GTWB Productions Present

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GRANVILLE, TOICH AND WILLIAM BELL PRODUCTIONS PROUDLY PRESENT

LIVE FROM THE CULLICUDDEN COLISEUM

THE CALEYTHISTLEONLINE FESTIVE FIVES 2012

COMING TO A PC SCREEN IN YOUR FECKIN HOUSE ON JANUARY 1ST AND JANUARY 2ND

OPENING GAMES : RED DOT ROVERS V ADMIN ASSHOLLES ; HOWDEN ENDERS V ENGLANDSHIRE ; JEGGIE BESTARDS V OWD WUMMIN ; OVERSEAS ORIENT V CENTRAL BELTERS

PRESENTED BY THE IMMORTAL ONE

[tm4tj]

Bring it on

[+Gringo]

About time too yer lazy ol' git. :bouncyblue:

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We have just enjoyed a spooktacular opening ceremony, presented and choreographed by the feared ex barsteward and the Sneck version of Derek Okore - the one and only February 8th and his "mates" from the Edinburgh Vaults.

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^{Commentary will be provided by Charles Bannerman who is also the Honorary President of GTWB Productions and a Toich look a like. It is hoped that the teams for the semi final and final stages will be picked and organised by Renegade, catering will be provided by the NorthStand HotFood plc and the Beer Tent is being supplied by BigStu.com.}

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Game 1 - Red Dot Rovers v Admin Asssholes

Red Dot Rovers ; Laurence - Dougal Mahonio - Pull My Finger Dalneigh Caley - subs : 12th Man deadball specialist

Admin Asssholes : Caley D - Scotty Mann4thejob - Alex McLeod Yngwie - RIG

And the legendary ADC Kidd blows to start the 2012 competition.

And we have a record breaking goal in 6 seconds, lashed in by the effervescent Dalneigh Caley which has brought roars of derision from the crowd and sets the scene for the rest of the game. The beaten CaleyD adds 30% to the warn status.

And before the lull can rest Mahonio has notched a second. The wee Wicker has ran on to a through ball by Pull My Finger, rounded Mann4the job and Caley D - which meant he actually had to feckin go via Wick and dinks one in.

But Laurence has been red dotted for the celebration where he has ran from the goal and showed his wrinkled erse to the shocked Scotty. Laurence departs in the belief that it has provided the only bit of entertainment that has been seen in Sneck since his arrival from Broadmoor.

Yngwie gets one back, under suspicion that he has been assisted - like a line out - to head home. He claims that Naelifts was not involved.

Half Time : Red Dot Rovers 2 Admin Asssholes 1

Dougal scores within 4 seconds of the kick off - but is red dotted for his display of a T-Shirt proclaiming "Once a Clacher alwys a clacher".

Rovers bring on dead ball specialist and 12th Man and try to hold out - but RIG also comes off the bench and waxes lyrically about its qualities.

Mann4the job equalises from a free kick which is a reminder fo his hero Blobby - well in stature if not in style.

And with the Golden Goal beckoning Alex McLeod pops up with a late winner. Alex decides to write a poem about the feat which could mean that he will be unavailable until 2013.

FULL TIME : Red Dot Rovers 3 Admin Asssholes 4 - in a game reminiscent of the old Newcastle Brown Ale v Liverpool Sousewives classics.

[tm4tj]

:lol: Bout time we won....................still can't keep a clean sheet though

[RiG]

The beaten CaleyD adds 30% to the warn status.

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GAME 2 - HowdenEnders v Englandshire

HowdenEnders: DJS - Caley 100 Mantis - IHE Buckett subs: Doresboy, Kind of Blue

Englandshire: Dewsbury Dude - Gringo CaleyMadinBerks - sotonict Gringo jnr (guest) subs: HawkeyetheGnu Oats

The Cullicudden Coliseum rocks to the dulcet tones of Showwaddywaddy and the "Lets go fer a little walk under the Howden end" as the ex supporters of the greatest club in world history ply their trades.

And the 4000 support, just back from Perth, are stunned in to silence when the latest ICT Leg End Gringo Jnr latches on to his faithers through ball and makes DJS look as if he needs L plates.

