Emergency appeal

[Oz647]

ARDROSSAN HURRICANE APPEAL

Hurricane 'Senga' hit the Ayrshire town of Ardrossan in the early hours of Friday morning. Victims were seen wandering round aimlessly muttering "Pure mental, man, naw?"

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately ?92 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and Seville were damaged beyond repair. Three historically important areas of burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived the next morning. Police state that incidences of looting, muggings and car crime were particularly high during the night, but calmed down when the hurricane struck.

Twenty-two asylum seekers were rescued from an apartment in Sefton St, rescuers are going to search the back bedroom later today.

West FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Ardrossan.

One resident, Bernadette O'Reilly, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It gie?d me a pure fright, so's it did. My little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into ma bedroom greetin' bit ma youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it a?. Ah wiz still shaking when I was watching Trisha later in the mornin?, so ah wiz". Neighbour Joseph 'young young' McGurn said "The noise wiz tremendous. At first ah thoat it wiz the Neds coming oot o? Lord Carsons, but it wiz even worser as that?.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Buckfast and two tons of Tunnocks Teacakes to the area to help stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching the rubble and have found quantities of personal belongings including Benefit books and bone china from Poundland.

Residents in neighbouring Saltcoats offered to accommodate those left homeless, but the Ardrossan people decided they were better off where they were.

A Council spokesman has indicated that it would take at least a full morning to get things looking like normal and added "There has been a pure Blitz spirit, everybody's pure blitzed".

Poundland has agreed to stay open 24 x 7 to allow residents to refurbish their homes.

The Government has pledged to ensure that bookies, pubs, chip shops and other essential services will reopen as soon as possible.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This Appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing most sought after includes - Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Hoodies, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits (female), white sport socks, Rockport boots or Adidas trainers.

Food parcels are also urgently required. Please try to include - Microwave chips, Pies from Greggs, Sugar Puffs, Tins of spaghetti, Gypsy Creams Curly-Wurlies, Red Cola, cans of Special Brew and Diamond White, bottles of Buckie or El Dorado, aerosols of glue or hairspray.

Just 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. ?2 buys chips, crisps and Irn-Bru for a family of nine. ?3 will pay for a pouch of tobacco, papers and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

*Breaking News*

Rescue workers have found a 10-year-old girl in the rubble. Apparently she was smothered in raspberry Alco-pop. When asked where she was bleeding from she replied "Stanley Road, but whit's it got to dae wi' youse??

[Caley Stan]

[Oz647]

Sorry just realised I put it in the wrong forum, Feel free to move it.

[ICTFCkev]

Bit racist, no?

[Oz647]

Don't start Kev. You'll set him off. :D

[Council Juice]

- I reckon this might give an insight into the characteristics and localised accents in the south west central belt area.