own expense, feel free to criticize us.

That's OK, we don't expect you to lift anything or get under your desk. Manual labour was part of our IT degree.

When the photocopier doesn't work, call Computer Support. There's electronics in it.

When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call Computer Support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an IT person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a challenge.

When an IT person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

When an IT person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what is meant by "my thingy blew up".

When you call someone in to fix a problem - but don't tell them about the other 10 problems until they physically arrive. That's OK - we can clear our schedule for the rest of the day.

Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

When your application can't do what you want... blame us, we write all the software that runs on your PC and can customise it on the fly. Bill Gates lets us do this.

Remember the IT guy doesn't need to think - he has seen every problem before.

If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20 kg of computer sitting on top of them.

If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail/software/network upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

When you find an IT person on the phone, sit uninvited on the corner of their desk and stare at them until they hang up.

Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap." We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call IT Support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a Master's degree in nuclear physics.

When you think the network/e-mail/office application is going slow, call us as we have a button to press that makes it go back to it's normal speed.

When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know about the problem.

The instant you call us (on our mobile) - we can see what's happening on your screen and can solve it instantaneously.

Be aware that IT people don't need to use the toilet. So you have a right to be upset if we don't answer the phone.

When you receive a 30MB movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.

When an IT person gets in the lift pushing ?100,000 worth of computer equipment on a trolley, ask in a very loud voice, "Good grief, you take the lift to go DOWN one floor?"

And finally, always remember.... we were sitting there waiting for your call.. The whole day!!!

[Libero]

classic

[ICTBTTH]

cracking

[Jay_7]

So much of that perfectly describes my current role :mellow:

Gave me a good laugh though.

[Georgeios]

So much of that perfectly describes my current role :mellow:

Gave me a good laugh though.

I found it to be spot on! I bite my tounge sometimes on the phone to folk not to say some of the rules on this..

[Jay_7]

One thing that really used to annoy me while working for Cap was the number of folk that couldn't tell the difference between a monitor and a computer.

For example:

Me: What's the asset tag of your computer so I can remote into it?

User: What's an asset tag?

Me: It's a 5 or 6 character long code, it will be on a sticker on your computer along with a barcode.

User: It's "blah blah blah" (didn't actually say this but you get the picture)

I try to connect to the number they've given me - but wait a minute, because they've given me the asset tag on their monitor, I can't remote in... :mellow:

[Georgeios]

One thing that really used to annoy me while working for Cap was the number of folk that couldn't tell the difference between a monitor and a computer.

For example:

Me: What's the asset tag of your computer so I can remote into it?

User: What's an asset tag?

Me: It's a 5 or 6 character long code, it will be on a sticker on your computer along with a barcode.

User: It's "blah blah blah" (didn't actually say this but you get the picture)

I try to connect to the number they've given me - but wait a minute, because they've given me the asset tag on their monitor, I can't remote in... :mellow:

Or you ask them to Reboot, even throw in a "switch it off and back on at the power switch" for there to be a 3 second delay and the reply comes back "right thats it off and back on".... I have to camley ask.. Did you switch your Screen off.. reply "nope the PC"... Deep breath.. What switch did you press (while trying not to blow my top) "Its the one on the TV"....... Then when you try and explain. "Try looking under your desk for me......... oh my they make my day!!

[Jay_7]

Here's an idea for a competition among us...

Who's had the best (most stupid) call?

I'll start with a man who originally reported an unresponsive mouse and the problem was intermittant. We recommended cleaning the mouse - most sane people would realise how to remove the track ball and use a pencil-end eraser to rub away the crap on the tracking wheels...

The man phoned back the following day complaining that his mouse no longer works at all after cleaning it. Further probing revealed he cleaned his mouse (with the PS/2 cable) in the dish washer. :mellow:

Edited August 19, 2009 by Jay_7

[DALNEIGHCALEY]

The thing you chaps dont realise is not everyone is a geek with indepth computer knowledge .