And the sassenachs heap on the misery as CaleyMad in Berks swivels his zimmer in the box and toe pokes, a la Djebi-Zadi, though the legs of IHE - nuff said !!

But Mantis pulls one back just before the break after a 1-2 with Buckett which brings back memories of Penman and Johnston.

HALF TIME: Howden Enders 1 Englandshire 2

Sensation at half time as Englandshire are pushed in to taking on Oats and HawkeyetheGnu - apparently Dewsbury Dude found a bottle of Scrumpy in the showers and sotonICT went back to the BacPackers for a kip. Oats goes in goals in his Canadian garb.

And it is the other newcomer Kind Of Blue who smacks in the equaliser after Buckett shows some more of that 70's magic.

And more drama - the First Aiders have run out of WD40 and caleyMadinBerks is sidelined. And more drama - Gringo is ushered out of the Coliseum by Mrs gringo as their train leaves in 15 minutes.

And the Howden Enders take advantage and Caley100 heads home in the style of his old heroine, Craig Brewster - IHE waves his boots in respect.

FULL TIME : HowdenEnders 3 Englandshire 2

[tm4tj]

GAME 2 - HowdenEnders v Englandshire

IHE waves his boots in respect.

Stop it..........my necks sore :rotflmao:

[buckett]

Ha! What a team!!

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GAME 3 - JEGGIE BESTARDS v OWD WUMMIN

GTWB Productions would wish to apologise (laff) in advance of any ditsress ( :love02:) caused to any individuals in respect of associating with Owd Wummin - lets face it there is little difference between Jeggie Bestards and Owd Wummin anyway - actually sincere apolgies to any ladies associated !!

Jeggie Bestards - Kingsmills - King Beastie Govan Jaggie - Tichy Blacks Back (TBB) Red and Black Comeback (RBC) subs: Jaggy666 Jagster

Owd Wummin : Lg - Maimie Lizi - Donview OldCaleyGirl subs: davie Doofers Dad

In commeration and recognition of the role of Inverness Thistle in respect of the club history the Pyrotechnics Society burnt down a replica of the old Kingsmills Stand, illuminated by red and black fireworks.

And in recognition the feckin Jeggies take an early lead when - of all peeple - TBB races down the rite wing and plants the purrfect cross on to the napper of RBC who powers home a header that even Murd Urquhart couldnt stop.

But the owd wummin swing their hanbags in response - especially the Guinnness Donview version - and the owd Clacher smashes in an equaliser.

But there is even more controversy just before the break as King Beastie beats Lizi at the back post and powers it past the flailing Maimie. But the AndyCam replay suggests that KB had surreptitiously whooped Lizi's tartan rug over her head and Govan Jaggie had asked Lg to phone him a taxi.

HALF TIME: Jeggie Bestards 1 Owd Wummin 1

The owd wummin are more like loose wummin after the restart and the wummin appoach is strengthened by the subs of davie and Doofers Dad - or the male equivalents of Denise Welch and Coleen Nolan.

davie wafts lyrical and distracts the Jeggies momentarily - and before ya could pop to the Heathmount for a half time pint - Doofers Dad smacks home a beauty - and Doofer applauds.

But the Jeggies are a cheatin resolute bunch and are soon back on equal terms. Jaggy 666 comes on and in true Omen tradition spins his feckin head around 360% degrees, scares the shittt out of the wummin - especially Donview - and the game goes to Golden Goal.

FULL TIME - Jeggie Bestards 2 Owd Wummin 2

And from the kick off Kingsmills goes over the legalities and rules - summons both teams in to the centre circle to discuss - and samcks the ball off the center cicle into the Owd wummins box and it hits the proverbial hair net - GAME OVER

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GAME 4 : OVERSEAS ORIENT v CENTRAL BELTERS

GTWB have made this a late kick off becos of Cullicudden lock ins and to facilitate kick off times around the globe (or I have been on the pishh all ady)

Overseas Orient: Scarlet Pimpernel - Gabby Krakatoa - luv gravy ronnyyc sub: ymip Part Timer (guest!!)

