Glasgow Gorbals Hurricane Appeal

[Johnboy]

A major hurricane (Senga) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Glasgow in the early hours of yesterday morning, with its epicentre in the Gorbals.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Pure mental, man, pure mental man"....

The hurricane decimated the area and caused approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of momentos from Majorca and Seville were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

Clyde FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, and were trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had actually happened in the Gorbals.

One resident - Bernadette O'Reilly, a fifteen year old mother of five said "It gied me a pure fright, so it did. Ma wee Chardonay-Mercedes came runnin intae the bedroom greetin'. My youngest twa, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. Ah wiz still shakin watchin Trisha the next mornin', so ah wiz"...

Glasgow City police reported that lootings, muggings and car crime were unaffected and were carrying on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Buckfast to the area to help stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books and bone china from Poundstretchers.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include :

Fila or Burberry baseball caps

Kappa tracksuit tops (his & hers)

Shell suits (female)

White sprt socks

Rockport boots or Adidas trainers

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are badly needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include :

Microwave chips

Pies from Greggs

Tins of baked beans

Ice cream

Cans of special brew or bottles of Buckie

22p will buy a biro for filling in compensation forms

£2 buys chips, crisps & Irn Bru for a family of 9

£5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected

*Breaking News *

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in rasberry alcho-pop

"Where are you bleeding from", they asked "Parkhead", came the reply, "Whits it tae youse?"

[The Mantis]

The hurricane decimated the area and caused approximately £30 worth of damage.

£30M worth of improvements more like

[f*ballers wife]

oh my!!!

i WILL HELP!!!

by provinding the EMPTY bottles of buckie so they can recycle the glass, making new windows for themselves, therefore, they are indeed learning to help themselves out of poverty..... oh or whatever i was talking about.... hick, hick, wait till i go get them anOtHeR oNE..................

[Guest airbornejake]

Excellent johnboy, i did like that.

[Johnboy]

Thanks Airborne Jake...

Here's another cracker - just for you... It's the way I tell em - you've heard them all before - it's just that I tell em better.....!!!

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of my dear wife!"

That won him top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night at the pub" "Really" she said, "What was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life sitting in the church, beside me wife"

"Oh, that's very nice", said Mary, "Thank you for saying that"

The next day Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize for the best toast at the pub the other night with a toast about you Mary"

"Aye he told me" says she, "I was a bit surprised myself. You know he's only ever been there twice in the last 4 years. The first time he fell asleep, and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come" ....!!!!

[f*ballers wife]

oh my!!!

john and mary.... lUvErLy couple!

[CaleyJulz]

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the U.S. Air crew, screaming: "U.S. Air 2771, where the **** are you going?

I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, U.S. Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of U.S. Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[f*ballers wife]

oh my!!!

FANTASTIC!!! :P

[Johnboy]

Good one CCC....

John & Mary - luverly couple - FBW....??

Think I know where your coming from... Shudder to think where you've been....!!

:shock: :shock:

[f*ballers wife]

Good one CCC....

John & Mary - luverly couple - FBW....??

Think I know where your coming from... Shudder to think where you've been....!!

:shock: :shock:

oh my!!!

i know LOTS of johns.... and this VERY nice lady MARY, she is LuVeRlY, nearly as nice as me!

here's another one for your pleasure!!!

A young newly wed couple wanted to join a church.

The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.

You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the Reverend inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly.

The Reverend asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was

difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.

The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."

"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the Reverend.

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head.

"We're not welcome at B&Q either.

[f*ballers wife]

oh my!!!

THE LONELY BRAIN CELL Finally hard evidence!

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.

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She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet. ??

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? Hello?"? she cried, but no answer.?

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"Is there anyone here?"? she cried a little louder,? but still no answer.?

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Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,

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"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

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Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away..............

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???????????"We're down here ..."