[tokelyisvictorious]

believe me DC, working at cap you do not need to know anything, and i don't, about IT.

and yet i am still amazed at some people who phone up asking whats wrong, before finding out that they need to plug everything in first. or using the cd-rom holders as a place to store cups.

[Jay_7]

The thing you chaps dont realise is not everyone is a geek with indepth computer knowledge .

Sincerest apologies DC, I didn't realise it was you who cleaned their mouse in a dishwasher.

[Georgeios]

this ones no Duff,

ME - IT Georgeios Speaking

Caller - Hello is that IT?

ME - Yes whats up?

Caller - I cant get a web page thing to work.

ME - Ok, whats your username and Machine number so I can have a look at a couple of things

Caller - Mrs ********* and my machine doesnt have a number

ME - Sweetheart thats not your user name its the Thing you Type in before you put in your password

Caller - Oh right its **********

Me- Thats your password, thats not a Username, Right whats your machine name or number and I'll remote on and show you what Im after...

Caller - Hang on (Muffle with hand (*Note) We can still hear what your saying) *here Joe Blogs whats the name of this PC?

Back ground voice *Barry, its called Barry*

Caller - Its name is Barry.......

ME - Big sigh, Where is it you are Im coming over there.....

To make matters worse the page she was trying to open was......Match.com, bless her..

Its not a really funny one but it was in my past few months the one that really really made me want to hang up on her.. bless

I always try to "dumb it down" and remember that not all users are Experts, we have some 60 year olds knocking about I really like fixing there faults as they appreciate it more, I cant wait for my son to show me how somthing works.... then I'll know Im old....

[Jay_7]

this ones no Duff,

ME - IT Georgeios Speaking

Caller - Hello is that IT?

ME - Yes whats up?

Caller - I cant get a web page thing to work.

ME - Ok, whats your username and Machine number so I can have a look at a couple of things

Caller - Mrs ********* and my machine doesnt have a number

ME - Sweetheart thats not your user name its the Thing you Type in before you put in your password

Caller - Oh right its **********

Me- Thats your password, thats not a Username, Right whats your machine name or number and I'll remote on and show you what Im after...

Caller - Hang on (Muffle with hand (*Note) We can still hear what your saying) *here Joe Blogs whats the name of this PC?

Back ground voice *Barry, its called Barry*

Caller - Its name is Barry.......

ME - Big sigh, Where is it you are Im coming over there.....

To make matters worse the page she was trying to open was......Match.com, bless her..

Its not a really funny one but it was in my past few months the one that really really made me want to hang up on her.. bless

I always try to "dumb it down" and remember that not all users are Experts, we have some 60 year olds knocking about I really like fixing there faults as they appreciate it more, I cant wait for my son to show me how somthing works.... then I'll know Im old....

Don't get me wrong, I don't expect folk to be experts - I just wish for a start that users had a bit of common sense, and secondly that they take IT support a bit more seriously. The number of times I've heard that thing listed above "I don't know anything about this computer crap"...

[DALNEIGHCALEY]

Here's an idea for a competition among us...

Who's had the best (most stupid) call?

I'll start with a man who originally reported an unresponsive mouse and the problem was intermittant. We recommended cleaning the mouse - most sane people would realise how to remove the track ball and use a pencil-end eraser to rub away the crap on the tracking wheels...

The man phoned back the following day complaining that his mouse no longer works at all after cleaning it. Further probing revealed he cleaned his mouse (with the PS/2 cable) in the dish washer.

This is what I have the problem with , IT geeks might know tricks of the trade like this but I bet most normal people wouldn't .

[Jay_7]

This is what I have the problem with , IT geeks might know tricks of the trade like this but I bet most normal people wouldn't .

You can't open up a mouse? Not even following the instructions on the underside of the mouse for this purpose?! :lol:

[DALNEIGHCALEY]

I dont own a mouse

[Jay_7]

I dont own a mouse

Perhaps not, but you are aware that mice that use balls to track movement have a twist shut cover to keep the rubber ball in place, yes?