Central Belters : ICT Chris - Red card Mary Hill - Caley Stan Wanderer Top six - subs: Born Caley ICT Paisley

The closing game is going world wide so the sponsors have been changed to Labbatts Blue, Fosters and any other forign feckin beer ya like.

Drama - penalty from the kick off - Krakatoa erupts and takes down Caley Stan - who curses in some Greek twang annd curses - Mary Hill steps up and cheekily chips the ball over SP.s bald napper and scores the only penalty fer ICT in 2011 - put that in yer next feckin preview and heed the words of another brick in the wall.

And within at minute the same situation happens at the other end - Red Card slices luv gravy in two - Must be a Polish gravy - and Red Card runs to the Sky Cameras (again) to celbrate a red card !! ronnyc steps up and nets - and then shoots off back to Time Square as he is booked to do a Lady Gaga act fer the New Year clebrations.

HALF TIME : Overseas Orient 1 Central Belters 1 (Instead of a bigger font can someone send SP a feckin magnifying feckin glass)

The Cullicudden Coliseum erupts with the chant of "Northen boys love gravy" and on feckin cue - luvgravy slips in like a "moose in the hoose" and puts the overseas boys ahead,

But the weegies HIV capital Highland Exile dwellers fite back and Wandererfinds a chink in the defence and scores (as easliy as IHE in Wang Chai !!) and the Belter fecks the ex Orient.

Part Timer comes on in the last minute - just before the last round, the last train and the last plane - and wins the game

Own feckin goal !!

Overseas Orient 2 Central Belters 3

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So the Semi Final draw is : ADMIN ASSSHOLES v HOWDEN ENDERS and JEGGIE BESTARDS v CENTRAL BELTERS

And there were will be a secret Final desiination and special prizes for the winners !!

Plus = this year = we have a transfer window - any suggestions fer a change of team personel, loan etc ?

[+DoofersDad]

Having come off the bench for the Owd Wummin to score "a beauty" but yet end up on the losing side I appreciate I will be a hot target in the transfer window. However, before I get pestered with requests for a transfer let me say I've been signed up to the same owd wumman for 30 years, we make a good team and I'm staying put.

[+Gringo]

And more drama - Gringo is ushered out of the Coliseum by Mrs gringo as their train leaves in 15 minutes.

Feckin quality She actually cost us the game because she hadn't realised it was a feckin Bank Holiday timetable.

[alternative maryhill]

Drama - penalty from the kick off - Krakatoa erupts and takes down Caley Stan - who curses in some Greek twang annd curses - Mary Hill steps up and cheekily chips the ball over SP.s bald napper and scores the only penalty fer ICT in 2011 - put that in yer next feckin preview and heed the words of another brick in the wall.

Flattered as I am to have scored ICT's only penalty of 2011, given my record in the pub it's more likely I'd be caught napping at the back...

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Feck me - I cant remember typing Game 4 !!

Anyway the players have enjoyed their overnight stay at the 5 star Portmahommack Place and participated in the Celebratory Barn Dance at the Jemimaville Jubilee Hall. The semi finals will be staged at the Balblair Astrodome. A pitch inspection is not required as the roof has remained closed over the weekend but due to the falling snow supporters are advised to avoid the Munlochy route and travel via Culbokie.

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The transfer window has been busy and all four teams have picked up players. The most controversial is the signing of Dougal by the Admin Asssholes - although Dougal suits the second name of the team title. This could lead to the benching of Mann4thejob and the Asssholes fielding the back three of CaleyD, Scotty and Dougal.

CaleyOldGirl has secured a last minute move to the HowdenEnders and it is reported that it took the last minute purchasing of a bottle of Scotsmac and a bottle of Pomagne to win the Owd Wummin over.

It is also understood that Kingsmills has dislocated a finger and the Jeggie Bestards spent the night chasing the signings of Dewsbury Dude and Laurence to take over the important position of custodian. It is believed that Dewsbury Dude was the first choice but Jeggie directors were not allowed to see him in his A&E cubicle. Laurence apparently agreed to sign as he felt that Thistle couldnt be as bad as the garbage he has been watching in the North of Scotland since his move from Outer Mongolia.

