Feel free to smile.

[SMEE]

Just read the article Scotty. Says they rekon there is a serious undercount on Scottish Americans, and reckon there could be up to 20M and if you include the Scots-Irish Americans could reach 27M. Pretty amazing figures eh!

You can add Johnny Cash to that list of Scottish Americans. Read somewhere he traced his roots to here.The Donald Trump is apparently true and is why he is investing 100s of millions of pounds on a big golfing development outside aberdeen. Heard of the Elvis link too.

[Scotty]

Yeah, the link to Scottish Americans had Johnny Cash and quite a few other interesting names too.

[Johnboy]

At the risk of offending prostitutes and lepers (and Sophia).... :023:

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

You can keep the tip.....   :004:

[Guest sophia]

JB,

I'm not easily offended!

An 80 year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride

who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began: "I have

an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a

season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a

hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at

the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't

shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane,

aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and

went 'bang, bang'.

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now,

what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a

couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

[Guest sophia]

In 1986, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[buffy]

Paddy was told by his farmhand that his herd of cows had BlueTongue "Beejesus" shouted Paddy, "I never even knew they had mobile phones...."

Buffy x

[Johnboy]

:022: Guid yin Buffy...  :022:

We need something like that to cheer ourselves up tonight...

Should hae been in the Irish Jokes thread but we'll let ye aff...

[Guest sophia]

A small zoo in Glasgow acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Boaby McKay, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Boaby, like many Rangers supporters, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Boaby was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for ?500 ? Bobby showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. "First", Boaby said, "Ah'm no gonnae kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Second", he said, "Ye cannae never tell naebody aboot this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third", Boaby said, "I want all the weans raised as Rangers fans." Once again it was agreed.

4. "And last of all", Boaby stated, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the ?500"

[Johnboy]

:015: :015: :015:

Well done Sophia.... You've finally posted something that everyone can understand...!!

[tm4tj]

An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed.  While suffering the agonies of

impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite biscuits

wafting up the stairs.  He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself

from the bed.  Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,

and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled

downstairs.  With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into

the kitchen.  Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself

already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table

were literally hundreds of his favourite biscuits, freshly baked.  Was it

heaven?  Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of

sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?  Mustering one

great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees

in crumpled posture.  His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at

the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a

spatula..............

"F**k off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

_________________________________________________________________

[SMEE]

Man walks into dentist and asks "how much for a tooth extraction?"

receptionist replies "it would be ?50"

"thats a bit more than i hoped to pay!" the man replies

"how about it with no injection?" the man asks

"that would bring the price down to ?30 sir" replies the receptionist

"still a bit more than i hoped to pay.....how about with no injection and you let trainees do it?" asks the man

"I suppose we could allow that.....how does ?5 sound?" asks the receptionist

the man replies " sounds great........ad like to make an appointment for my wife please" :015:

[SMEE]

A duck walks into a shop and asks the clerk, "Do you sell grapes?"

The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you sell grapes?"

The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.

The day after that, the duck walks in the shop again and asks "Do you sell grapes?"

The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we sell f*****g grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your f*****g  feet to the floor!!"

The duck left, and returned the next day and asks, "Do you have any nails?"

The clerk replied, "No,"

so the duck said, "Good!.......... Got any grapes?"

[Johnboy]

I love Sophia's joke about the gorilla and the Rangers fan.. best one posted on here for ages...  :022:

It's much funnier than the one I posted at the top of this thread about the African with the parrot on his head....BUT, dare I say it's probably more likely to cause offence in certain animal loving circles, than that one...  :018:

Rangers supporters might not like it either....  :023:

[SMEE]

I think your starting to gush over sophia a bit JB. thats 2 positive posts you have made about her! :011: :blah01:

[SMEE]

Are we allowed to post rude jokes on this thread. I have tried to keep mine clean..............SO FAR :crazy07:

[Kingsmills]

There's rude and then there's rude ! Read the terms of use and the Forum Rules. Follow them and you wont go wrong. Ignore them at your peril  :003: :003:

[SMEE]

Am not gonna risk it for a biscuit. Al just keep the naughtier ones to myself.

[12th Man]

What happened to the doctor jokes !

A man goes to the doctors and says 'I cant stop farting when I walk, I'll show you', every step the man took a loud smelly fart came out as he walked up and down the room.

The doctor reached in to the back of his cabinet and pulled out a long metal pole with a hook at one end.

The patient shrieked 'Oh no is this going to hurt?'

The doctor replied 'what are you talking about man I was going to open the velux window, it stinks in here'.

[Scarlet Pimple]

Hi Sophia

Methinks you are very mature for your age. :002: :023:

That is if you want to tell us how old you are....? :004:

Scarlet is 105 depending on the weather. Today it is cold, wet, icy and snowing  and he says he feels 132 and a half.

Oh all right then, here is one  just for you.

A Scotsman just off the boat in Odessa heads for the nearest bar since he has a big drouth on .

He sits down at the bar and is enjoying his drink when a big burly Ukrainian  docker comes over to him , sits down beside him and  in a very slurred speech says ''heh Jock, my name is Vyshinsky Vyshinsky with a hyphen. Whats yours?"

Jock knows a good mark when he sees one and replies,  cool as you like...." whisky, whisky with a syphen!" :014:

[Guest TinCanFan]

Hi Sophia

Methinks you are very mature for your age. :002: :023:

That is if you want to tell us how old you are....? :004:

I reckon she's getting on a bit.  Here's my evidence :

1. Yesterday she used the term Liberal Party.  They were called this many decades ago.

2. Rumania - Old name for Romania

3. She says that she is not so youthful anymore.

:024:

[Scarlet Pimple]

Sign that man up on a pre-contract for the initiation rites at Codswallop Hall.

We are in need of a new Pimpernel recruit and his observational powers are impressive. :015:

[Johnboy]

Isn't she Mrs Mann - Bobby's mum..?

Still.... You know what they say about old fiddles....

:violin:

[tm4tj]

A man who just died is delivered to a Glesga mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Big Tam the mortician asks the

deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.  The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue.  She gives Tam a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit

fits him perfectly. She says to Tam, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, Tam presents her with the blank cheque.

'nay charge,' he says.

'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, hen,' Tam says, 'it didnae cost nothin. You see, a deid gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit insteid, and she said it made nae difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So, A just switched their heids.'

[Guest TinCanFan]

Hi Sophia

Methinks you are very mature for your age. :002: :023:

That is if you want to tell us how old you are....? :004:

I reckon she's getting on a bit.  Here's my evidence :

1. Yesterday she used the term Liberal Party.  They were called this many decades ago.

2. Rumania - Old name for Romania

3. She says that she is not so youthful anymore.

:024:

:003: