Ode to poo

[+Gringo]

A slippy poo will shoot right out,

So hurry if you can,

It fires as soon as you sit down,

And rockets down the pan.

A jagged poo will rip and tear,

The inside of your bum,

It's filled with lumps & nuts & bumps,

You'll wish your arse was numb.

A splashy one drops like a bomb,

A boulder from your crack,

It hits the water at full speed,

And saturates your back.

The floater just will not be flushed,

It lays there looking smug,

It's best to drop it in the sink,

And push it down the plug....

...But of them all the nicest one,

Slips cleanly from your hole,

There is no need to wipe at all,

It saves on toilet roll!

[CaleyJulz]

EWWWWWWWWW UNCLE GRINGO THATS JUST SO MINGING BUT FUNNY !!

[kaiser]

thats foul.

[+Gringo]

Good innit?

[Johnboy]

That's disgusting - Gringo - Hope your next poo's a hedgehog....

[Johnboy]

That's disgusting - Gringo - Hope your next poo's a hedgehog....

[f*ballers wife]

oh my!!!

and we've all had one of each.... eewwwh!

[Johnboy]

Yeah - you more than most...!!!

[f*ballers wife]

oh my!!!

i DO hope that you are not impyling that talk SH1TE? :(

[Scotty]

mmmm Gringers, you been surfing The Poop Report ? or maybe the another list

[+Gringo]

Nicked it off a biker site.....the verse:-

The floater just will not be flushed,

It lays there looking smug,

It's best to drop it in the sink,

And push it down the plug....

..had me laughing so much I just had to share with everyone....

[f*ballers wife]

oh my!!!

thanks for sharing your bowel movements with us, make me feel SOOOO much closer to you...

i lurv our family.... :?

[ILoveCOX]

its totally disgusting but funny

[kaiser]

Not totally unrelated, but not nearly as vile as Gringo's introductory ditto, heres....

HOW TO POO AT WORK....

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back

in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much

as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable.

For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for

taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in

your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came

from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has

been expelled.Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your

pants.

FLY BUY

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for

other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back

again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become,

suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo

in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of

embarrassment. If you release an scapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend

it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,

pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is

uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both

parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK

When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This

is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should

happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the

bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This

reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom.

This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just

stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if

someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend

that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with use of the COURTESY

FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER

A colleague who poos at work and is **** proud of it. You will often

see an. Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or

magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the

Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes

off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts

of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HEAVENS.

SAFE HEAVENS

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least

expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.

This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR

Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to

force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable

moments that can occur when taking poo at work. If this occurs, remain

in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all

uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO COUGH

A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you

are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert

potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with

an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you

are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is

occupied. If you hear a Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the

pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON

A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is

also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,

create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELETTE

A case of diarrhoea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet

water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an

Astaire.

UNCLE TED

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend

extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the spot.

An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you

should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you

as well as the other bathroom attendees

[metalgecko]

KAISER

Thank the Lord for Roger Melly's Profanisaurus! The greatest work of literary genius since Bill Shakes Hamlet.

[moraywanderer]

you've obviously not heard a complicated con by "weird Al" yankovic then!!!!!