And finally the Central Belters have located Naelifts and it is believed that he is currently driving up the North East coast in a Bluelight ambulance car - whilst there are also rumours that he is destined to pick up Donview from a pub just outside Aberdire. But who would the old Clacher be looking to play for ??

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Well a wee bit of snow and surface feckin water will not affect the air conditioned Balblair Astrodome. This could however have affected the groundkeeping at the TCS as Tommy Cumming had to be restrained late last evening when he came to do a pitch inspection, found that the surface was Astroturf, tried rolling the pitch in to a carpet whilst strewing grass seeds in his path and was apprehended by the Northern Constabulary and appears to have been arrested on the suspicion of trying to grow grass in the Black Isle.

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New rules have been drafted by the CTOFA and the semi finals will comprise of six a side games and the Grand Final will be a seven a side affair.

SEMI FINAL 1 : ADMIN ASSSHOLES v HOWDEN ENDERS

ADMIN ASSSHOLES - CaleyD - Scotty Dougal Mann4thejob - Alex McLeod RIG sub: Yngwie

HOWDEN ENDERS - DJS - Caley100 Mantis IHE - Buckett OldCaleygirl subs: Doresboy KindofBlue

ADC Kidd blows his whistle and Day 2 is under way. Intersting to see that both teams have started with their overnight captures. I have to say that the defence of the Asssholes has fairly filled half the feckin pitch. However I am sure that the Howden Enders will be confident that their pacy young forward line will still manage to inflict some damage !!

And within the first minute Mann4the job ,who's place looked in jepoardy, has opened the scoring. He has outpaced IHE and chipped DJS. But ADC Kidd is reaching for his yellow card. Mann4thejob has been booked for speeding and he now has more feckin penalty points than Tinkerville.

CaleyOldgirl is looking a wee bit under the weather and she has gone down injured - but Dougal refuses to kick the ball out of play, goes on a mazy dribble but is upended in the box by Caley100 who plants Dougal in to the ground with the firmness of putting a "Brewster Out" banner in to a bridge.

The game is held up as OldCaleygirl is carried off and laid on the front terraces. The scene is a reminder of the Howden End in the 70's as she lies on the terraces, half unconscious with her skirt tucked in her knickers and swigging out of a half empty bottle of Pomagne. Mantis takes a phottie for the gallery.

And meanwhile, after much debate, Scotty has taken on the responsibility of the spot kick. He is moving like the speed of Maple syrup pouring of a late morning McDonalds pancake. But as he runs up Dougal has thrown some green dotted confetti in to the air. It has blurred Scotty's vision and he blasts over the bar. A heated discussion ensues between CaleyD and Dougal and 40% is added to his warn status.

HALF TIME: ADMIN ASSSHOLES 1 HOWDEN ENDERS 0

Yngwie and Doresboy enter the fray. Doresboy looks resplendent in his retro Caley T-shirt but Yngwie has lost his feckin shirt already. Some mad woman in a Dumbfarmlife strip has ripped it off his back, kissed it, stuck it down her knickers and is making for the exit, closely followed by some other irate woman in a Dungdee United strip. Rooney Giggs and now feckin Yngwie - this tournament has everything.

And the Asssholes are down to 5 men as a claxon sounds from a rig in the Cromarty firth and Alex McLeod is out of the feckin stadium in a flash, donned a vis jacket and safety hat and is rowing towards the rig - and he appears to be shouting "It has'nt been three weeks ya bestards" - but he still manages to pen 26 poems and 14 songs on his voyage.

Any way back to the play on the pitch - Buckett has been downed by RIG - and it is another penalty. ADC Kidd shows RIG the red card and the poor lad appears to be more distressed than when he was an unemployed, whingeing feckin student trying to secure a job.

KindofBlue comes off the bench. He runs up slowly and staggered - a bit like the way he goes up fer a drink at the Caley Club - but it has worked as he sends CaleyD the wrong way.

CaleyD complains - as usual - about the run up and ADC Kidd produces another red card - but not fer foul and abusive language - it is for "overadministrating" and ADC Kidd adds "and you have been doing it fer years. Dougal applauds and gets another 20% warn status.

