Winter living

[Caley Mad In Berks]

I was sent this recently, and it gave me a good laugh. There are a few sweary words in it, but I think removing them, or bleeping them out, would spoil the effect. Maybe the mods will disagree!

THE DIARY OF AN ENGLISHMAN LIVING IN THE HIGHLANDS

"Our First Winter"

DEC 20th

It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've

seen for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the

porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the

trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.

DEC 24th

We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow

covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and

bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time

ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day

a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with

compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved

back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman

with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a

couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and

joined in their fun.

DEC 26th

It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature

dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes

snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled the driveway again.

Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again.

Much of the snow is now a brownish - grey.

JAN 1st

Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became

ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our

cars. Fell on my arse in the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing was

broken.

JAN 5th

Still bitterly cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to

work.

She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing.

Had another 8 inches of white ***** last night. Both vehicles are covered

in salt and iced up slush That ******* snowplough came by twice

today.........Where's that bloody shovel?

JAN 9th

More ******* snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been

damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing

to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly

torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd

degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car hit a

******* deer on the way to casualty and was written off.

JAN 13th

******* ******* white ***** just keeps on coming down. Have to put on

every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little ****

next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that

carrot so far up the little *******'s arse it'll take a good surgeon

hours to find it. If I ever catch the ****** that drives the snowplough I'll

chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the

******* hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and

then he accelerates down the street like Michael Schufuckingmacher and

buries the ******* driveway again.

JAN 17th

Sixteen more ******* inches of ******* snow and ******* ice and

******* sleet and god knows what other white ***** fell last night. I am in

court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an

ice-pick.

Can' t move my ******* toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks.

Minus 20 and more ******* snow forecast.

JAN 18th

**** THIS, I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON

[Johnboy]

:015: :015: :015: :D :025:

Funniest thing I've read on here in years....

[tm4tj]

How true this can be, funny as feck though.

[+Gringo]

That is quality......and probably a true story.

[Scotty]

PS - mods didnt edit the sweary words, the swear filter did

PPS - that describes the last two winters over here !!! -30 on some days and by the end of it my pile of shovelled snow was over 9' high !!! .......... This year, great, a couple of minor snowfalls here and there (maybe a foot in total) but nothing too bad.

[+Gringo]

The UK have knicked it all, thats why...

[WYNESS101]