Obituary

[Yngwie]

There were emotional scenes last night as hundreds of tearful fans held a candlelit vigil outside the home of Whitney Govan, the faded singer whose tragic demise was completed when she drowned in a bath of buckfast at the weekend. A brief announcement was made to Whitney’s mourners by Craig Shyte, the Chief Executive of her label Rangers Records, after which fans spontaneously burst into a chorus of her smash hit “I will always love to booooooo”.

The singer’s rise to stadium filling stardom commenced in the 1980s, although she proudly traced her heritage as far back as 1690. After being mentored by the legendary entertainer Andy Cameron, her success seemed unstoppable, and she achieved a remarkable 9 number ones in a row. Whitney also picked up dozens of awards in her homeland, and even when the hits dried up, she continued to dominate at the MOPO awards (Music of Protestant Origin). Her huge and loyal fan base was drawn from all parts of society, from members of the royal family to sports journalists and football referees.

Rangers Records are understood to be planning on cashing in on the wave of sympathy by re-releasing a compilation of the star’s greatest hits.

1. Didn’t we almost have it all?

2. I wanna dance with somebody (who has an unhealthy knowledge of Irish history)

3. Where do broken huns go?

4. How will I know (what to do with myself at weekends)

Due to the unique sound and lyrics associated with Rangers Records, her particular brand of soul quickly became known as R-Soul. Live performances were renowned for the vocal backing of an enormous choir of R-Soul singers.

At the height of her fame, in a move which wowed the world of showbiz, drama queen Whitney worked with one of Hollywood’s leading men, Kevin McCoistner and starred on the big screen. However, when the big screen stopped working, a riot broke out. McCoistner’s role in the movie was to protect the diva, with whom he became romantically involved, but on Saturday night there was nothing even he could do to save the star from herself.

The fabulous wealth amassed by the glittering performer had been frittered away over the years on a succession of talentless session musicians, eventually leaving her unable to settle her tax bills. Craig Shyte had stepped in last year, promising to revive her career, but Whitney’s live performances deteriorated further and she ended up just another desperate crack whore controlled by a dubious pimp.

Many distraught fans called yesterday for a commemorative statue to be placed in tribute at the site of the star’s home. But Rangers Records have indicated that the only lasting legacy they can afford is a bust. “Not just a little bust” a spokesman clarified, “a completely bust”.

[IMMORTAL HOWDEN ENDER]

Brilliant :lol:

[Ten4]

You controversial mod ! - humourous yes - but maybe just as well its a football forum & the P take is actually at Ibrox

[+DoofersDad]

Very good :clapping:

Of course Whitney's decline seemed to coincide with Ally McMoist becoming manager. Prior to that, Ally and Whitney used to perform together and rumour has it that Ally scored an amazing 355 times with her. Since taking over as manager all of that has stopped and Whitney took to drink and drugs as consolation.

[WYNESS101]

PURE CLASS