It is really end to end stuff now and it looks like the next goal will be the winner. Doresboy crosses but Dougal is favourite to win the header but it flicks off his heed and.into the empty net. Dougal celebrates with the HowdenEnders and Scotty increases his warn staus and Dougal is off. He can be heard chunnering "Feckin Admin tawts - that was worth 100 feckin Red Dots". Was Dougal an ex Howden Ender ?

And the final whistle blows and the 4000 contingent party like it was McDuff after winning the feckin league. Respect to Roger McDonald and Norman Gordon is also forthcoming - Whas like us ?

FULL TIME ; Admin Asssholes 1 Howden Enders 2

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SEMI FINAL 2 - Jeggie Bestards v Central Belters

Jeggie Bestards : Laurence - King Beastie Govan Jaggie Jaggy 666 - Tichy Blacks Back (TBB) Red and Black Comeback (RBC) sub: Jagster

Central Belters : .ICT Chris - Red card Mary Hill - Capital Caley Caley Stan Wanderer Top six - subs: Born Caley ICT Paisley Naelifts

Great news fer Belter fans as Capital Caley has returned from his loan spell at Aldershot and takes a strating place. Naelifts is kept on the bench after his strenuous journey. It is believed that Donview has found out that the tournament is live on BBC Alba and the tight Aberdonian **** has decide to stay in the pub and enjoy a barrel of the black and white stuff.

Laurence looks like a Moden Day Jimmy Calder as he swings from the crossbar. And he is soon in action as King Beastie aka Keith Moon drums up support, fires in a beauty but Laurence tips it over the bar. And next up is Caley Stan who loops a header just wide and the Cypriot flags are flying.

The Jeggies are lining up for shots at goals like cold Burnett pies on the shelf of a red and black hospitality shed. But tragedy has struck. the ball has lodged itself in Lauences mouth and he is being stretchered off. Laurence remarks that the stamdard of football was atrocious but at least he was able to keep a clean sheet. He is replaced in goals by Kingsmills - who has donned a protective finger splint. a wig, a robe and has come off the bench to act on behalf of the defence.

But is first touch is to pick the ball out of the net. A superb move from RBC and TBB has ended in TichyBlacksBack opening the scoring.

But more drama - a gang of yoofs are throwing coins on to the Jeggies end. And Capital Caley appears to be hurriedly trying to pick them all up whilst ICT Chris comes out of the goals to try and identify the gang colours. Govan Jaggie is on his mobile to the Security but Jagsterteaches them all a feckin lesson and drills home from the half way line.

HALF TIME : Jeggie Bestards 2 Central belters 0

And it is like a scene from a 70's column as Naelifts comes on from Wanderer and their hands are both being shaken by Mantis - it is a throw back to the scenery of the Yorkshire Dales.

ICT Chris drops a cross and Naelifts shows that he is the man to pick in an emergency and knocks in from close range. Red Card rushes over and dives in to the cameras. ADC Kidd produces a Red Card and Red Card is red carded,

Crowd trouble - two yoofs are on the pitch, claiming to be the Outer Hebrides answer to Jedward. One is ejected and the other is allowed to go to the toilet to be sick.

Topsixnext year is upended in the box and it is a clear penalty. Mary Hill grabs the ball, places it carefully, discusses the preview for 1000 lines, bores the feckin erse of ICT Chris and Mary Hill nets and puts Graham Alexander to shame. The weegieland crew have feckin equalised.

And again as the goalden goal beckons we have a last minute winner from Born Caley.

An own feckin goal.

FULL TIME : Jeggie Bestards 3 Central belters 2

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And you all know what this means folks - it is an epic Caley v Thistle final - tonight - live on Sky Sports 1 - from the Munlochy Millenium Stadium.

Charlie Bannerman - when did this last happen ?

[old caley girl]

OMG Johndo havent laughed so much in ages - just what is needed to cheer up a boring footieless afternoon. Would rather be a howenender than an old wummin anyday even though Im fast getting that way! However Im not as old as you. Was still in school in the 70s so nil alcohol and remember the games all the better! Change the text to the 80s then well thats maybe nearer it

[old caley girl]

BTW the right team better win the final!