An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman..........

[Mrs Pauliebee]

An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

 

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Inverness there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals; so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."

 

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."

 

"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

 

"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

 

"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."

[Johnboy]

:022: Good one, Mrs PB.... I think that's the 3rd time that one has appeared in as many weeks...!!

I like the way you tell it though....!!  :022:

[Heilandee]

Eh'll be having a word on Friday about stealing my stolen material  :015:

[Johnboy]

Cure for headaches....

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, andthe pressure

creates one **** of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed.  He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for

the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I

need... a new suit."  He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like

a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44

long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,

"How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and

16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

" Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman

asked, "How

about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see...size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha!  I got you, I've worn a size 34 since

I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34.  A size 34 would

press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one **** of a headache."

[tm4tj]

:dancing01:

[Johnboy]

A primary teacher starts a new job  at a school in Govan and to make a good

impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Rangers fan.

She asks her  students to raise their hands if they, too, are Rangers fans.

Everyone in  the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The  teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

Because I'm not a Rangers fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not a Rangers  fan, then Who are you a fan of?"

"I'm an Aberdeen fan, and proud  of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary,  why are you a Dons fan?"

"Because my mum and dad are from the  North East, and my mum is an Aberdeen Fan and my dad is an Aberdeen fan,  so I'm an Aberdeen fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an  annoyed tone, "That's no reason for you to Be an Aberdeen fan. You don't  have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a  prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be  then?"

"Then," Mary smiled, "I would be a Rangers fan......