Favourite haemorrhoid ointment

[The Mantis]

Only kidding, wanted to see if I could spell the 'H' word rather than write 'piles'. Obviously you don't suffer from piles if you've had a colostomy :shock:

[f*ballers wife]

oh my!!!

vic..... that sooks the little beggers back in..... allEGIDLY!!!

[caley100]

Aye aye...you only managed to spell that 'H' word cos' you copied it off the tube...

[Yompa]

Following through usually works well...

[IMMORTAL HOWDEN ENDER]

Can you massage these Mantis. They are feckin killin me.

-admin: image removed - yer arse is bad enough without showing us that !!

[Guest Lauraness]

ENDER thats well minky im well feckin tellin on u ye feckin yukster

[Guest kcj]

FBW'll kiss that better for you IHE. :)

[The Mantis]

Feck me what a disgusting pic. An the one wi the piles is nearly as bad.

[f*ballers wife]

oh my!!!

oh my!!!

oh my!!!

howdie, that's QUITE enfu of that.... stop taking pics o yourself. go get the vics inhaler out the bathroom cabinet! :evil:

[Guest kcj]

Hmmm dunno about the vic vapour rub...get the Deep Heat sprayed on there. :nuts:

[Yompa]

Sod the rub, a spot of TCP'll have yow up and about in no time...

[Alistair]

Grapes anyone

[+Gringo]

Wire brush and Detol.....?

[Guest kingkojak]

aitch... thats too much for this time o' the morn! im gona hurl my wheetabix...

[Scarlet Pimple]

Eh am not amused.

A haemmorhoidectomy should be re-named horridhorrificectomy.

There, there, IHE ...come to Uncle Scarlet who knows all about your individual condition having gone through said op plus more in his life. Simply put----don't have the op. It's not the cutting and the stuffing back up of the veins after them being sewn up that hurts, it's the passing of the fecal matter over the wounds which induces copious bleeding and pain so intense that  you won't even be able to get youir leg up over the side of the bath since you will be lying on the flair, matey. But having fallen into the bath  things do improve--slightly.

Mind you that was some 40 years ago so I am sure they have developed different techniques now--probably lasers burning the bleeders up instead of cutters ..p.s. don't wake up in the middle of the op for heaven's sake, the smell of burning flesh will make you swoon. And, whatever you do, don't ask to either see the excised objects or the operation video.....believe me, nowadays that will cost you an arm and a leg (figuratively speaking of course).

Now here 's a wee tip..for you my dear ....wash carefully after each "passing" moment, dry nicely and apply warm and then cold water --ice is good. Watch your diet carefully, plenty of fruit and vegetables, lots of water (MANDATORY)  at least 64 ounces per day, no purgatives to speak of, don't inflame the situation by allowing inflammation to get out of hand. And you must pass a motion every day ,preferably in the seclusion of your bathroom rather than at the Board Room table..... I'm sure you will be all right and, seriously, I am reliably informed that the modern operation is a cakewalk compared to those done in 1966.

Please do not try to cauterise them yourself or you may end up like young King Edward the second who died after the Nobles in his land became pissed off with him  and rammed a red hot poker up his bottie to teach him a lesson which I AM RELIABLY INFORMED HE NEVER FORGOT... in the meantime....no long driving journeys!

But, if you are in real need of advice IHE my heart goes out to you like a true brother  and just ask Scotty to give you my email address  and I will give you a nice free consultation over the telephone with some  other good tips.

Meantime, if any one on here has got, or is about to suffer, a rectal fissure speak up and Dr Scarlet will opine on that too. I think I preferred the piles ....... :004:

[Charles Bannerman]

Mantis... I'm not convinced that a colostomy is the ultimate insurance against piles. They are basically varicose veins in the rectum which you can presumably get even if no poo passes, although they may be less likely in these circumstances.

IHE and Scarlet.... your respective ghastly picture and graphic description of "the operation" in the 1960s has quite put me off the Tescos breakfast I'm meant to be away to get now.

"haemorrhoidectomy".... what a wonderful word for a spelling bee!

[The Mantis]

Pimple- too much info mate  :015: :015:

Charles- the 'colostomy' comment was only a joke about the age of the posters and the frequency of 'favourite things' topics which were being posted around that time in April...

[Charles Bannerman]

OK Mantis. Sense of humour transplant begun! I really wish Johndo would stop sitting on cameras!

[Scarlet Pimple]

Mantis --thanks for your comment; I will "bare" it in mind :001:

IHE--This is not a lost cause but an understanding wife can help. Also Doctors are not experts in the condition, believe me-- so go figure it all out for yourself.

Metamusil promotes daily procedures which are a must for improvement since stools must be kept soft--if you try to sit on them though they will collapse so sit on the toilet seat instead--it's usually plastic, not wood :015:

Final thought-- lying on your back with your bottie on a cushion and  with your feet quite high up the wall is helpful--the side benefit from this is that the blood that otherwise would pool in your nether regions goes directly to your head and promotes new hair growth--and the relief is a blessing...

Just trying to be helpful... :015:

[Charles Bannerman]

SP.... you seem to be quite an expert on this subject!