[Georgeios]

Here's an idea for a competition among us...

Who's had the best (most stupid) call?

I'll start with a man who originally reported an unresponsive mouse and the problem was intermittant. We recommended cleaning the mouse - most sane people would realise how to remove the track ball and use a pencil-end eraser to rub away the crap on the tracking wheels...

The man phoned back the following day complaining that his mouse no longer works at all after cleaning it. Further probing revealed he cleaned his mouse (with the PS/2 cable) in the dish washer.

This is what I have the problem with , IT geeks might know tricks of the trade like this but I bet most normal people wouldn't .

This is true for anyone who is older that 30, the reason I say that is because when I was in School it was one of the first things they showed us to do "Depth A" stuff, like check the printer has paper... dont get me started on that, check its plugged in and clean the ball if the mouse isnt working... and im talking 16 years ago.. My mouse doesnt have a ball.......Jay_7 what do i do now lol.

[DALNEIGHCALEY]

I dont own a mouse

Perhaps not, but you are aware that mice that use balls to track movement have a twist shut cover to keep the rubber ball in place, yes?

Honestly never given it a thought before , oh to lead such an exciting life

[Jay_7]

This is true for anyone who is older that 30, the reason I say that is because when I was in School it was one of the first things they showed us to do "Depth A" stuff, like check the printer has paper... dont get me started on that, check its plugged in and clean the ball if the mouse isnt working... and im talking 16 years ago.. My mouse doesnt have a ball.......Jay_7 what do i do now lol.

Throw it in the dishwasher.

[Georgeios]

Its not everyones cup of tea, but BinMan isnt my cup of tea.

[Jay_7]

Its not everyones cup of tea, but BinMan isnt my cup of tea.

Eh? Have I been whooshed?

I remembered about another bloke that called up complaining that his unit conversion software couldn't convert pascals into pixels... To this day I don't know if it was a typo from whoever logged the call in Tier 1 or if he genuinely thought that he'd discovered a way to convert a measurement of pressure into a measurement of area...

[absent friend]

I always try to "dumb it down" and remember that not all users are Experts, we have some 60 year olds knocking about I really like fixing there faults as they appreciate it more, I cant wait for my son to show me how somthing works.... then I'll know Im old....

Here is one oldie that spent the last two days on my PC with remote geeks trying to install a new system. 'That's ok now sir, just carry on from here inserting your details' 1 hour later, many sweary words from me, I again phoned, this time another geek 'No that was wrong, now try this and then insert details' More sweary words and more repeat calls and two very sweaty days later and the job is done. Now that is because I am older?? On behalf of all the older guys - IT WAS THE YOUNG GEEKS FAULT!

My 38 year old PA has two boys 14 and 11. Her computer malfunctioned and she was stuck, oldest son came home and could not help but had the answer - younger brother will be in shortly, no probs!

Young son came home - no probs - computer fixed! 'I have worked with that for last 2 hours', stated mother indignantly.

'I know Mum but your old'!! was the reply.

.

[Jay_7]

Here is one oldie that spent the last two days on my PC with remote geeks trying to install a new system. 'That's ok now sir, just carry on from here inserting your details' 1 hour later, many sweary words from me, I again phoned, this time another geek 'No that was wrong, now try this and then insert details' More sweary words and more repeat calls and two very sweaty days later and the job is done. Now that is because I am older?? On behalf of all the older guys - IT WAS THE YOUNG GEEKS FAULT!

What was wrong with it?

Edited August 19, 2009 by Jay_7

[DALNEIGHCALEY]

Here is one oldie that spent the last two days on my PC with remote geeks trying to install a new system. 'That's ok now sir, just carry on from here inserting your details' 1 hour later, many sweary words from me, I again phoned, this time another geek 'No that was wrong, now try this and then insert details' More sweary words and more repeat calls and two very sweaty days later and the job is done. Now that is because I am older?? On behalf of all the older guys - IT WAS THE YOUNG GEEKS FAULT!

What was wrong with it?

FFS , you really are obsessed !