Friday PM Joke

[absent friend]

A burglar breaks in to a stately home and starts stuffing the family silver into his swag bag. A voice goes " Jesus is watching you, Jesus is watching you". The burglar stops and peers around the unlit the room but can't see anything so thinking he has imagined it he carries on stuffing the family silver into his bag. A voice, a little louder this time, goes "Jesus is watching you, Jesus is watching you". The burglar stops, turns on his torch and sees a parrot in a cage. He goes up to the parrot and says "Did you say that?", "Yes" replies the parrot.

"You're a clever parrot, whats your name then?". "Moses" replies the parrot. "Thats a stupid name for a parrot isn't it" says the burglar.

Wait for it ...................

The parrot replies "Not as stupid as Jesus is for the Rottweiler".

[absent friend]

The young barman looks up to find this really sexy lady walking up to him- she says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?"

He, feeling natures stirrings, says, "Not right now, but is there anything I can help you with?"

She replies, "I don't know if your the right man to talk to...its kind of personal..."

More stirrings, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss."

She then looks at him with a smile, and slowly puts two of her fingers into his mouth...and  began sliding them in and out of his wet lips.

She asks, "Can you give the manager a little message for me?"

The bartender nods expectantly...eyes bulging!

"Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies loo."

!

[Heilandee]

Ken it's no Friday ,but just got this ain and it made me larf.....

:015:

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney, Australia.

"The view is fantastic, the beer excellent and the food exceptional," said the Scotsman, "but I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow, there's a little bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you'd like. Then, when you've had enough drink, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid - ALL on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me-self personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."

[Scotty]

knew I had a feeling of deja vu ......

CLICKY

[Heilandee]

That was a different story to be sure, that was his wife in that one  :001:

[Johnboy]

:015: :015: :015: :015:

It's maybe the way you tell them, H/Dee.....!!

We've heard them all before, you just tell them better.....

:015: :015: :015:

[absent friend]

Now Johnboy, I have been in training at this joke telling ever since you gave me pelters so don't try and undermine my confidence at this early stage of my learning! :019:

[Johnboy]

I didn't give you pelters, A.F....I gave you encouragement with which you responded magnificently....!!

The carrott and the stick (without the stick).....

[f*ballers wife]

oh my!!!

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it

has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie

Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three

'Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two

months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green

twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his

sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's

eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in

front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching

shiny emerald green shoes.The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman

sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that

Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection

off her shoes."