A JOKE !!!

[CaleyJulz]

A husband just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be the

Man of Your House." He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly

up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law!"

"You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished

eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want.""After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and

comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."

[tm4tj]

Who's the Boss?

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.

As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers." she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"****," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

[kaiser]

^^...a 'best mans' favourite, by all accounts.

TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.

I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean

17 times it was too late

49 times you were too tired

20 times it was too hot

15 times you pretended to be sleep

22 times you had a headache

17 times you were afraid of waking the baby

16 times you said you were too sore

12 times it was the wrong time of the month

19 times you had to get up early

9 times you said weren't in the mood

7 times you were sunburned

6 times you were watching the late show

5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo

3 times you said the neighbors would hear us

9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there

8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling

4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with

7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished

1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

KEEP READING.......

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't

get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat

36 times you did not come home at all

21 times you didn't ***

33 times you came too soon

19 times you went soft before you got in

38 times you worked too late

10 times you got cramps in your toes

29 times you had to get up early to play golf

2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls

4 times you got it stuck in your zipper

3 times you had a cold and your nose was running

2 times you had a splinter in your finger

20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day

6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book

98 times you were too busy watching football on TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you

prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted

and I was trying to breathe.

[f*ballers wife]

oh my!!!

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it."

The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method."

The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method."

"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask.

"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him.

[KingBeastie]

Kinky!!

[CaleyJulz]

A boy and his Grandad are trying to feed a piece of rope through a hole, but it keeps flopping and falling out.Suddenly, the boy gets an idea and says " I bet you a fiver I can put that rope in the hole" The old man replies " Bet you £5 you cant. Its far to limp" The boy runs into the house and returns with some hairspray. He sprays the rope until its stiff and slots it in the hole.

The grandad gives the lad £5, grabs the hairspray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, he comes out and hands the lad another fiver. " But you gave the £5 " the boy says. " I know " his grandadfather replies. " Thats from Grandama "

[f*ballers wife]

oh my!!!

A 'modern' twist to an old fairytale . . .

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my pension, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close,

blowing her golden hair

with his warm breath

as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

oh my!!! not so kinky beastie!

[Interthenet Jnr]

A boy and his Grandad are trying to feed a piece of rope through a hole, but it keeps flopping and falling out.Suddenly, the boy gets an idea and says " I bet you a fiver I can put that rope in the hole" The old man replies " Bet you £5 you cant. Its far to limp" The boy runs into the house and returns with some hairspray. He sprays the rope until its stiff and slots it in the hole.

The grandad gives the lad £5, grabs the hairspray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, he comes out and hands the lad another fiver. " But you gave the £5 " the boy says. " I know " his grandadfather replies. " Thats from Grandama "

Speaking of giving people fivers . We came to an arrangement didn't we?

[f*ballers wife]

oh my!!!

A husband just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be the

Man of Your House." He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly

up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law!"

"You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished

eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want.""After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and

comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."

[Johnboy]

Brilliant FBW...!! Even funnier 2nd time around - Don't you read anyone else's posts?

[Interthenet Jnr]

Brilliant FBW...!! Even funnier 2nd time around - Don't you read anyone else's posts?

was thinking that myself

[Heilandee]

Goldfish syndrome methinks....FBW has forgotton where she read it by the time she's this far down the thread

[f*ballers wife]

oh my!!!

dont you guys pick on me.... i cant help it if there are toooo many jokes on the go.... i cant help it if i'm getting on a bit....

it's like all the men in my life.... cant remember where i had him last either,,,,, eh johnboy!

soo many men so little time.... :roll:

[maimie]

Two nuns, Sister Senga and Sister Helen, from Glasgow are travelling through Europe in their car.

They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

'Aw naw!' shouts Sister Senga.

'Whit are we gonnae dae?'

'Turn the windae wipers oan.

That will get rid of the abomination, says Sister Helen.

Sister Senga switches them on, knocking Dracula about,but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

Whit ahm a' gonnae dae noo?' she shouts.

'Switch on the windae washirs. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican,' says Sister Helen.

Sister Senga turns on the windae washirs.

Dracula screams as the waterburns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

'It did'nae wurk, whit'll a dae?' shouts Sister Senga.

'Show him your cross,' says Sister Helen.

'Aye, that's whit tae dae,' says Sister Senga.

She opens the window and shouts.......

"Get the f**k aff the f**kin' car ya wee b*st**d"

[Johnboy]

Brilliant Maimie - No substitute for Glesca humour...!!

[Heilandee]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.

The doctor asks him how he is feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better, I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child, What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his questions for a minute and then begins: "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

"We he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and said 'bang, bang'.

"Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that? "

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[Caley Mad In Berks]

The nun joke reminded me of one of my favouites about 4 nuns, Sister Alice, Sister Beatrice, Sister Charlotte and Sister Deirdre who all die in an accident and are being inverviewed by St Peter at the Pearly Gates. He tells them that before he can admit them he has to ask them all a personal question.

So he says to Sister Alice "Have you ever handled a *****?" She replies, "Well, when I was very young, I did once touch one with the tip of my finger".

St Peter said "Thats all right Sister Alice, just dip your finger in this bowl of holy water, and then you can come in"

"Now, Sister Beatrice, have you ever handled a *****?" She replies, "Well, when I was very young, I once did handle one and gave it a little rub"

St Peter replied "Thats all right Sister Beatrice, just dip your hand in this bowl of holy water, and then you can come in"

At this Sister Deirdre pipes up "Can I ask you a question father?"

"Of course Sister Deirdre" said St Peter,"What is it?"

Sister Deirdre replies "Do you mind if I have a quick gargle with the holy water before Sister Charlotte sticks her *rse in it?"

[The Mantis]

Heilandee :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

[f*ballers wife]

oh my!!!

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Cokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

[CaleyJulz]

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When a male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his ***** and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the ***** to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "How about we try the African string- and weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his *****

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black.

[CaleyJulz]

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," hesays, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..Up to 60.

"I want the car, too," he continues 65 mph.And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.

This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.

Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to

him and

smiles. "The airbag."

Moral of the Story: Women are clever!!! Don't mess with them!!

[f*ballers wife]

oh my!!!

the second last one!!! :015: :015: :015:

[f*ballers wife]

oh my!!!

the Husband Store.

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay but thinks to herself, "What will the guys on the next floor be like?" so she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have large breasts and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

You've gotta love men. They know what they want.

[f*ballers wife]

DON?T KNOW WHAT DOCTOR WROTE THIS, BUT I LIKE HIM!!!

HEALTH QUESTION &ANSWER SESSION

1) Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

2) Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

3) Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

4) Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to

one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

5) Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No

Pain...Good!

6) Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

7) Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the

middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. Youshould only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

8) Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

9) Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

10) Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of

arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to

skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -

body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "Whoo what a

ride".

[Johnboy]

DON?T KNOW WHAT DOCTOR WROTE THIS, BUT I LIKE HIM!!!

HEALTH QUESTION &ANSWER SESSION

3) Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of

arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to

skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -

body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "Whoo what a

ride".

I'm surprised you haven't tried to marry him....!!