Think its time for a laugh or two

[Alex MacLeod]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.

Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.

Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.

Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.

Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.

Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.

Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums.

Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.

Engineers: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

Engineers: Took hammer away from midget

[Alex MacLeod]

You know you're really from Dingwall when...

The Tumshie lantern at halloween has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how petrol stations keep their toilets so clean.

Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"

Your Junior Secondary school had a daycare.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

The book value of your transit van goes up and down, depending on how much fuel is in it.

Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

[Hoof Hearted]

How To Shower Like A Woman

Take off clothes and place them in sectioned laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Shave armpits and legs.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How to Shower Like A Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo'

sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican

Wee in big circles and watch it go down the plughole.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the'woo-woo'

sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING ' CAUSE MOST OF IT'S TRUE!!!!!!!!!

[Hoof Hearted]

Jade Goody has been attacked at home by an intruder with a large knife.

Police have arrested Shilpa's mother......Ma Shetty.

:001:

[Hoof Hearted]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mens Rules

This is how things should be!!!!

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side:

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

3. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

4. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

5. Crying is blackmail.

6. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

7. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

8. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

9. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

10.Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

11. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

12. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

13. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.

Not both.

14. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

15. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

16. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

17. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.We have no idea what mauve is.

18. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

19. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

20 If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

21. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.

Really.

22. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars.

23. You have enough clothes.

24.. You have too many shoes.

25. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education!!

[Alex MacLeod]

If any of these describe you, you're from Dingwall!

Fewer than half of your cars run.

Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ***.

You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

Your family tree doesn't fork.

Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.

You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.

You've ever used lard in bed.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

The rear tyres on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

You've ever worn a boob tube to a wedding.

You think that Don Perignon is a Mafia leader.

The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the **** are you looking at, Shithe

You have a rag for a petrol cap (on a car that does run).

You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels.

You go to your family reunion to meet women.

You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.

Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening in the berry fields.

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

Your lifetime goal is to own a coconut stall at the fairground.

Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

Your house doesn't have curtains, but your transit does.

You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

Someone in your family says "***'n here an' lookit this afore I flush it."

Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

You mow your lawn and find a car.

If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

You go Christmas shopping for your mum, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year".

You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...

You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that isn't!

Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".

You've been to a funeral and there were more trannie vans than cars.

There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job, primer red and primer gray.

You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!